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Comment by Grace on March 16, 2012 at 6:09am

He also had such beautiful blue eyes and snuggled so warmly.... and I'd give anything to have him snuggle with me again,

Comment by Grace on March 16, 2012 at 6:06am

Adrianne and Anne... My son had Autism and was a very challenginging behavioral issue... stripped at school, would scream, run away from us... was 14 when he died but had serious cognitive and behaviors... I really miss that kid... he was the center of attention for our whole family..... The outside world and even one of my husbands friends (Who lost a teen son in a car accident years ago) said to me that his situation was so bad but ours was a Blessing.... People can be so rude.   But because we rotated around him.. now it feels like the whole family has spun away from the hub.   Which to others seemed like (Niles) was a burden.    But he was my life and worries and joys and BOY I MISS THAT KID!

Comment by anne on March 15, 2012 at 5:54pm

Dear Ammy, everything in your post hits it right on the nose. I have to say that mental illness is even harder because you cant see it. You cant even guess whats going on in the mind of someone who is mentally ill. Physical illness you can see. It can be treated much easier. Mental illness is a guessing game. You cant x-ray it, cant blood test it and everyones mind works differently. I pray that someday this will change and those who suffer from mental illness will get the right diagnosis early enough so that moms everywhere dont have to suffer the way you have had to in losing your child. I read and reread the words from compassionate friends and I have felt every word of it, not once but twice. The thing that gets me through is the belief in the human spirit and the knowledge that Love never dies no matter what. Somedays I have to remind myself of this several times in order to face another day. My boys in fact have been taken away from me but my love for them can never be taken from me, and thats what keeps me here. Greif is alot like it. You cant see it and theres no medical test for it, and unless you have gone through the loss of a child you couldnt possibly understand it. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. I think not understanding grief is a way of protection for those who have not had to understand it. If we did understand it without experiencing it there wouldnt be many children in this world. It's a chance we take when we love and I cant imagine a world without LOVE. For me I would do it all over again, because the time I had with my boys was worth more than all the time i've been cheated out of. Theres alot of thngs you cant see when your greif is so new and the wound is raw, but for me I see life through a whole new set of eyes. I love you Ben! I love you Del!

Comment by Grace on March 15, 2012 at 5:47pm

WOW AMMY.... those Compassionate friends really can feel what we feel.   Thanks for sharing.... how many of us have had these feelings and express them here...like it is new....

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on March 15, 2012 at 2:40pm

Thank you Ammy.  The information you provided is so true.  Sending hugs to you all.

Comment by Ammy on March 15, 2012 at 2:13pm

Yesterday was 20 months (87 weeks).  A hard day.  Harder than most, and it is still lingering today.  I try so hard in my head to find a definition for what I feel like but I can't put it into a word.  Is there a true definition for how we are feeling?  Maybe they haven't found one word that fits for us because too many words describe us.

Anne, I hope you're right about daughters because I am in the same situation as Adrianne.  My girls have their lives, but my son was with us.  He needed help.  I hardly hear from one of my daughters, and the other one has left a 12 year relationship and will be moving back in with us for awhile.  She was best friends with her big brother and I know she is still having rough times.

Some of your children had physical illness and needed your help, but my son had mental illness and always depended on me and his dad for support.  He tried many times to make it on his own, but without the psychiatric help he needed he always came back home.

Only when I think of what he lived with am I able to have some peace of mind because I know he is no longer fighting his demons.  What he allowed us to witness in the last year and a half of his life was unbelievable.  My heart breaks for him when I think how long he fought this on his own.  I would never have been able to live what he lived in his head.  After his daughter was born in 2008 he tried even harder and eventually went for help in February 2010.  You would think it to be an answer to prayer, but ultimately it then led to his leaving us forever.

We all have our stories and it's a help to know that we are not alone.  We can come here and know that others understand where we are coming from even if we are not making sense. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again; there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you all.  I may not always respond to the comments, but I read them and you are all in my heart and my prayers.

An email friend sent this to me.  I believe it's from The Compassionate Friends. I hope you take what is helpful to you from it.  I found most of it I could relate to.  Sadly, I guess I'm normal. 

To the Newly Bereaved
When your child has died, suddenly it seems like all meaning has been drained from your life. When you wake in the morning, it’s difficult to get out of bed, much less live a “normal” life. All that was right with the world now seems wrong and you’re wondering when, or if, you’ll ever feel better.

We’ve been there ourselves and understand some of the pain you are feeling right now.  We know that you are trying to find your way in a bewildering experience for which no one can truly be prepared.

When you’re newly bereaved, suddenly you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster where you have no idea what to expect next.  Here are thoughts on some of what you may be experiencing or feeling.

Psychological
a.. You're in shock from what has happened and a numbness surrounds you to help shield you from the pain. 
b.. You find yourself in denial. Your child cannot be dead. You expect to see your child walk through the door any moment. 
c.. You see your child in the faces of others walking down the street. 
d.. You wonder how someone can feel this much pain and survive. 
e.. Thoughts of suicide briefly enter your mind.  You tell yourself you want to die—and yet you want to live to take care of your family and honor your child's memory. 
f.. You want to know how the people around you can go about their day as if nothing has happened—don't they understand that your life—everything that meant anything to you—has just ended? Your purpose in life is gone. 
g.. You are no longer afraid of death as each day that passes puts you one day closer to being with your child. 
h.. Thoughts of "what ifs" enter your mind as you play out scenarios that you believe would have saved your child. 
i.. Your memory has suddenly become clouded.  You're shrouded in forgetfulness.  You'll be driving down the road and not know where you are or remember where you're going.  As you walk, you may find yourself involved in "little accidents" because you're in a haze. 
j.. You fear that you are going crazy. 
k.. You find there's a videotape that constantly plays in an endless loop in your mind, running through what happened. 
l.. You find your belief system is shaken and you try to sort out what this means to your faith. 
m.. Placing impossible deadlines on yourself, you go back to work, but find that your mind wanders and it's difficult to function efficiently or, some days, at all.  Others wonder when you'll be over "it," not understanding that you'll never be the same person you were before your child died—and the passage of time will not make you so. 
n.. You find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over again trying to understand what someone else has written.

Emotional
a.. You rail against the injustice of not being allowed the choice to die instead of your child. 
b.. You find yourself filled with anger, whether it be at your partner, a person you believe is responsible for your child's death, God, yourself, and even your child for dying. 
c.. You yearn to have five minutes, an hour, a day back with your child so you can tell your child of your love or thoughts left unsaid. 
d.. Guilt becomes a powerful companion as you blame yourself for the death of your child. Rationally you know that you were not to blame—you most certainly would have saved your child if you'd been given the chance. 
e.. You feel great sadness and depression as you wrestle with the idea that everything important to you has been taken from you.  Your future has been ruined and nothing can ever make it right.

Physical
a.. Either you can't sleep at all or you sleep all the time.  You feel physical exhaustion even when you have slept. 
b.. You no longer care about your health and taking care of yourself—it just doesn't seem that important anymore. 
c.. You're feeling anxiety and great discomfort—you're told they're panic attacks. 
d.. The tears come when you least expect them. 
e.. Your appetite is either gone or you find yourself overeating.

Family & Social
a.. If you have surviving children, you find yourself suddenly overprotective, not wanting to allow them out of your sight.  Yet you feel like a bad parent because it's so difficult to focus on their needs when you're hurting so bad yourself. 
b.. You find that your remaining family at home grieves the loss differently and you search for a common ground which seems difficult to find. 
c.. You've been told by well-meaning people, even professionals, that 70-80-90 percent of all couples divorce after their child dies.  You are relieved to find that new studies show a much lower divorce rate, from 12-16%, believed to be caused by the "shared experience" aspect of the situation. 
d.. Old friends seem to fade away as you learn they cannot comprehend the extent or length of your grief. 
e.. Things you liked to do which seemed so important before now seem meaningless. 
f.. Others say you'll someday find "closure," not understanding that closure never applies when it is the death of your child. 
g.. Fleeting thoughts of pleasurable activities bring about feelings of guilt.  If you child can't have fun, how can you do anything that brings you enjoyment? 
h.. New friends come into your life who understand some of your grief because they've been there themselves.

Blessings, peace, and love.  ˚♥* ✰。*xo˚ 

Comment by anne on March 14, 2012 at 3:30pm

Dear Adrianne, I too have 2 grown daughters and believe me they understand more than you think. You are not a burden to your girls. They need you more than ever. Just knowing your there broken or not comforts them. The mother daughter relationship is very complicated until they have children of their own. My youngest daughter has 2 young children. When my first son was killed she was only 10 and I tell you it was hell for a very long time between us. now she has children of her own and we are as close as can be. My older daughter was 14 and our relationship was also very strained. Shes 28 now and she has no kids but it doesnt matter because now that shes older she gets me. It took a long time for us to come together again but alot of that was due to outside interruption. When the dust settles daughters often bounce back.We have discussed it all and they said no matter what they will always need me in their lives. I have learned to never assume their feelings good or bad. Communication between mothers and daughters is and always will be important. After the boys died I thought my girls didnt love me anymore because of the greif I felt and still feel for the boys. I was so wrong. Once again I say never assume their feelings, and never doubt how much your needed by them. Nothing is ever the same after one of your children dies.I feel it's another part of this grief process that takes time to sort out. Be patitent with yourself and let them tell you how they feel. Your daughters need you and you need them now more than ever. I speak only from my experience and  if what I have gone through helps even a little it was worth telling. For me keeping a relationship with my daughters after everything that has happened has been tough I wont lie. Somedays I thought they would both be better off without me but I was wrong. Good or bad they need me and I need them. They've always needed me, I just didnt see it, but I do now, and I am so grateful for their love and even their anger. Keep writing on this site it really helps to think more clearly. Hugs to you.

Comment by Stephanie on March 14, 2012 at 9:01am

thank you karen, even in your own deep pain, you are able to give me comfort. you are so strong. thank you.  grace, i know what you mean, my Becky had CP and was also so much the centre needing so much care. in a way we are SO close to them, because they are particularly dependent on us. it was like i was one with her. i am so lost, so very very lost.  love to you all, i dont know what i would do without you. xxxx

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on March 14, 2012 at 8:15am

Sending Hugs to you all.  It's so hard this grief we are experiencing in so many different ways.  Spring is making it very hard for me.  A time of rebirth, if only.....

Comment by Grace on March 14, 2012 at 5:16am

Our Niles was the center of our family... because of his Autism... he needed continuos care and attention.  Our whole family rotated around that care... we worked like a team.  Now it seems like the Hub is gone and the spokes of our wheels are randomly moving in totally different directions.  My other 2 children had grown without me realizing it... they are adults. And even though we all still live in the same house... it seems more like a hotel...  life just seems to unravel... including the marriage that is only hanging on by a few threads.

 

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