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Comment by Dawn Brown on July 2, 2013 at 11:25pm

I am new here but I have been reading some of your posts for awhile now. It has made me realize that maybe I'm not going crazy after all. I lost my 32 year old daughter, Lisa, in October of 2012, to a sudden heart attack. I gave her CPR for 20 minutes before the EMT's got there, but it was too late. I lost my little girl. She left 4 children, ages 3, 8, 10, and 12. She died on her 8 year old daughter's birthday. Her ex has the older 3 and we adopted her youngest son. I have had so much anger and depression in the past 8 months, and instead of getting better, it seems to be getting worse. I'm not suicidal, but I also beg for God to take me, too. I was born with one kidney and had 5 miscarriages before I had Lisa. The doctors kept telling me to quit trying because I could never carry a baby to term, but I was determined and Lisa was my miracle. She was the only child I could ever have and she was everything to me. I feel like I'm just existing, not living. Reading your posts is comforting because it lets me know I am not alone. We each have our own horror stories of loss. I feel for each and every one of you.

Comment by Connie K on July 2, 2013 at 7:20pm

I feel like that too. In fact everyday I feel like there is the time I can give to others, do my work, then there has to be time to be alone so I can cry or scream if I want. In grief, it seems that you really need that time alone to have the release you need to have so you can make it through the rest of the day. It also makes me so tired all of the time. It's hard to keep the energy up that you need to be around others. Do whatever it is you feel you need to, to deal with all of these "strange combination of things". I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It is a hard road we walk.

Comment by Connie K on July 2, 2013 at 6:15pm

Marilyn - AMEN! My faith is stronger now for the same reasons as you stated. Faith is not about religion, just the belief that there is something greater than ourselves. Something we are a part of, that we came from and will return to. As life goes on we become so entrenched in the physical life that we often lose "sight" of that which we can't see. But we don't see love, we feel it. Energy just changes form, it never goes away. And I truly believe that our consciousness lives on. And these magical occurrences are gifts given to you by Spirit, to let you know that your Brandon is still around.  If our hearts stay open, we can feel it.

Now that's not to say I am not in profound pain almost all the time and this belief doesn't make it go away. It just gives me courage to continue this life and hope I make my son proud. And I am angry about so many things but all it does is make me feel worse and doesn't change anything. So I try to change from within. It's all we have control over. Peace to all of you.

Comment by Michelle H on July 2, 2013 at 1:55pm

Marilyn, I love hearing about the amazing experiences that others have that seem to be communications from loved ones who have passed. I started having them shortly after Chris' sudden death and found them to be comforting. I wasn't "looking" for them, nor did I even realize they were possible. I don't recall having any such experiences when my mother died 3 days before my 13th birthday or when my father died 3 years ago. I certainly welcome them now!

Comment by Grace on July 1, 2013 at 11:01am

Hi Marilyn and everyone here... I have been reading your comments...but many times I just read without response.   I am 4 plus years since Niles died.  I still miss him very much. 

When the kids were younger I was a Bible Study teacher at our Church..... starting with 3rd grade and the story of Abraham and Sarah and then on from there... One Year I taught another group where we covered the Christian Calendar of events...  My living son would love to go to church group...

But since the death of Niles we have all had a Faith Crisis... my son now says he is Atheist....  And I can not convince him to believe... as I too have such shaken Faith that God has taken my youngest son from me...  When I asked my living Son. "Didn't you pray for Niles?" and he said "Yeah, and what good did it do"....  

I guess the reason I am writing this is because to some the thought of God is a comfort.... to some they are still angry with God or may even doubt His Existence.... An I am one that is on the fence.... So sometimes when people talk about God... I am pessimistic and think they are trying to sell me Santa Clause for Adults.    OH MAN I bet some of you are Angry that I say these things....because your Faith has gotten you through this horrible time.... and maybe the "Mustard Seed of Faith" that I try to hold on to has for me... but it is ok to Be angry and doubtful... even Thomas was doubtful (Hence Doubting Tom)..... And (If) there truly is God... He/She will understand our despair....   And Marilyn... some religions would Poo- Poo your "Experiences" as False Prophets.... so maybe some of those folks you are talking to are afraid to acknowledge that these are spiritual "Signs" you are getting from you child or God...   Many religions believe in resurrection and not that we instantly ascend to heaven... like in the clouds or in the sky.  I remember an area in the Bible that talked about how we leave our bodies when we die.... (From one religion class I was teaching... unfortunately I forget in the Bible where it talks about us leaving our bodies at death like an Exhale of our last breath.... It would be interesting if someone can direct me to that area of the Bible...because I would like to read it again...It may have something to do with Why we have funerals.....not sure.

I guess my main point is that we all have various beliefs or maybe sometimes disbeliefs.... Whatever is your strength is what is right for you.... Or any of us. 

I agree that many people just do not know HOW to help us through this terrible time.... and they do not want to know our experience either.... who could blame them... we never wanted to be here either....

Comment by Teresa D. on July 1, 2013 at 9:02am

Marilyn I think some just don't know what to say, while others are afraid to be us. I looked for signs anywhere I can.  If your crazy then I'm crazy too.  Your son loves you so much that he wanted you to know he is still there and that he is now your light.

Comment by Teresa D. on June 30, 2013 at 1:04pm

Agreed, the music of Allison Krauss is beautiful!

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 30, 2013 at 6:39am

Thank you  Connie, Mary, Marilyn... its so beautiful.

Comment by Connie K on June 29, 2013 at 4:19pm

Marilyn, that's beautiful. I truly believe that spirit finds ways of letting us continue a relationship (in a different way) with our sweet departed children. They are still alive and happy with God, we just can't see them. So those little physical reminders are there to help us keep our faith that they ARE still with us when days become so sad and bleak. It's the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind. What a wonderful gift of a visit from your son. I am a singer and love, love, love Alison Krauss. I sing "Down in the River to Pray" seen her several times in concert and don't think I have heard of this song. I am going to look it up right now and learn it for my baby Daniel. Music is one way I stay connected and find release and some peace. Thank you for sharing and God bless you. Oh yeah - I think he already did by answering your request!

Comment by anne on June 28, 2013 at 5:42pm

I too still have those days. I don't think they ever really go away. They are less for me now, but those days sometimes can kick me to the wall.  When they hit I still get scared that they wont stop, but they always do until the next time. It's very hard getting to a place where those days come few and far between.

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