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Comment by anne on March 1, 2012 at 5:32pm

Dear Lisa, your words are of strength and beauty. You have touched my heart deeply and I thank you!  To Christina, Happy Birthday to your son Zach. Birthdays should never be forgotten. To all who is missing someone today as do I, Great Peace to you.

Comment by Ammy on March 1, 2012 at 4:55pm

Lisa, I had to sign in just to say that what you wrote is beautiful.

Thinking of you all with affection.

Comment by Lisa Adams on March 1, 2012 at 3:58pm

This is just my personal belief but I think that now our children are able to see us with the purity of complete and absolute love.  Like God, they see our very hearts.  So I don't believe that Roxanne would think that my lack of outward grief for her is any measurement of my love.  I don't think our children look at us with eyes of judgement and condemnation but rather with eyes of breath-taking, pure love, grace and mercy. 

Comment by Robin Jone on March 1, 2012 at 2:20pm

Christina, I am so sorry you are hurting today. I think, like Dick said, we need to allow ourselves some time to let it all out. I don't think it is good to try and keep all those emotions bottled up inside of us. Saturday will be the six month mark from when I lost my son, Zach. I can't believe that six months have gone by already, but then again sometimes the pain is so raw and fresh, that it seems like it was only yesterday. Dick said he finds help in attending Compassionate Friends meetings, as do I. I wish they met more than once a month though. It is there and church that I allow myself to cry and grieve because there are people there who understand or know what I am going through. I sometimes can't believe that I am able to be up and be a functioning adult, I then feel guilty like Zach might think I didn't love him enough or care enough. I loved him so very much, and miss him more every day that goes by that I don't get to see him. Yesterday my husband went to the dr., they diagnosed him with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder. Is it wrong that I feel like since I don't seem to be as depressed as my husband that Zach will think his Dad loved him more or misses him more? I know it sounds so stupid. Missing him so very much. Robin

Comment by Dick on March 1, 2012 at 1:39pm

A lot of my grief comes from feeling guilty that I could have done more or done something differently. A lot of choices good, bad and indifferent that could have influenced the outcome that I feel guilty about. I feel guilty that I am moving forward in time and Danny stopped at August 14, 2011. Guilt drives my grief.

Comment by Lisa Adams on March 1, 2012 at 1:36pm

Thanks Anne, you are so sweet. 

Comment by Dick on March 1, 2012 at 1:32pm

Michele,

I lost my son six months ago, up until Christmas I was numb like you speak. I have been able to move past that recently by compartmentalizing my grief. I don't let it rule my day any longer. I am positive I long for my son as much as you; I just have to but a mental block for most of the day. In my earlier posts, I have carved out the time and place for my grief in full glory. It seems to have helped me. I do get small waves of grief during the day, triggers, but I have been able to control them better and my voice does nbot crack when I talk of Danny. Therapy did me and the wife no good, Christian counsler. Compassionate Friend meetings help me much more, meeting with others in my situation.

 

Comment by anne on March 1, 2012 at 1:30pm

Dear Lisa, and all, not to worry. I too over the years have learned to shut others out, but in self defense. You see, I have found over the years that there are things I can control and things I cant. I cant control what others say, but I sure as heck can control when and if I listen to them. It's a self defense mechanisim that I have almost mastered over the years. You have the right to listen to them or not. Remember there are people out there just like us who know and understand what you're going through, and those are the ones that hopefully won't say those ridiculous things. My own mother who has also lost a child has said some pretty tough things to me. At first they hurt like hell because I thought that she of all people should know better, but over time I have learned to shut her out when I choose to. It's a difficult thing to do, but over time I have learned to protect myself. I choose who I listen to and who I ignore. I know alot of you don't think time does much and it doesn't for a long while, but for me time has been my savior. You see I have been through some very dark, dark, places as I know all of you have, but when I think back on it all, I am grateful that somehow time and faith has allowed me to live and love again. The strange and hurtful things others say, and have said to me still get to me every once in a while, but I do my best to not listen for I believe no one will ever tell my heart what and how to feel. My heart is MINE, and only I can really protect it. I think it's something I have learned as I have traveled through this awful, miserable, and sometimes life threatening journey. I hope all of you know that when I speak to you it's not a bunch of made up hoooey. It's real and I share because I know in my heart and soul how totally heartbreaking all of this is. I write for myself to let it out and I write in hopes that my experiences will maybe help someone else who has walked in my shoes. Take care of yourself, take care of those you love, and you choose who and what you listen to. When my little boy was killed I listened to everyone else and I thought I couldnt decide for myself, and I allowed them all to take my life and my love from me. When my oldest boy was killed I made a vow then and there that no one, and I mean no one will ever take away whats rightfully mine, and that is my right to choose how and when I deal with the deaths of my beloved sons.When I looked at my son Ben, my best friend, my confidant, my everything, laying on that table I had terrible flashbacks to when my little boy Del died and everyone took away my choices and my freedom, I made Ben a promise as I held him in my arms that no one will ever do that to me again, and I could feel him and hear him tell me to fight and never stop fighting for whats rightfully mine. So you choose whats right for you. Sorry guys I get pretty worked up about this, but only because I know firsthand. You see it's bad enough to lose a child ( which by the way I dont believe they are lost because I know where they are) but for anyone to take away my right to grieve the way thats best for me is intolerabal. I stood for it once but never again. Let your logical mind help your emotional do the deciding. Love to all.

Comment by Lisa Adams on March 1, 2012 at 11:14am

Lately I have realized that have little tolerance for extra "dramas" in life.  Maybe it's because we, as grieving parents, are living the worst drama that life can dish out.  I just can't understand people that want to create drama. I mean, I understand that some people are so damaged and need attention so bad that they will do and say the most incredible things but why bring it to MY doorstep? Why try to drag me down even further than I already am?  Now when people start this sh$$ up with me, I will shut them down and shut them out completely.  Does anyone else have this experience? And just to clarify, I am speaking of an incident involoving my boyfriend's daughter and an incident involving one of my daughter's friends from church.

Comment by Michele Dybdall on March 1, 2012 at 10:11am

I have been going through a period of numbness, which can be helpful, but then comes the time when it feels like the bottom falls out 'again' and the reality hits. The 'bottom' for me feels like grief that has been suppressed during the numbness and now gets released.  I'm a person who relates feelings to pictures and sometimes that brings an odd sort of comfort.  I don't know, may sound crazy, but I'll share anyway. So here's the pic. The numbness is like being in a reservoir where the water is still and barely moving. It's calm and gentle, not really going anywhere, but there is still life happening in it.  And then the doors of the dam open and there goes the rush of water overflowing, covering everything in its path. (like the feeling of the bottom dropping out)  There's life going on here too, but it's definitely not a quiet water.  Water spraying every which way, and tumbling and bubbling, etc. I know God is in both the quiet waters and the fast tumbling waters with me and both are necessary for me as I walk through missing my son.  But I admit it's a path I wish I wasn't on and the road seems to spread out long in front of me.  May God continue to walk with me and let me hold to His promises that He would never leave me or abandon me.  I pray that for

all of you too!  Blessings!

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