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Comment by Jane P on October 22, 2013 at 7:01pm

My panic attacks take me to my knees. I have to grip onto whatever is close. I try to make it to the bathroom so I can cry in the sink. I cling to the counter top as the waves of pain go through my body from the toes up, wave after wave, I can't breathe, I just howl and hold on until it passes.

I believe they are part of the grieving process.

I believe the pain that we endure is directly linked to the love we have for our child.

I believe we will see our children again.

But when you talk about "hope", I don't know what I am supposed to hope for.

 

Comment by Jane P on October 22, 2013 at 6:47pm

Anne

That was beautiful.

I appreciate your sharing.

It's nice to see you have come so far, I am happy for you.

Comment by Lynn Williams on October 22, 2013 at 6:35pm

Thank you Anne. We need our friends to help us when we are lost and need their hugs and support. I too have been on an anti-depressant for many years because of early trauma. I have had two episodes of major depression. I realize I will always need them.

Comment by anne on October 22, 2013 at 6:15pm

Panic attacks. They are physical as well as mental. When you lose a child it is the ultimate loss. The grief causes panic, fear, and physical illness. It's good to go see your physician maybe they can direct you to someone who can help with all. Ignoring it as I have found makes it worse when it comes back. There are a lot of medications out there to help. The only problem is you have to try a few to figure out what works best for you. I have been taking Prozac since I was 28 because I suffer with depression due to a very traumatic childhood, and losing my child made it worse. I was grateful to be on it when my second child passed away because it kept me from going to far down. There are many different ways to cope with grief. The hard part is finding someone to teach these skills to you. I am living proof that these skills work, but you have to be ready to learn them. In the beginning everything is difficult. Nothing is right, and everyone has to figure out what works for them. The thing is, when you just had a child die your thoughts, and every thing you knew, and felt gets all jumbled up. That's what makes it so difficult to get a grip. I have said before that time is our only alli. You will take 1 step forward, and 2 steps back. That's the truth of it. Some people grieve faster than others. For some it takes a long time. You never know until it happens to you. It took me 9 years for me to get to the point were I could finally take a breath without feeling sad, or feel like my world has come to an end. I felt like it had to be my fault that he died because I felt like I was serving a life sentence. Somedays I still feel like that. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be "ok" with either one of my boys dying. So I had to find a way to live with it. The first thing I did was get rid of the why's. The why's will never be answered. The why mes turned into why does anyone have to deal with this kind of death. I have never found an answer to either question. What I did find was strength, and courage to tell myself that i'm not the only one who is suffering. I found faith. Faith that somewhere up above there's a God who cries when I cry. He hurts when I hurt, and he knows my pain, and sorrow. I thought to myself,gee why me, heck, why the son of God? The whys finally went away, and made room for the memories, memories that even death can't take away from me. I still have fear, panic attacks, and the desperate need to hold my sons. That part never goes away, but over time I have found comfort in my faith. I have found a way to live without being in so much pain every day. This is my truth. Everyone's truth is different. It's something that each one of us has to find on our own. The only advice I know is to be patient with yourselves. Talk to your Dr. and most of all look for comfort in those who are willing, and able to give it to you. Peace, and love to all.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 22, 2013 at 5:07pm

Dolly I agree with Vasanthi, you need to go to the doctors.  Not to scare you but it may be more than a panic attack.  

Comment by Judy Edwards on October 22, 2013 at 3:13pm

I understand were u coming from Easter next year will be tough. My last holiday with my son. All our birthdays start oct 29 then I've got to some how get thru the first holidays with out Matthew my son then he would of been
33 on December the 3rd. So I to share in our loses. I think u must be really grieving if it was 7 months for u yesterday. I'm so sorry for ur pain. My be here soon again.. I'll say a prayer for u tonight. I know my words don't help but I won't u to know as a new member I too feel the lose and greivef
Of losing my baby. U lucky I can't dream about my son yet and I truly.
Wish I could. I'd love seeing him again If only in my dreams. May that day come hugs judy

Comment by Michelle H on October 22, 2013 at 2:54pm

I understand that so many of us suffer from anxiety/panic attacks. I've had them since I was 26, they started right after my daughter was born. I've taken medication for many years which helps to some extent. But recently, I've been getting "extra" anxiety attacks every afternoon. I'm trying to deal with them without taking extra medication, but they sure are unpleasant. I've been dreaming about Chris almost every night. Sometimes he has come back to life in them. I guess what I don't deal with very well during the day, comes out at night. I, too, have read just about everything I can get my hands on regarding life after death, after death communications, etc. It was 7 months yesterday and I don't think it's getting any better. I am dreading Nov. 22 because that was the date of Thanksgiving last year and was the last time I saw my son. So I'm dreading that date AND Thanksgiving, even though it's on a different date this year. I know I still have much to be thankful for, so it's not that; it's that reality that a year will have passed since I saw my son. And I can't really even comprehend that he's dead. Sorry, but I sometimes have to use the "d" word in order to get my brain to start assimilating the reality. Not that I want to, really, but I can't escape it. Prayers and hugs to all.

Comment by Judy Edwards on October 22, 2013 at 2:03pm

I too suffer from panic attacks. They r horrible they can paralyze u. I know they do me. Yesterday for my birthday
We went and I was gifted with charms
On my pandra bracelet we put my son charm on it his birtstone I started crying and b4 I left the store I had both sale woman crying right along with me. The 1st of Nov. will be my son 6 month of losing Matthew. It seem to me the pain is getting worse than better. B4 I lost my son I guess I never notice, but it seem every time I turn the t.v.. Radio are pickup. A newspaper someone has lost a child. We went to c the n new movie the one were the astronauts gety trap in space. There it was again.
If u just lost a child I don't recommend
This movie i left with a knot in my stomach. I feel lost I don't know whom I am anymore so to u all hugs. I'll be needed u around the first. The worst part of my life now. Judy E.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 22, 2013 at 2:03am

Dolly
The panic attacks you describe are horrific. I had them badly and was hospitalized for them. They eventually went away. I take lexapro which doesn't make me gain weight. My doctor says its usually the best for women. Panic attacks can really take you out so get help as soon as possible.

Comment by Lynn Williams on October 21, 2013 at 9:07pm

Dolly I just got a book on my kindle by jon Kabat-Zinn, called Full catastrophe living; the wisdom of using your body to face stress illness and pain. It talks about panic and anxiety and how we can use breathing and mindfulness to calm ourselves.

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