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Comment by anne on January 9, 2012 at 11:56pm

I truly believe the words " accept the things I cannot change". I cant go back and change any of it, Nothing I say or do will bring my children back to me, so I really have no other choice. I guess I could greive till I die but what message does that send to my daughters and my grandchildren? I love my boys and I will always love and remember them. They will always be in my heart and on my mind. A love like that never goes away. So I chose to accept it all. I still have times of sorrow, anger, pain and wonder but I refuse to allow it to consume any more precious time. I cannot change whats happened, but I sure as heck can control how much  time is spent feeling bad. I know my sons would want me to live laugh and love to the best of my ability for them and for the people we love here on earth.. Anything is possible.

Comment by Karen R. on January 8, 2012 at 2:17pm

Hey Lorrraine,  thanks to you also for your support. I really read into what you said, I also have felt like here is something bigger me, greater than us all. I really would like to believe that this great power, God, energy, does NOT "allow" these things to happen. And I agree about what happened to be given the option to get better. We are definately not perfect and why should we be punished for being less than that? The night that the doctor told me that there was nothing else they could do for my son, I felt defeated and than i felt like I was being punished. I couldn't think of why else I would be experiencing such pain that was powerful enough to kill me. I started feeling like all of my "good" deeds were all in vain, I was angry that my son was not given another chance by this "Great Power". Maybe it just happened because we are less than perfect and this world is simply fu@k!d up! Whatever  the reason, there is no accectable reason to me. I have also experienced panic attacks as you described......not a good feeling. I know how hard it must be to perform at work as if you are "OK" because just because they don't see the tears flowing on the outside, they are always flowing on the inside.

SENDING HUGS TO ALL.

Comment by Karen R. on January 8, 2012 at 1:57pm

Hey Ann, thanks for your support and not being judgemental. Your thoughts were encouraging and comforting. Just to refresh your memory, my 21 yr old son was riding his friend's motorcycle, on a residential street when he was chased and rammed into an oncoming car. He sustained a massive brain injury and was in ICU for 1 wk before he passed away. He had been missing for 30 hrs before we found out what happened. He was admitted as a "John Doe" because the police claimed he had no ID on him. His case is still under investigation. I know who is responsible thanks to witnesses, I am diligently seeking justice for my son. I hope that some of my pain and anguish will be , however slightly, diminished once these people are held accountable. These circumstances just further fuels my anger.

I agree with you, I do believe that if my child had been ill and sending him away would benefit him and enable him to live......I would do it. Just as I would have traded places with him to spare him this tragic, unjust end.

Comment by Lorraine on January 8, 2012 at 1:01pm

Ann, I guess my beliefs are somewhat similar and somewhat different. while I respect that we would of course not want our children to be in pain, and that God does not want our children for some reason, as the religious person said to Karen, I don't think that God is this all powerful being.  Otherwise, instead of my options of my son living in pain or dying, we would also have been given the choice of him getting better. Perspective is so interesting to me; sometimes you hear people who have been in a car accident and survive say "God must have a plan for me."  Well, what about your two friends who died???  Didn't God have a plan for them?? I guess I don't believe that God has control over these things; I have always believed in something bigger than myself (God or higher power), but I question paying a price for disobedience to God.  If God is there, mine is a loving and forgiving God who realizes that we are all human.  My God doesn't take children from us, rather provides a place of growth and loveliness for us to go to when we are finished here on earth.  Otherwise I'm not really interested; if God is punitive, then I guess I'll go to hell, where I will probably see my spirited and outspoken son since he didn't believe in God, rather in energy.  Oh well, food for thought.  I am not offended by anything you write, just want to put my own two cents in the mix as well.  My heart goes out to you and every other parent here who knows the pain faced each day without our children.  Karen, great poem.  I have a friend who shares some wonderful poems on face book, sometime I will print here.  I know what you mean about death feeling like the reward sometimes. Last week I had the most horrific panic attack on my way to work and relived my son Sy's last moments here, as well as the hours after where I laid in bed with him singing and talking.  I literally thought that I was going to pass out on the road with this panic attack, and had to pull over.  Unfortunately I need to work, so pulled myself together best as I could and showed up half an hour late...  Life is so changed, and so hard to figure it all out anymore.  Sending love to everyone~

Comment by Ann Edmondson on January 8, 2012 at 11:40am

Karen -- that is a beautiful poem and one we all probably need to hear and take note of. There is no "fix" to our pain. We have days that make it tolerable and we have days that are so harsh that we wish we were the ones that had died that fateful day. We all go through different stages of grief and no one stage has a time period. We may even find ourselves going back and forth through some of the stages several times in our lifetime. The "religious" person who said that God "needed" your son was full of honkey dew! God does not need our children for anything. God is all powerful. He can do anything by Himself. As far as our children dieing before us -- evil men do evil things! We pay a price for for disobedience to God. I do not remember the particulars of your son's death. But let me try to offer you a little hope. If you child was killed due to health or injury, would it not be better for them to be with God and safe and sound than living here in pain an misery? I posted in another section (Lost Faith) and asked someone else if they had a choice of their child being with them and in pain or living in another country without any contact with the parent what would you choose. I have had a child with health issues. If I thought for one minute that I could have sent this child to a country where they would have not had a problem, even if it meant I could never see them again I would have done it in a heart beat. I am not saying that every parent could do this. And please do not be angry! I am just offering a few words for thought.

Comment by Karen R. on January 8, 2012 at 12:08am

Someone just emailed me this poem.

Around the corner I have a friend, In this great city that has no end, Yet the days go by and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone. And I never see my old friends face, For life is a swift and terrible race, He knows I like him just as well, As in the days when I rang his bell. And he rang mine but we were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men. Tired of playing a foolish game, Tired of trying to make a name. 'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim Just to show that I'm thinking of him.' But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner, yet miles away, 'Here's a telegram sir,' ' Jim died today.' And that's what we get and deserve in the end. Around the corner, a vanished friend. Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late... Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

Comment by Karen R. on January 8, 2012 at 12:01am

Hello everyone. I still don't think of my son in the "past" tense. Just not possible. I still hold on to the hope that none of this ever happened and that I'm dreaming.......even as I'm typing my words. I was just thinking that maybe everything is in reverse, maybe what we percieve to be life is death and what is death is life. Somedays I feel like a cruel joke is being played on me. I feel like I'm "living" in hell. I say hell because where else would a person know this pain, where else would I suffer like this, where else would there be so much sorrow, hate, violence, war, hunger, sickness, greed, jeolousy? Why?!! Is "death" the reward? I felt this way before my son was robbed of his life but now I guess it's more in my face...so to speak. A religious person told me recently that God "needed" my son......I pondered on that thought and said why, what did he need him for?! I need my son, I want my son. I once thought that I had a strong faith but now it is severely weakened. The night my son passed away, it was destroyed. In these past 2 yrs, I'm struggling to build it back up. I try to remember all of those who tell me that it is their FAITH-no matter what religion, that gets them through this horrible ordeal. My battle is, why should any of this be "ok" with me? Why is it that just because we will all meet the same fate, make it be more accepting, more bareable? I am sorry if I have made anyone upset, for that is truly not my intentions. I know that I haven't said anything to positive but I feel like I am withering away. I am so frustrated that I still haven't been able to "FIX" any of this yet. I haven't been able to make it so that none of this happened and my son is on his way home to me. I wasn't done yelling at him to turn his music down, I wasn't done telling him to his face that I love him, I wasn't done giving him hugs. I wasn't done with watching him grow up to become a man.  I was always able to fix his "boo boo's", I could always make him feel better but I couldn't save him, I couldn't help him live more than 21 yrs.

Thanks for listening.

Comment by Dick on January 7, 2012 at 11:45am

I think we lost Mandy, the lady with the little girl that got hit by an Auto.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 7, 2012 at 2:33am

My last sentence should have said "when we LOVE our children so much". I'm not letting go. I have to keep him alive in my heart and my mind and soul. It will be more painful but I must endure this as to give up would be more of a loss than I have already experienced. I'm sure you all feel the same.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 7, 2012 at 2:28am

Dick. I too am a Christian. I also have had premonitions and experienced many unusual things especially as a child. There are some things I know for sure. One of them is that wnen my aunt who was also my godmother passed, I cried so hard in to the night asking "for a sign that she was okay". I woke hours later to the very very strong smell of flowers. I put my hand out and said aloud "okay Zia (aunt in Italian) thank you" and promptly fell back to sleep. May not have felt real except in the morning my husband asked me who was I talking to and why did our room smell like flowers? A few days before my Zia died she scared my mom (her sister) by telling her that her father, mom and brother had visited and they would help her cross over. When I saw her that day she asked me if I believed her. I knew without a doubt she had experienced something very real. I don't think for a second this is not un Christian behavior to believe we have signs. It seems cruel that God would let us live and then test us on our faith. I don't believe this could be true. God is love. He would permit us the miracles small or big so that we can remain faithful. I have more examples of what I have experienced. I will share if anyone's interested. We cannot expect to barely grieve when we loved our children so much.

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