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Comment by Marsha on July 28, 2016 at 7:57am

Robin, I lost my best friend, my spouse of 55 years six months ago on the 14th. I know exactly what you are feeling. I try to put on a happy face when I'm with people and all the while my heart is breaking. People say "one day at a time". It seems to hurt more as time goes on. I really don't want to be here without him. I feel so alone. You are in my thoughts on prayers.

Comment by Robin Quinn on July 28, 2016 at 7:32am

I read the posts that people put on here, I'm in my 6th month without my life and it doesn't get any easier.  You go through the motions of pretending to be alive, but nothing matters anymore.  Every time someone new posts, my heart breaks more because I know exactly how they feel and I know there will never be anything that will help the.m.

Comment by morgan on July 27, 2016 at 1:10am

Been a rough month and want to respond to some here but keep pushing this around and not writing.

Mel, the fact you saw an apparition is awesome. You must really be in tune.  I think it is definitely possible and wish it had been me because it must give you some new insight into how the other world can appear if the energy is needed.  I know you have been carrying a pretty heavy load lately.  Nancy must have worked up some major frequency to bring herself to help you.  Read a book called Travels with my Father by Nancy Meyer.  It is a good one to just get a feel for how one woman and her father were more connected to that kind of experience.  Hopefully the event will carry you a bit further.

Stewart,  I feel your words spoke volumes. I too am at the three year six month mark and like you I could just repeat everything you wrote.  I don't know how long I am going to go through the better days when the downs take me to the depths of hell within minutes.  I don't know what else to "do" to help me "get better" because if that's what this is like after this long I am not feeling the need or purpose either.  I have moved from FL to HI to MN and now in PA trying to reconstruct my life.  I have found location has not determined the level of the pain.  I know I could not have stayed in FL because of memories and financial encumbrances but I don't think I am choosing another place.  I am just landing.  It hasn't changed how I feel inside much.  I could go on at length about that part but right now am just watching my life as a surreal play.  

Denise,  I get mad too.  Mainly because I feel "left behind" and I too asked my husband for years to take better care of himself and yet I knew he was doing the most his own brain would let him.  Part of my love for him was for how rebellious he was when anyone told him how he was supposed to be.  Not to say I would always be in agreement, particularly concerning his health but I knew I was not going to change him.  And I still loved him from the depth of my soul.  I just wanted more.  Lots more.  There would never have been enough time with him.

Kelly, I'm not sure its so much about strength as it is about understanding that this is like being an infant.  You have to start from scratch.  You have to learn to focus again,  You have to crawl before you can walk.  You have to practice doing all of it and then falling will be another part of it.  

Doing counseling,hypnotherapy etc is all good.  It will help you in some ways and the best we all do is take baby steps. I wish I could give better and more advice but my time tonight is short but I wanted to say you are doing what you should do.  And trying to keep your job and working will help keep the focus no matter how hard it is. 

To everyone who keeps posting and explaining as to how they are doing I am so thankful in so may ways.  It just makes me know I am not crazy for all the reasons others who have not experienced such loss think should be so easy.  

And Pamela,  you are having some rough excruciating pain.  If there is a way I can help by talking let me know.  I can become a friend and see if you can spill some of that my way.  48 years is a very long time.  I had 35 married and 55 of knowing him.  Trying to rewire a brain after so much repetition I don't think is possible. Like you and many others here we feel like we are incapable and yet we keep breathing so we try to manage our "time".  I feel your pain if it helps at all.

And to Bluebird, Mori, Trina, Tildyc, Anne J, George, John T, Linda E, Stewart, Charlie, Chum, Stephen F, Rachel M, Michael T (UK), Hilary Chirstine, Mel, Marsha, and everyone....I care.

morgan

Comment by KELLY on July 26, 2016 at 3:58pm

Lost my true love tragically & unexpectedly on May 17th, 2016. He died in a car accident. Chris wasn't my spouse yet but he would have been in the summer of 2017. We only been together for 2 years but it was the best 2 years of my life. My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard when we were together. We also worked together for the last 6 years and I continue to work at the same place. How do you find the strength to put one foot in front of the other. On top of finding the strength to come to work everyday knowing he wont be there. I thought about resigning but it is a really great company and they have been very supportive. I am in counseling and grief counseling. I have tried hypnotherapy as well. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Comment by Mary on July 26, 2016 at 3:11pm

It's 3 months today that I have lost my precious husband Neil. Not a minute has gone by that I am not thinking of him. My life has remained in a stand still since April 26/16. He was the love of my life. I miss sharing my days with him, my 24/7. The word "miss" doesn't really say it. It's been the hardest 3 months of my life. I am so worried about the rest of my life. How will I go on when I don't really want to. I wish I could go be with him but I have 3 children that I'm sure need me for a little longer.
When I read people's thoughts on here about still struggling 3 + years I have little hope. But understand it - how do you live each day without your other half? I think people's relationships here were like that - their spouse was their life. My Neil was mine. We were together 35 years and my heart still skipped a beat when we were together. He was only 52. Too young yet. We still had more life to live and kids to finish raising. My heart is broken

Comment by stewart p on July 26, 2016 at 2:08pm

I hear some people not here though say things like "it gets better with time" and a host of other cliches well I don't know if that is true or maybe im going through a rut right now.  One thing Ive discovered over the last 3 years is that grief comes and goes in waves, for me at least it does.  Anyone who has seen some of my previous posts can tell that for the last couple of years or so i made a real effort going to counseling, attending bereavement group meetings, reading, journal, setting goals, exercising and trying anything else i could think of to help, and at the time it seemed to help, or at least pass the time away.  But recently Ive begun going through another stage it seems, one in which now I find myself really faced the cold hard truth she is gone and really gone and Im on my own.  What makes it particularly difficult now is trying to figure out what I shall do.  For 20+ years my world evolved around this other person and now Im asking myself what shall i do, i dont even know what i want to do if anything anymore and its really beginning to wear on me.  Live here, live there, work that, do this, I feel like I dont even care.  Unfortunately im not independently wealthy and remaining at home alone for the rest of my days isnt an option, but it feels like so hard to get up to go do anything.  Now maybe this is just a stage that will pass as so many others have, I certainly hope so but it surprises me to feel this way over 3 years later now, it sometimes feels worst than the months following her death.  Anyway, if this is what is meant by getting better with time there is not much better about it, that is a stupid saying.  In all fairness I will admit because of some legal matter surrounding my wife's death the whole issue was brought forth front and center for the past month and has required a great deal of my time, Im thinking maybe that has something to do with how Im feeling because of the amount of time I have been spending thinking about her and her death.  Or like I said its simply another stage in the long journey of grief, the road from hell as some have called it. 

I don't know about the rest of you but often I fantasize, wonder really, or think about what it would be like to pack up and just move somewhere new and begin life from the point forward, would I begin to feel better, closing the door on the past, would i begin to think and focus more on where I am at and what I want to do moving forward, or as some of us have spoken of before would I regret leaving this behind?  I don't know and I feel like what ever is going to happen is going to be more of a matter of just accident, its just going to happen  or evolve without me really choosing one way or another.  Very confusing times, very hard to see a way forward.

Comment by Chum on July 18, 2016 at 5:32pm

Yesterday I was hit with another death.  Since Jordan died June 15 2015, his dog  Beau died at the end of May and yesterday out of the blue Beau's little sister died completely unexpectedly.  She has been my motivator this past year, so full of energy and always wanting to get going - she rarely stopped moving......until yesterday, on the way to the vet she died in my arms.  I am devastated, Blondie, the last of their pack, and I just keep looking at each other with WTF looks.  I brought Buttercup back home so that Blondie and the birds could sniff and see that she didn't disappear in a car, never to come back. 

Although I'm crying for my little doll of a Buttercup, I'm crying for Jordan and so so missing him even more than ever at this moment.  I know I'll get through this and this rotten feeling will ease up after a few days, but I just long to hear the words of comfort he would have for me at this moment.  I have gone through so much loss this past year and as I just seem to be getting on okayish, another pet of our little family dies.  We never had children but we always had a pack of dachshunds along with the birds.

My sisters want me to move back to New Zealand but I've lived in Canada 48 years and feel north american.....but I'm here completely alone.  I'm a loner by nature and very happy with it but as my little family shrinks I'm at a loss what to do with myself.

Thanks for letting me dump!  This is a place where I feel I can do so without bumming everyone out.

Comment by Charlie on July 15, 2016 at 9:09pm

I'm with you, Copper "Charlie"!

Comment by Copper "Charlie" on July 15, 2016 at 6:30pm

I wish I dreamed about my husband all the time, I'd stay asleep best I could.  But I don't unless they are nightmares.  An occasional good dream.  But I know what you mean about wanting to sleep rather than be awake and dealing with this world.  You're not alone!

Comment by stewart p on July 14, 2016 at 9:41am

Weird dream last night, my wife was packing up to leave, in fact with many of the dreams I have had lately she seems to be always in the process of moving away from me.  Weird. Ive been reading lately about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) how the conscious and sub- interact.  I have many of her things/clothes still in the house and sort of wish I had dealt with these things sooner, I really dont feel like going back to it but now Im anxious to to get some of the stuff out of here.  Why?  For 3 years Ive been stuck in sadness, grief, misery and now the dawn is rising and the reality is dawning, she has left and I must carry on however that looks or what that looks like is yet untold.  Its a new adventure, a turning point in life.  We carry on and live for those who can not and to keep their memory alive.  Im convinced now more than ever as V Frankle and many others have written, we find meaning in life when we begin to look outward from our selves and into the lives of others and surviving the experience of loss gives us a unique perspective and strength that we can share with others, but only once we begin to accept our reality and lessen the energy and time spent in our own misery.  Whether its my wife in my dreams or simply my subconscious, either way someone is saying good bye, and i either can sulk in that as I have tended to do for the past 3 years or I can use that energy to do for others I could not of done before myself.  To me that is the mystery and though while sad at the same time exciting to have loved and to have love and to be taken apart from it.   Ive always tried to be a glass 1/2 full sort of guy, and look for the good in anything.  As it's written in rom God uses all things for good and what we meant for bad he uses for good. Its all a matter of perspective and what we choose to do with it.  There will always be time to spend in solace and remembrance, even sadness but we shouldn't allow it to take hold of our lives permanently.

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