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Comment by Michelle H on March 10, 2014 at 4:39pm

Jane, your suggestion is a very good one. I need to be there with my son, away from the hubbub of the ceremony (I have no idea what that entails) and people I don't really want to see. My husband and I can go back there together (he's not Chris' dad) and spend some private time. I dread that day so much.

Comment by Jane P on March 10, 2014 at 4:32pm

Oh Michelle

My heart hears your heart.

After the dedication, try to go there again, alone. Talk to Chris.

I visit Danielle's "place" every Sunday. I talk to her.

We both know they're not really there. But it's still their "place".

Comment by Michelle H on March 9, 2014 at 8:49pm

I'm humbled by the amazing wisdom expressed by all here, the "communion" of moms and dads who have endured the unthinkable loss of a precious child. In my own journey, I am moving from numbness into being forced into awareness again. My daughter-in-law's family is having a "dedication" of Chris' headstone marker on April 6th (he wasn't Jewish, but his wife is), and that means having to go downstate to the cemetery and actually see my son's name written on a tombstone. Since I never got to see him after he passed, maybe THIS will be the beginning of the reality for me. All I know is that my feelings are awakening and I'm not sure I like it one bit.

Comment by Connie K on March 9, 2014 at 4:27pm

L Rauk, I like your description of a "grief storm". That's the perfect description of those overwhelming times when you feel like you are right in the middle of a frightening and powerful storm of emotions, etc. and will never get out. But I keep hope that there will be a double rainbow at the end of this one. Hugs to all

Comment by Jesse's Mom on March 8, 2014 at 3:10pm

Thanks Connie, Ammy and Theresa for the response. I have been reading some of the posts and glean what I can from them. It is a hard journey full of all sorts of twists and turns. Grief storms triggered by the unexpected. People who "know" where you should be at. Or those who want you to fit a mold they have created, maybe not on purpose but it is felt. I think the worse is some cannot handle the questioning of what your core beliefs are and feel it necessary to direct you...there is no script for this life, and I am stripped away to my core...

Comment by Connie K on March 8, 2014 at 1:02pm

I love you too Vasanthi and you always make sense. Thanks for your post. It is so true that the lessons are for each person individually but the grief we feel is common.

You will always be a mother because that is an experience that is your own as well. It is just so hard to reconcile those feelings of helplessness.

I guess total faith means knowing that we are not in control and surrendering to the hope that we will be together again. And in fact, in spirit, we are never apart. I am so sorry for all the pain everyone has to suffer. I hope you all have a peaceful weekend.

Comment by Teresa D. on March 8, 2014 at 7:58am

Vasanthi you do make sense and gave me something to think about today.

Stage 4 - I think

Comment by Vasanthi S on March 7, 2014 at 7:21pm

read something today that reflected 'moving on'... “If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future.”
Eckhart Tolle

something that made me pause and think.. cos it is certainly a road to hell without acceptance.. for ourselves and the people we are with can be dragged into our personal loss..I know that we here do not expect others to feel the importance of whats happened but only need empathy, and I personally try not to impose my feelings of the love I have and expect anyone else to feel the same but many I know want their loss and what they have learnt to be important ...how can it be? because every lesson is for oneself alone.... whatever lessons we learn are for us alone.. tailor-made for our highest good thats how I think God works.. 

I have felt the implied comparison ofm losing a child and losing any other person being talked of in the same way and it makes me seethe with rage... nothing compares to the loss of a child and that is a statement of fact, not some illusory romanticized notion... I feel this is important not to prove how dear a child is but the helplessness of being a kind of co-creator and then having no control to protect and nurture tear at all the role a mother has... no child means no more a mother!.. ?I have rambled as I am just very very unhappy.. if it doesn't make sense please don't waste time thinking about this:) just know that I love u all dearly..my fellow companions in this journey of great tragedy.

Comment by Connie K on March 7, 2014 at 6:07pm

Stage 4. Check.

Comment by Jane P on March 7, 2014 at 5:26pm

Grief Stage 4 of 7

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

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