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Comment by Michelle H on July 16, 2013 at 9:17pm

I have trouble reconciling what I know as a Christian: that we were created ultimately to spend eternity with God, and what I feel as a mother: that a parent shouldn't outlive her children. We all know that death is inevitable, but we keep that knowledge as far from consciousness as we can. Losing a child had always been my biggest fear. I lost my mother when I was a child and that event paved the way for a belief that if I loved someone too much, then God would take them away from me, almost like a punishment. When I was raising my two kids, I lived with the constant fear that something bad would happen to one or both of them. Fortunately, my belief that God would jealously punish me for loving them changed over time. When the ultimate horror happened, I wasn't...surprisingly...angry at God. I don't understand why He didn't intervene and spare Chris, but I believe that one day I will. It's the not knowing now that is so hard. I found myself in bed last night telling God that I just don't know how to pray. It seems like so many of my prayers thus far in my life are for "favors," asking for help, etc., and thanking Him. I realized that I rarely just have a conversation with Him (which, admittedly, is hard when it feels like it's one-way!). I don't understand what all this means and I certainly don't understand why Chris had to die, especially so far from home, and why I didn't get to see him to say goodbye. I could drive myself totally crazy with all my questions. I want to trust and believe that my son is happy and that I will see him again. I couldn't handle believing otherwise.

Comment by Michelle H on July 16, 2013 at 11:56am

Io can sure relate to things described by other here. Some days I get so restless, but can't focus on doing anything productive. I bought a scrapbook shortly after Chris died and have a number of things to put in it, but I can't bring myself to do it. I have new photo frames to make of the family, but they sit on my dining room table with scattered pictures along with the scrapbook. I haven't been to the place I called my "sanctuary" to journal for a couple of months now. I don't understand all this. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I have to be my professional self (as a therapist), I do great. I function very well and you would never know of my recent loss. But then I'm exhausted the next day. This is quite a journey and I'd like to take a "vacation" from it.

Comment by Ammy on July 16, 2013 at 11:31am

I wish I could somehow find the correct words to let you all know that what you are feeling is normal.  I read your comments and it brings me back to those moments that were constantly with me in the beginning.  Maybe even into the second year.  I really can't tell as my memory from then is faulty.  I sometimes think about the first month and try to remember what went on.  I get bits and pieces at different times and I do remember that when friends came to our home I went through motions and talked with them, but would have no idea later what we talked about.  It's like being on auto-pilot.  I remember once going to make coffee for company and when I went to do it I blanked out and just started crying.  My husband came over and I told him I couldn't remember how to make the coffee.  It was terrifying at the time.

I say these things so that you don't think you are not having normal feelings.  We kind of lose our minds in this grief.  Maybe it's our body's way of helping us.  I don't know.  I still think of so many things and my mind goes 100 miles an hour, but it's not as often.  

Sometimes I have a fear that I will forget too many things about my son and that scares me.  I know when my daughter will be telling me something and she asks if I remember it - I don't, but I'm happy that she has told me.  

As for sleep, some sleep more to escape and some sleep less.  I rarely get a full night's sleep since losing our son.  I am happy if I get 6 hours, but they are hardly ever straight.  I always wake during the night.  In the first year there were many nights I stayed up all night and even the next night could not sleep more than a couple of hours.  We all can have the same symptoms as some others and we also can have different ones.  It is just our own way of getting through ... and you will get through.  One day at a time, but probably for the rest of our lives.

(((((BUNDLES OF HUGS TO YOU ALL)))))

Comment by Vasanthi S on July 16, 2013 at 11:09am

Mary, all are with you.It is hard. I see people who have lost loved ones long ago, still struggling and yet what surprises me is the inattention given to one who is bereaved recently!!!If not inattention, it is the focusing on themselves rather than the one who has lost?I had a friend who on hearing about my son went on to tell me how much she cried and how scared she was since she had a daughter!!!I mumbled something about testing times and an opportunity for growth( as I was in a stunned frame of mind then) she asked me if i was mad! needless to say i have not ever been in touch with her again.Its hard to be understood.. I can scarcely understand myself any more.But from the bottom of my heart i understand the struggles of all who are here and can only pray that somehow one finds peace.Today has also been a time I have again missed Shreyas totally. I have observed that when external things scare me or unnerve me , whatever it is, even something as small as dissonance about someones behavior i yearn for my son..he represents to me everything that is good and normal and kind and wise... he represents the joy in my life.. and that has been taken away.

Comment by Vasanthi S on July 16, 2013 at 9:13am

Yes Teresa, a lot of things frighten me too. I used to be very optimistic and am trying hard to somehow get unstuck but I know this will take a lot of working on.Just knowing that all here are also struggling and trying so hard gives me hope and I am trying to keep in mind that all that God does has to be fine and good. .

Comment by Teresa D. on July 16, 2013 at 8:22am

Vasanthi, I find myself feeling guilty when I catch myself enjoying a moment.  As soon as I realize I'm enjoying it I then realize my Michael is not here to enjoy it. 

I try really hard to remember the good times without crying but I haven't reached that place yet. 

 

I too feel very stuck.  It's like the world is going on without me.  I'm functioning everyday but I'm not living.  The last 10 months feel like a blur.  It feels as though no time has passed at all. 

 

I pray everyday asking Michael and God to help me find my way cause right now I am very lost and scared. 

 

 

Comment by Teresa D. on July 16, 2013 at 8:10am

Mary maybe he did already.  Maybe it was him that led you there. 

 

Comment by Michelle H on July 15, 2013 at 5:52pm

Mary, it's frustrating, isn't it, to be forgetful or feel disconnected from life? I feel so "spacy" at times, and I used to be a pretty coherent person. Our whole world has been rocked; I guess it's "normal" to be disoriented...

Comment by Michelle H on July 15, 2013 at 11:01am

I know, Vasanthi. It is hard to know how to be OK or even know what OK means.

Comment by Vasanthi S on July 15, 2013 at 10:58am

Michelle thanks..just knowing that you all are there helps but dont know how to be ok:(

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