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Comment by JenShep on July 2, 2017 at 12:50pm

Lost with out him,

Thank you so much for your note.  I'm sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong place - I can't figure out how to reply directly to your note. You're right about putting on the brave face everywhere else and having this as a place to say what we really feel. That is comforting. I am definitely getting the feeling that people don't want to hear about it any more. I know for me that Tom was it. So, how can I really talk/think about anything else?  Everything else is just acting! 

I'm really amazed and happy that when you talked to the medium that Andrew came through.  I have spoken with two different mediums and the first one was pretty terrible - nothing resonated at all.  The second one was better but I'm still not convinced.  A lot of the info was pretty generic. So I've given up on mediums for now. It's hard to get my hopes up and then have them dashed. I'm working more on trying to figure out how to communicate with Tom on my own because I trust myself more than anyone else!

But, I will tell you about a couple of the things that I've experienced that have made me rethink my entire atheist viewpoint. The first experience was when I was trying to sleep but couldn't and had been lying there for hours. All of the sudden there was this crazy vibration coming from his side of the bed. I sensed that it was Tom. It was magnetic, pulling me towards it. It was very scary. I kept telling myself not to freak out, that it is Tom. It happened again a few nights later and then a third time a few nights after that. Then while going through my notes in my phone I came across a dream I had back in January of last year. It was that my dad (who died when I was 12) had come to visit me and he was a vibration and I knew it was him because of his specific vibration.  This plus the vibration/magnetic experiences really made me start to think that Tom had been trying to visit me to tell me that he was still here, that he still exists. Following that I had similar vibration "visits" but these got so much better. Instead of being a magnetic "pull" and kind of scary, these were beautiful, full-body vibrations that made me feel like Tom was just loving me. I was definitely fully awake/conscious. I've had other smaller things - signs, etc but I can always analyze those away :( These vibration "visits" though have made me start reading everything I can get my hands on about the afterlife. My beliefs are still forming but there is so much more comfort in thinking that Tom still exists and that I will be with him again. 

There's so much more but I don't want to ramble on. I'm meditating and trying to see if I hear anything from Tom. Sometimes I do. It could be all in my head but I am going to keep at it. I'm trying to open my mind so that I can experience the things we cannot see. I feel like I will spend my life trying to get to him. It's the only thing that keeps me calm. 

I do highly recommend reading "Same Soul, Many Bodies" by Brian Weiss, MD. It opened my eyes to something very compelling. He has another one that I just bought called "Only Love is Real. A Story of Soulmates Reunited." I can't wait to read this one since it is so pertinent. 

Btw, I understand your playing Andrew's death over and over and how traumatizing it must have been and still is to you. I do the same thing. It's awful when that enters my head. I want to think of Tom the way he was before he was sick but those terrible memories are a part of my mind that I can't erase. I've been told that in time those terrible thoughts go away and then we are left with the good/happy memories. I don't know but I hope this is true. 

Much love. I hope you can have a sort-of decent day <3

Comment by Elynn m on June 30, 2017 at 11:11pm

Kim,  I am sorry for your lisd.

  take time as much for yourself as you need...if possible take  time off of work so you can think.    Maybe a close friend could help you do what you need to do.   You are right, your son cannot accept your husband's death.  

Comment by Lost with out him on June 30, 2017 at 9:39pm

Hi Jennifer and Welcome:

You will find comfort here. I understand that you were looking for something more uplifting but I think that we all walk around with our " in public brave face" that we find that we can truly say what we really feel here and cannot any other place. I hope it will get better too. As for the after life I truly believe in it. I have had many signs already from Andrew. I would love to hear your experiences. At first I did not want to leave my home as I knew he was here, I could feel him here and as time has gone on I know that he isn't alway here in fact this week I am not sure if he has been here at all. Yes some people think it is weird or strange but I have always believed it. I have not read anything really about the reincarnation stuff. But I would like to believe that we would come together again similar to the way we did this time and many other times before. I have seen a medium and it was Andrew that came through for sure. ( he talked about all the details surrounding his sudden death.) that no body else could possibly know. I replay his death over and over again I am so traumatized by it. Our Grandaughters were there and I have a hard time being alone in my house alone with them as I replay that scary day. But I know he is with me a lot of the time guiding me and encouraging me to do the things I must do but are uncertain about or give anxiety. I have done things over the last 18 weeks that I never thought I would have to do. All the while going through the motions because I have too. Without any happiness just numbness. I hope you find comfort here and would like to discuss the after life with you. ❤️

Comment by JenShep on June 30, 2017 at 7:53pm

Hello,

It's been 8 months since I lost the love of my life. We were true soul mates.  As his ex-girlfriend said "you didn't even have to do the work." We were made for each other.  I used to joke that if we searched we'd find out that we were related somewhere far back.  It was easy.  We just wanted to be around each other all the time.  Since he's been gone it's been my worst nightmare come to life.  It hasn't gotten easier - maybe different.  At first I was numb.  Now I feel like I'm in a marathon.  How long do I have to do this?  How many days do I have to wake up and feel the awfulness of realizing that he's gone?  How many nights do I pray to not wake up? Of course I echo all of the sentiments I read here.  I constantly find myself saying out loud: "I want our life back.  I loved our life together.  How can I get back to you?" I've kept everything as he left it - as if he is coming back.  I read the posts here and am discouraged to find that after years people still feel the way I do now.  I guess it's to be expected.  That is what I have expected for myself but I thought maybe I was worse off than others.  It's both comforting and disconcerting that I'm not.  I found this site by googling "I lost my husband and now I want to die."  I wish all the time that something would take me and I could get to him.  I'm 43.  I'm afraid I'm going to live to be 100 and have all of these years of misery.  I wish I were 80.  I wish I didn't have such a long span of time ahead of me. I don't have kids or pets.  My only family members are really my sister and mom.  My sister is impossible (long history of drug abuse) so I'm really left with my mom.  She's the only reason I'm here.  What happens when she's gone?  All I want is to get to him. And without that, the only thing that keeps me going is reading everything I can get my hands on about the afterlife.  I went into this a complete atheist but had a few strange experiences that have made me look into other ideas and that has helped some.  I wish that when I came to this site I found folks who were finding peace, improving, etc.  But, that's really not the case.  I'm discouraged.  Friends and family seem to be getting to the stage where they think I should be better, should have moved on.  That will never happen.  I finally called a grief counselor today but I don't have high expectations for that.  Just maybe someone to talk to who isn't tired of hearing about it.  But wanted to offer maybe the tiniest bit of optimism for anyone who might find it helpful.  I came across some books by Brian Weiss MD about past life regression and reincarnation.  The idea was awful to me at first.  The idea that my love could reincarnate to another life and not be waiting for me is horrendous.  But, this doctor's books introduced the idea that we travel through eternity with our soul mates.  I know this is a bit of a crazy concept and I don't really want to get religious or preachy.  But, the idea that we travel through eternity with our soulmates has helped me some.  Maybe this life with him is just a small blip in the eternity that we will spend together.  I try to focus on that when I can.  It doesn't always work but I wanted to offer that up in case it helps someone else.  I definitely recommend reading some of Brian Weiss's books just in case it resonates.  Thanks for listening.  

Comment by bluebird on June 29, 2017 at 9:34pm

Thank you, Mary.

Alice, I agree with you that you are "appropriately negative". I feel the same way.

Comment by Mary on June 29, 2017 at 7:18pm

Bluebird - I'm sorry to hear of your dear cat. Thinking of you

Alice - exactly how I feel. I put on that "ok" mask every time I go to work etc. My heart is broken. I don't think I'm negative - just sad, lonely for my best friend and soulmate. Friends say go out, try new things, take a trip. But I don't want to. I'm not feeling sorry for myself - just am sad. Sad that my life has changed. That my life partner got taken away so soon (52 years). Taking a trip, going out, would make me miss Neil more - because he's not with me.

I was fortunate to find this site. When I read everyone's comments I know exactly how they feel and why. When you have lost that special person in your life, nothing can make up for it. No one or thing can take its place.

Comment by bluebird on June 29, 2017 at 6:31pm

Thank you, Alice.

Comment by bluebird on June 29, 2017 at 6:20pm

First our little girl cat died, about 8 years ago. Then my husband died, almost 5 years ago. Now our little boy cat is sick, and I've had to schedule the vet to come put him down on July 10th.  Other than my sister and her husband, our cat is my last living link to my husband. Of course I love him for himself, but also for that connection, as he's OUR baby.

I fucking hate this life. 

Comment by Mary on June 29, 2017 at 5:51pm

It is 14 months without my dear husband Neil. I feel like I'm just floating along... I have no joy in my day. It's just a matter of getting done what needs to be done. I have teens at home so I do my best to give them a home to be at. I struggle with how to help my kids. I know they are hurting but they don't share. I really don't want to be here anymore. What for? Other than for my kids. I'm being selfish but I wish we went together. Neil is my world. High school sweethearts.
July 4th would have been 30 years and we still loved and liked it each other. My heart still skipped a beat when we were together. Neil is my life. He was so there for all of us. His sparkle is like a void.
I manage to go to work cuz I have to and keep our house together. But everyone morning is the same ... like a kick in the stomach. And every night the empty space is my bed, the loss of my life partner.
During the day the same - no one to share together. Neil is irreplaceable. One in a million. The light in my life is forever gone.
Thank you for letting me share. My friends don't want to hear any more ... they say I'm too negative. If only they could understand how it feels. ❤

Comment by Lost with out him on June 28, 2017 at 7:01pm

Hi Kim and Jackie:

18 weeks for me. I too cannot believe I have survived ( barely) I too am suddenly and hit with the fear that this is it! How can I ever go on.. And I really do not want to. I am going through the motions because I have too. I cannot imagine spending years with out Andrew. I do not any long term plans. I must sell my house. Clesr out a ton of things I cannot keep. Sell my husbands woodworking machines, close his business, fix up an old house in order to sell it, work full time and try to be a Mother and Nana, and deal with a chronic illness ( not whining I cannot talk to anyone else and appreciate you are here ) I have been on meds for anxiety ( never experienced it before) the feeling scares me. I feel like my heart is racing and someone has kicked me in the stomach. The kick usually occurs when I realize ( forgot for a minute or two he is gone) I do not find any joy in anything. I am so lonely. I go to work but cannot concentrate. I want my life back!! I cannot believe that this nightmare will not end. Thanks for listening so glad I have all of you.

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