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Comment by stewart p on November 22, 2016 at 1:06pm

Comment by stewart p 6 minutes ago
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Its been 3 1/2 years now since my wife died. Ive read alot, wrote a lot and reflected on it to no end and while I can see a way forward I just cant to seem to go forward. Anyone on here who has seen some of my prior posts knows I have put a lot of thought into piecing together a life again. Ive written countless journals, plans, ideas, little flow charts with arrows pointing in all directions. Yes, here is my new life, steps I need to take, things to do and move forward. Perhaps a new job, a new home, maybe a new community, hobbies, activities, many talked through with professional help, new friends and new adventures, even a relationship, a new marriage, a new chance to do it again. Yes I have most of it figured out, planned out and mapped out, step by step as the Chinese proverb says a 1000 mile journey begins with each first step. Well thought out and logically planned in detail but then with each day I wake up alongside all my best laid plans with no interest or desire to peruse nearly any of them. I even reached the point where I accept she is gone, I dont cry about it much anymore or get angry, Im just numb about it and accept it most of the time. Looking at all my plans I can even see a life again but then each day I seem to lack one thing, the desire to care. The zeal for which life once held for me. So now I'm wondering if maybe when you experience something like there isn't something that switches in your brain, some sort of disorder or something. On the face of it it just doesn't make sense but there is no denying something just doesn't work any more like it once it did. Im really struggling with this, maybe its an excuse to not try anymore and avoid some hidden pain or something, IDK, I just dont get it. I even gone through many of the steps, Ive gone to counseling, picked up new hobbies, exercised, got a dog, treat myself, etc but it just doenst really frickin matter or seem to much anymore. The zeal if there ever was any for living seems to have all gone away. Then I hear others (not here) talking about their ambitions, all the things they are going to see, do etc and I think to myself so what? When your dead and it could happen at any moment will any of it matter other than to those left behind? IDK, this has really got me stymied and stuck and I'm just curious if anyone else feels the same or maybe my brain and not just my heart that is broken. What a discouraging and lackluster way to live anymore. I certainly hope it gets better somehow. Maybe I take a lesson from the squirrel outside this morning little guy with a big bushy tail scurrying around outside chomping on seeds in the cold with no idea how big and bad the world around him might be and how vulnerable he his in it, or maybe he does know and just accepts it as it is, something that perhaps is eluding me so far up to now. Or maybe my brain is just f%#cked up from all this and thats it and there is no back to normal

Comment by Michael on November 17, 2016 at 9:57am

I feel very much the same as many people on here. But its only been a month since I lost my wonderful wife. Ive got to think there will be some improvement in time. Where are these people? Maybe they have moved on and don't need the site? What do people think?

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 16, 2016 at 4:15am

Tildyc and Morgan and Bluebird and All,

How sorry I am that we are living this horrible dream called life!

I know exactly what you mean Tildyc by saying you'll never be OK. Neither will I. Time can pass, years can pass, but this pain will not stop. I will never stop missing Joseph and wishing that I were with him. Everyday, several times a day, I have to talk to myself reminding myself why I can't "just check out," why I can't end this all. The day I breathe my last, I'll be so happy! I just want to be with Joseph!

Comment by Tildyc on November 15, 2016 at 9:58pm

I'll never be OK. It will never get better. Another fucking holiday season coming. I miss you so much babe. I cannot stop this pain. Where did you go???????

Comment by morgan on November 15, 2016 at 12:23pm

To the newest people who have just joined our very sad community of spirits I just want to say you have found a place where you will not feel alone.  This site has been a lifeline for me for many years. Our grief needs to be shared and here we are safe. My heart feels your pain as you do mine. May each of you find some peace.

Comment by Michael on November 15, 2016 at 9:40am

I have 2 homes in 2 cities far from each other. One was in Georgia where my wife lived all the time. The other in mass. i would go to on my own (she did live there 10 years ago with me) once a month. When she died, i left the georgia house and never went back. Have to go through probate etc to sell it. I cant live there again.

Comment by Irwin on November 13, 2016 at 9:30pm

For those that went through watching your love one being destroyed by Cancer, a good book is "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi

Comment by S.a.m. on November 13, 2016 at 7:32pm

Morgan--

It has been two years now for me, and I want you to know that you are not alone in your suffering. The thought of living the rest of my life without my first and only love is so painful that I don't think about the future...at least not for longer than week or so. Eventually I may be able to think longer term than that...but I don't care if I ever can. I did very little for a long  time...and let myself just cry, sob, sit outside for hours, walk for as long as I could walk, and just talk to my husband. I talked to him a lot. I still talk to him every day. Talking to him helps, but the pain of losing my husband will never be gone...It will be with me for the rest of my life. I have no reasons or a way to make sense of such overwhelming loss and pain.

In many ways I am a ghost...a revenant....but I tell my husband that all of the pain I am experiencing now--which is pain that I didn't even know was possible before--is worth having had him in my life...and that if I had to choose..I would experience it all over again in a heartbeat to be with him. I wouldn't trade my time with him for the world.

In many ways--and many days--I do not want to be alive, but I am trying to find ways to make my life an honor to his memory.  I'm so sorry you are suffering, but sometimes it helps just to know that you are not the only one feeling so horrible.  You are not alone.

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 13, 2016 at 7:12am

Hi Morgan,

Your last post really hit home with me. I didn't think there was another person out there that had the same feeling I have, Gob Bless you for Sharing.  

Comment by Mary on November 13, 2016 at 2:30am

Oh Morgan , Trina and others
I wish I had something to offer you to help you, to take the pain away but unfortunately I do not. Just know that I understand your pain, understand the huge void our spouse has made in our lives, in our very being. My life too ended when my wonderful Neil passed almost 7 months ago. It doesn't feel better. I function as I do it for my kids. But I am empty, broken and wishing that my years are not long. My husband and I were one. No one understands that our love for each other was our life. There is no "getting better" or "moving on" just barely breathing, yearning and overall despair of the loss of our life - not just the loss of our husband but the loss of our life as we knew it. I don't want "a new normal". Sending each of you a hug and care.

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