Comment

Comment by Michael on February 23, 2017 at 8:53am

John,
I have a similar memory that keeps replaying in my mind. Every day, many times a day. I think we have PTSD.

Comment by John T. on February 21, 2017 at 12:21pm

Yesterday was awful.  I have no idea why but I kept having memories of my wife's last moments as I knelt beside her on the sidewalk and tried to perform CPR.  The image of the light fading from her eyes is overwhelming.  Thank God it was peaceful and she was not in pain.  There was no sign of suffering, which is such a profound blessing to me.  However, I've thought of that moment for over two years now, every single day, and can talk to no one about it.  It's a strangely comforting image as well as gut wrenching at the same time.  I don't even know why I'm writing this but there is nowhere else to say what's in my heart and memory.

Comment by Stacey White on February 20, 2017 at 5:25pm

Thanks for the comments.  It is comforting that others understand what we are going through.  Our birthdays are so close, now I am trying to gather the strength for his first birthday no longer on this earth - March 5th.   Trying to decide how to recognize it with respect to my two younger girls.

Comment by Denise on February 18, 2017 at 10:11pm

Stacey, my birthday was on Thursday, the first without my husband who died 8 months ago. Although I have two adult children, I went through a period on Thursday when I too felt alone and missed George terribly. I hope there will come a birthday when I can look back at the 37 birthdays that we shared and be able to be happy and not feel the overwhelming sense of emptiness.

Comment by Michael on February 18, 2017 at 8:24pm

I wish you could have a happy birthday. I hope one day you will again.

Comment by Stacey White on February 18, 2017 at 7:29pm

Well, today is my birthday - the first one without my best friend and husband who passed about 3 months ago.  I have been pretty good until tonight and now starting to wallow in self pity missing him.  I try to be strong in front of our little kids, but good grief it is so hard!  Being without him is just so, so very hard.  I have to get through this....

Comment by John T. on February 18, 2017 at 1:34pm

Last night my sister was talking to me about finally unpacking and fixing up the place where I live a little.  I just listened.  I don't want to unpack all the memories right now and there are two boxes marked "Christmas" I may never open.  Nothing really seems to matter and nothing seems permanent.  Why bother?  On top of that, I just learned there are tax issues with the tiny estate that was left behind and I may be making payments to the IRS for the rest of my life.  As if I had some sort of fortune at my disposal.  My only comfort is I could die tomorrow and all of this would be even more profoundly meaningless than it is today.  Try saying that to an IRS agent, a CPA, or lawyer and watch how they react.  No one can comprehend my feelings.  It's as if such loss is something that will never happen to them and I'm a threat to the fragile bubble of denial in which they obliviously exist.   

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 15, 2017 at 6:52am

Anne,

You said it perfectly.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 12, 2017 at 4:00pm

John,

Yes it is I just pray the Lord won't make me suffer much longer and take me to all that I lost.

Comment by John T. on February 12, 2017 at 3:56pm

Linda, as depressing as that thought is, I have been thinking that for the past couple of months.  It's as if I'm just waiting for it to happen around me.  After my father's death when I was 10, I had nightmares all through the Cold War that I something awful would happen and I would be all alone, the only survivor.  That seems prophetic now and I am not dealing with it any better than when I was a little boy.  It's depressing, oppressive, and frightening.

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