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Comment by Robin Jone on November 27, 2011 at 9:23am

I feel so bad that we are all hurting so much. I know how very blessed I am to have my husband, three daughters, and two granddaughters but know that the absence of my son Zach will always be felt. Adrianne, I know what you mean trying to pretend to everyone that we are okay to the outside world. I try so hard to live one day at a time, or one moment at a time but I am a preschool teacher and have to prepare and plan for all the holiday festivities. I explained to my Director how difficult it is for me, I know I have to do it, it is part of my job but it is making it difficult for me to take everything one day at a time. My coworkers are so impressed by how well I am doing. I explained to them that I am playing two different people. I try to put on the face of the happy teacher for my children at the preschool, then at night I can let that mask down and grieve for my son. I worry how long I am going to be able to  put that mask on. I have heard the saying "fake it to you make it" and I guess that is what I am doing. Don't know if that really applies to losing your son or daughter though. How do you fake getting through that. I just keep asking everyone for prayers to help my family continue to get through one more day. I pray that all of you will get through "one day at a time" and can find some joy and comfort of your friends and family who are still there for you. Prayers and hugs to each and every one of you.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 27, 2011 at 1:30am

It's helpful that we understand exactly how we feel when our family and friends don't. It's so sad that we know this from experience. The last three days have been torture. I own a boutique in a small mountain community. Thanksgiving was spent getting the store ready for "shop at home" the weekend festivities. I had to endure two days of Christmas. Lights, choir's, Christmas light parade and a whole lot of very cheery people. Pretending to be glad to see them. Enduring more than I could. For 12 hours a day yesterday and today. My pain and suffering was bad enough but now I see these families together and mine is broken. I know now that every day will be just an effort to get to the end of my life and get this over with.

Comment by Karen R. on November 26, 2011 at 9:56pm

Just saying hello and sending my love and hugs to all.

Comment by Ammy on November 25, 2011 at 1:06am

I have been reading the recent comments and would like to write something enlightening, but I can't think of anything.  Just want you all to know I'm thinking of you and I hope you are all sleeping.  I've tried but I can't get to sleep.  My eyes hurt from the tiredness and yet my mind won't stop thinking.  Had an exhausting day with our daughters, grandkids, and other family.  I didn't even sit down at the table with everyone as they ate.  I just kept busy.  Finally fixed myself a plate around 10 p.m. and thought for sure I was going to sleep early tonight.  Ha, another joke on me.  So many of you commented today.  I'm sorry you are all feeling this pain, this loneliness of missing your child.  We have another month to get past this year and hopefully to some relief.  Would like to sleep until then so I can avoid all the holiday cheerfulness of everyone, but I know that is just wishful thinking.  Just know that I hurt for you too because I know how bad you are hurting.  We all know the pain each of us is feeling, the emotions, and there is nothing we can really do for each other except be here and share.  It does help and I am thankful for all of you.  Love & blessings!   ♥ ♥ ♥

Comment by Robin Jone on November 24, 2011 at 8:10pm

Well I made it through my first Thanksgiving without Zach. Yesterday and I a total meltdown and the day before my husband did. I think that actually helped me get through today a little better. Had to run to the store to get sparkling cider today, on the way home I cried remembering how Zach would always want a whole bottle for himself. Had all of our family over for dinner and a couple of Zach's friends, which helped a little I think. After everyone went home, my husband and two of my daughters and I played some games. All of a sudden, I started crying and just felt such an incredible loss, that Zach should have been there with us. I like to think that maybe I felt his presence right then, and that is why it hit me so suddenly. I agree with Grace, I am not the same person anymore. I appear okay  to everyone on the outside, but my life will never be the same again. Some days I don't know how I can continue to live without, but I know that I must for the rest of my family. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am thankful for all of you. Hugs and prayers to you all. Thank you for being here.

Comment by Grace on November 24, 2011 at 6:44pm

The Dishwasher hums that I made it through Thanksgiving Dinner... the house is empty and It is over.... It has been a rough day... but it is over now..... I may look ok to my family.... But I still am NOT OK...... How will it ever be OK again?   But we have all endured and we must continue to breathe air in and out and go on without.... without so much that unless you are here like all of us are.... You can not imagine how much "WITHOUT" we live through.....   Hugs today and tomorrow is on the horizon.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on November 24, 2011 at 6:34pm

I wish you all hugs and prayers this Thanksgiving! It sucks that we have to be here but I am thankful for each of you as you have helped me many times in my grief. God bless you all!

Comment by Lisa Adams on November 24, 2011 at 10:46am

Happy Thanksgiving all.  Hard for me to find anything to be thankful for today. Not only is this my first major holiday without my punkin it also marks the six months date of her passing. My son couldn't come home for the holiday because he wants to be here for Christmas. So sad that circumstances made him have to choose, but I understand. My idiot boyfriend, as is his usual tactic, has already found a reason to pick a fight with me and left me here alone.  So, here I sit. I just want this day to hurry and be over. Hugs and prayers to everyone.

Comment by Frances Cope on November 24, 2011 at 8:03am

Grace, your comments about your Son are so familiar, especially on Thanksgiving Day and his love of food. Our dear son Jason could not wait to get started eating.  First in line always then back shortly for a few more bites.  This is our second TG without him. Last year I did not cook but went to our other son's for the traditional meal.

Have been cooking now for two days getting ready, find cooking is such good therapy.  Our immediate family is small, my husband,our son Jeff and his wife and Jeff's two daughters and one grandson-in law.  Jason has two younger sons that we seldom see but will call them today and see if I can bring them to our house.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and have a Blessed Thanksgiving.

 

 

Comment by Grace on November 24, 2011 at 7:24am

Hi Everyone..... Happy Thanksgiving!  I have been reading all of your comments and have been where Ammy and others have been in my thoughts.... I had said earlier that it has been May 2009 and I still have a huge amount of Pills left from my son.... seizure meds... Mellaril, Elavil...  so many pills I could have one hell of a final party! but I have not done it because I have 2 other kids and family.... even though at times I think that they Really don't need me anymore.... and like Adrianne, I guess my faith has left me to wonder if there Really is a Place on the Other Side.... I guess I am doubtful.... and IF there is why has God forsaken us to suffer so much as to take my 14 year old?

The holidays are so hard... I find my mind thinking and I almost fall apart at anytime or place... yet I find myself looking "OK" because I really feel so alone in this... My marriage continues to be in trouble and I just don't know who I can trust with this pain... my friends and family try to change the subject in hopes to get my mind off my Niles....   (When Lorraine called he son Sy Guy.... it made me think of me calling my son  NY GUY!) 

Today is Thanksgiving.... My "NY GUY" would be waiting with fork in hand to eat all the Stuffin and Brown and Serve Rolls..... since he has been gone those have been "Left Overs"  And  I still think of him if I make Turkey Tortellini Soup... where he would eat most of the tortellini...

The turkey and potatoes and all the trimmings are in the making for about 16 guests..... while we will all be missing him...many will want to get me thinking about something else... change the subject.... and I will be pretending the whole day that I'm OK.    May We all make it through the day... and be Thankful to know that Our Heart has Held So Much LOVE in our Heart for our Kids that it Still overflows!   More Love than we ever knew we had..... 

 

 

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