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Comment by Connie K on March 18, 2014 at 9:09pm

L - you are right  - it is emotionally and physically exhausting - that's why it is so hard to imagine doing it for the rest of our lives. So I just take it day by day. It's funny after talking about singing again on here, today I got offered a gig for a wonderful community affair with plenty of time to get ready for.

I almost turned it down and told myself I'm not ready. And the truth is - I'm not. But I'm going to do it for my son anyway and try to find the strength. Love and prayers to everyone

Comment by anne on March 18, 2014 at 6:44pm

I don't believe for a second that God takes our children as punishment for sin. As a matter of fact, I don't believe God had anything to do with the deaths of my children. However I do know that faith, and trust in God is why I am still here. I tried to live without both, and I lived in darkness for a long time. The guilt consumed me like the flames that killed my little boy. As a last resort I turned to God. I had nothing left, so I went to the one I had cursed, screamed at, and blamed, God. When all gave up on me, and I gave up on myself, God waited for me. I know because I'm still here. The guilt is almost nonexistent, and the pain most days is tolerable. I feel things I thought I'd never feel again. So go ahead and yell all you want at God. He knows our pain. Were not the first to be angry with Him, and we won't be the last. After all I think God loves us enough to allow us to let it all hang out!  Peace and Love!

Comment by Connie K on March 18, 2014 at 4:55pm

Oh Dolly, your words just broke my heart. You are SUCH a good person. Your only crime is that your human. It's okay to say things like that, scream at God, get mad at "him". Because you are from the source, he knows who you are and what you feel. And it's okay, because just like with our own children, it doesn't matter how they act one day or what they might have said that was painful,  unacceptable, etc, we still love them, forgive them, just always love love love them. When you cried out for God to heal or take Brandon it's because you just wanted your child to be okay, free from pain. That doesn't make you a bad person and you did not cause his passing . And I truly do not believe in a vengeful God. When situations are so difficult for a long time, it is only normal and human to want it to stop. Daniel's medical situation was often bleak, he was in constant pain and it seemed to be breaking his spirit. He lashed out at us. He threatened suicide and made a couple of half hearted "attempts". It made me crazy and sad and like a failure. I felt lost and I couldn't believe things just kept getting worse and worse and there were many times I said things I regret and feel guilty about. I struggle with the things that I should have done that would have put him somewhere else than in that car that night. After all that, he dies needlessly in a car accident just when things were getting better?!!! If I had just made him stay home, would he still be here? But then I wonder that if were really his time then maybe it would have happened whereever he was. I don't know - I just know that I don't have the answers and never will. I just know that my own experience and thoughts and feelings were not the only forces at work.  These are things that are OUR lessons to learn so we can grow and react differently if ever faced with the same situation. I don't think we have the power to bring about God's will even though it may feel like a punishment for something we've done. Believe me I know how you feel. I still battle it but I have finally accepted that I can't blame myself for this horrific loss because it will only bring me farther into the deep hole and farther from the light. I have to believe that God forgives our words and our anger and understands our sorrow - so go for it, get it out. He will always be there for you as will Brandon.

Please know that your heart and soul are beautiful. The way you have lived and given service to others and all the things you do and say to others here, prove it. Thank you for all you have done for me.

Comment by Davi Burford on March 18, 2014 at 3:46pm

L and Connie I am reading your words as if I was writing them myself. I have so much guilt for moving on with our "new normal" that every morning on the way to work I just break down and tell Dylan how much I miss him. It has been 3 months and 2 weeks since he left us and so far it just gets harder everyday, when I think about his future that we will never share he was only 16, he still had so much ( I cry now as I type) sending hugs your way. 

Comment by L on March 18, 2014 at 3:03pm

Dear Lynn,  You asked me to tell my daughters story.  I have to say that your daughters story is sad.  I am so sorry for your pain.  I tell people that the hole in my heart will be there forever.  My daughters name is Maura. 37 - married 7 years - wonderful husband - awesome 4 year old.  AND there is the shining light in all of this.  Her daughter is her mother.  Maura was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and held her own until labor day.  It was very difficult .... I truly thought that I was going to help her get better with prayer.  I just wanted a miracle. Until the week before she died - I thought that it could be a possibility.  The void is heart wrenching.... but I do not need to tell anyone on the wall how hard it is.  I guess that I am feeling a little bit good with the safety in numbers.... like we can help each other.  As Connie brought up the guilt of moving on in life is hard too.  Again there is safety in numbers.  Best to you....

Comment by L on March 18, 2014 at 2:29pm

Dear Connie,  you hit another nail on the head for me.  "battling the guilt of trying to embrace life again".  It is emotionally and physically exhausting.  I know we have to make the effort.  BUT then there is that guilt thing.  

It sounds like you have a talent.  Maybe if you use the gift of song to bridge the emptiness it will give you the open door to peace.  It is so comforting to know that we are all on this path together.  Safety in numbers.  

I have found in my own family that when one of us is having a really hard day - the rest of us are there to be supportive.  It does help.  I just know that we have to talk about it .... not in a morbid way, just how we feel.  Little things trigger the moments.  Sentimental things.  We just remind each other that THANK God we have these memories. Hope something with song comes along.  Best..... 

Comment by Connie K on March 18, 2014 at 11:08am

Yes L I was thinking of the "new normal" yesterday. A couple of opportunities have been put in my path and I have been praying and praying for some type of guidance as to where to go in my life now. Because he was my only child and had health issues so I stayed home as his caretaker.  I have put my career on hold these 18 years and now I don't want to go back to what I did before. Except sing - I never stopped singing til he died. I am trying to find my voice again.

But then it is so hard to  keep going, living my new life without my precious son (he would have been 19 on March 31) and feeling good about it. I battle the guilt of trying to embrace life again and just don't have my mojo back that's for sure. Even though I know that's what he wants for me. I'm not the same. I'll never feel "normal" again. Having to get used to my son in is new form is also hard but I am so grateful that I feel him with me. And to have had him in my life. Sending love and prayers to all.

Comment by L on March 18, 2014 at 8:36am

I am new..... I am so touched by those that have reached out to me. The messages that I have read make me feel that I am not alone and not crazy.  It has been 4 months since my daughter passed.  To you Lynn - I so relate to the "keeping busy".  Sometimes it helps and then....hmmmm ....but now I know that I can vent and hopefully listen as someone else needs an ear.  To Connie K and Jane P and Michelle H - it is a honor to meet you and I am grateful.  It is nice to know that there is a shoulder and comfort and support.  Michelle - your comment to my "normal" description ....about how we were all normal until we lost our gift from God.  I have another daughter - a teacher - that is teaching me everyday how to cope.  Her mantra right now is that - We are living in the NEW normal. We all miss this person that was a source of life - but we have each other. I am sorry for all of your losses. You are in my thoughts... my best for a lovely day ! 

Comment by Jane P on March 17, 2014 at 5:48pm

Thank you Connie.

Comment by Lynn Williams on March 17, 2014 at 5:08pm

Good news on your blood test results Dolly. I don't think we will
Ever feel like we did before our children died. Today it was seven months ago since I saw my daughter alive. I kept myself busy all day going to the gym and doing a craft project with three friends. I just finished a book called the afterlife of Billy Fingers . It was a true story written by a woman who lost her brother. It was a view of heaven. It is still so cold here in Vermont with lots of snow and ice. The sugar makers have not been able to collect maple sap once yet. Our maple season is usually finishing up by now. I will light a candle for Kyra tonight and look at some picture albums if I can. I have no sense of time anymore especially with retiring last June. I lose track of the days. Just want to feel the warm sun hitting my face and my hands in the dirt. Will spring ever come again. Hugs to all.

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