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Comment by Linda Engberg on January 21, 2017 at 2:28pm

To all my wonderful friends on this site, I am sick of people saying I feel sorry for myself, they are wrong, hope this post helps 

Comment by John T. on January 21, 2017 at 10:55am

Michael, it isn't that you're crazy.  It's hard to get motivated to do anything because it's hard to see the point in doing anything.  I've had a terrible time getting myself to do anything other than what I absolutely have to.  I was diagnosed by my doctor and a psychiatrist with PTSD because my wife died as I was doing CPR.  I watched the light go out of her eyes and it's an image I think of every single day.  Thank God it was painless and peaceful for her.  For me, it felt like my guts were ripped out and randomly stuffed back in.  Even remembering now how awful the experience was makes me physically hurt inside.  It's over two years now and I function better than I did.  For over a year, it seemed to be an effort just to breathe.  I never felt so alone.  The realization that the one person I could turn to for comfort was gone affected me so profoundly I can't describe how it felt.  Coping is easier now but doing things I once enjoyed is still beyond my reach.  Take care of yourselves, everyone.

Comment by Kevin Bailey on January 21, 2017 at 9:57am

Michael, the pain will always be there as long as we keep loving our loved ones, the only thing we can try to do is try to do things like walking, reading a book etc just so we don't go crazy. If not for my kids I wouldn't have no reason to stay here and that's the truth. I watched"The Notebook" that's the way I would've loved to go, with eachother. Why leave me behind when the women that I choose over all the women on this planet is gone? To stay alone? How can I truly get married again when it wasn't neither of our decision for her to leave? How can I fall in love again with another women? That would mean that if my wife was still here then that I would have the same feelings for that same women. I truly believe that you can only fall truly in love once in your lifetime. Michael, I can't wait to get back to Ga. I would love to meet up with you so we can talk about what we're going through. Take care everyone.

Comment by Michael on January 21, 2017 at 8:56am

I echo the comments below. I have no reason to be here any more. I struggle, at three months, to go on. I spend most of my time in bed. Maybe im wallowing, but getting up? Why? I make it to the grocery store once in a while and eat dinner at a local bar esch night. I make it to therapy and a grief group. Nothing helps. I spend hours reliving our lives. Im supposed to move but i ran out of gas after two days of cleaning out my house. I have a couple friends. They say move on. I also think i have PTSD from her awful death in my arms. Am i crazy? Should i get up and do something? Take a walk? Will that fix things? Help!

Comment by Mary on January 21, 2017 at 7:15am

Linda Alice and Morgan..my heart goes out to you. I feel the same. Thank you for sharing this as I was beginning to feel like "I'm wallowing in my self-pity". But I'm not. I feel like you all do because my life partner, my best friend, the love of my life is gone. Most days it feels like a heavy weight on my chest and I can't breathe. Someone said to me "just breathe". One thing I do to help get through the moments when desperation sits in.., I remind myself that it's me left behind instead of my love. He didn't have to suffer this. Only 2 days before he passed he was so worried about me (we had no idea that he was going to pass away) about my high blood pressure. He had tears in his eyes and said "you need to take care of yourself, I don't know what I'd do without you, I couldn't live ". So my hard moments, when I cAnt breathe and reality of not having my husband at home hits, I think this. It helps to get through the moment. I miss him so very much. And I want to be with him. God bless you all.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 21, 2017 at 6:51am

Dear Morgan,

When I lost my beloved Husband 4 year ago, I died with him. I just exist in this world and am really not a part of it. I see my therapist every two weeks and she is a great help to me. I thought I was crazy too, but she assured me that I am not. I have come to accept my fate of living without him, which is horrible each day and am just waiting to die so I can be joined with him again.

Blessings, Linda

Comment by morgan on January 21, 2017 at 12:52am

I don't want to be here without my love.  Im tired of every day having to push myself to be here without him.  Why am I still here?  Why cant I quit?  I am spent, cashed out, exhausted, tired, joyless and every day is just one more I have to spend thinking about living when I have no desire to.  

What do I have to do to have the universe listen to my plea?  Give me my husband back.  Where are you?  Please please tell me where you are......I cant keep doing this....I don't have the strength.  I cant go through this everyday.  I cant, I don't know how.....

just hit the landmine......

I need so much help everyday to get through this and I know the kind of help I need is not available.  I keep trying so hard to live without him and I cant....i just cant.  What am I going to do?  How much longer will I be able to withstand this?  Am I condemned to have to deal with this pain of loss until I die?  It doesn't go away, never for long, my brain has just gotten better at blocking it for longer periods but how long until I can have a full day without the shadow of his essence sitting with me affecting my every feeling?  never.......

I know I'm not crazy, I know this is a normal way to feel after losing the love of your life but how do I continue to live with this? How can I go day after day and be like this?  

I don't really want to hit the send button and put this out there but I have no other place to go.......I know you cant help me but thanks for listening....I'm just in a really bad place......

Comment by morgan on January 20, 2017 at 2:11pm

Everyone on here, with few exceptions, are here to reach out and question if what they are feeling is normal, because it seems so contrary to the life were living. Whether you lost a spouse, son daughter, anyone really close.   I believe what we "feel" is normal based on what kind of relationship we had.  I know what I feel is normal.  

The feelings I have are a direct result of the love I had.  In my head I know the love has really never died but the essence of his presence has been removed from my grasp and I struggle with that to this day.  Tomorrow it will be four years.  

Struggling to constantly want his essence is what for me makes me cry.  And now after what seems like an eternity I know I can not make those feelings be any more than what they are, which is normal for me.  I will always cry at the things that remind me of his essence.  It is burned into the very fibers of my being.  I have gotten better at handling trips to the supermarket because I have had to do them so much without him now that my mind just blocks the connectionI have had from before (protectively I'm sure)and I go about the business of getting groceries.  It has taken a very long time to get to this point.  

Other things I am still working on.  I do a lot of distraction.  Blocking.  When people talk about the early times of this I don't think I was anywhere near to understanding the depth of what had happened to me for years.  It was the fog that protected me from as much of it as possible or I would not be hear to tell of this journey. At about the third year mark I began to take stock of how real this was.  Now I can see where I am and I have had many epiphanies along the way.

I am normal. This is normal.  I am having to deal with living a life without the one person who really got me.  I have found a few stalwarts who I constantly call upon to prop me up when the going gets rough and all except for one can normally dial in as to where I might be at the moment because the path is still strewn with land mines.  I just am better able to walk through the field.  I sense when it is about to blow.  

HE was my life. My soul.  My rock. HE was the person who made this all worthwhile.  I participate in this life now, I just don't live here.  But thats normal for the love I had.  Now I know this is just  biding my time the best I can.  Thats it.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 20, 2017 at 12:54pm

Hi Kevin,

I am so glad John the Dragon moved on, I am happy for him if he did find someone else, but I feel and many others that our spouses were our lifetime soulmates and will always be until we join them.

Comment by Kevin Bailey on January 20, 2017 at 12:21pm

Thank you so much John T. for your share, I really and truly appreciate that. The same amount of love that we have for our loved ones is the the same amount of pain we have now.

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