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Comment by Jill E on February 18, 2015 at 7:18pm

I just can't blame my baby for what happened. I know I am suppose to but it is so hard. He had to have started drinking when he was very young but why? Where ? How? He lived at home until he was over 18, he was always a good worker and always had a good job. Had opportunities to go to college but he made such good money at his age he didn't want to go...when did his drinking start??? I don't know??? I should have known...

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 18, 2015 at 5:17pm

Maureen, you have to be honest, I have never said to my ex's face that I think he played a big role in this because I think he has his own guilt do deal with and he found Randy, which I wouldn't wish on anybody, but like I said, the way he just let him run around and do anything and never even check his room or make him accountable for anything was just beyond me. I still blame him and it's ok for us to say anything on here, we have to and we can be completely honest.  I should have been stronger and should have done more, but when I felt so helpless with NO help from the dad, I didn't know what to do, call the police and have Randy arrested? I don't know...I struggle with these thoughts all the time but nothing can be changed now and the only person these thoughts hurt is me.  I totally relate to what you are saying though... big hugs and I'm sure you'll be a good mom and a good grandmother...

Comment by Maureen on February 18, 2015 at 5:04pm

Jill, I know you're right about putting the blame on my son. It's just hard because his addiction started when he was a young teenager, while at his fathers house. I keep thinking the poor boy didn't have a chance. His dad's role was to encourage it, like Sandy said, he just thought it was a natural part of growing up to experiment.
Having said all that, I am worried about my ability to raise another son. I have a 3 year old and he doesn't deserve to have a mother so full of anger and resentment. I also have an 18 year old daughter struggling with the loss of her brother. She also became a mom this past year. Is this going to affect her ability to be a good mom for her son. I want to be there for her and be able to offer her advice and help her. She's so young and has so much to deal with. So I try and will continue to try everyday to not be so angry. But once in a while, actually if I'm truly honest, maybe half of the time I have these days where I just have to vent about all this anger and hatred.

Comment by Maureen on February 18, 2015 at 4:49pm

Thank you for that Sandy. I sometimes feel like this anger will eat me alive. I got to be the "bad guy" always trying to save my sons life. While he got to be his buddy....slowly turning my son against me and I hate to say it but I have to be honest with my feelings or it will kill me, but slowly helping our son die. I feel like a terrible person.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 18, 2015 at 4:11pm

Hey Maureen, I'm so sorry, that's a bunch of BS, I have a lot of issues with my ex and his role.  We sold our house last April, even though we had been split up for 9 years and I knew my son had been using bad drugs and his dad kept saying - kids experiment - it would make me so damn mad I couldn't stand it! So in April (after Randy got out of rehab for heroin, coke, weed, etc) he went with his dad and my daughter came with me.  His dad didn't make him go to meetings, didn't make him have a curfew, Randy could come and go as he pleased.  He paid his cell phone, gave him spending money and whenever I asked if he was using again, he would say - I don't think so, I even asked him the friggin night before he found Ran.  I have a lot of blame, I know Randy was responsible for his own actions but.... that morning his dad said - I should have been more strict....REALLY!!!!!! OMG What a jerk.  I'm with you - I keep asking why and what if, and why didn't I do something?

Comment by Jill E on February 18, 2015 at 3:01pm

Oh Maureen, words just cannot express how much I am feeling for you right now. I understand how feelings can be so mixed up and confused. Your mind bounces around every which way. As if we as parents don't have enough to deal with the tremendous sense of grief we also have all these other factors running through our minds. It is so hard to even think straight. I keep trying to put the blame on my son because that is what everyone one tells me and my logical part of my brain says that because he made the choice. As a mother I am looking everywhere else I can think of to put the blame on someone or something else. My son could never make the choice regarding something that would take him away from me. Then I try to look at it as a disease. I was raised by functioning alcoholic's and he knew that and I reminded him about it. So then it was my fault because it was a gene that was passed down. I keep looking for answers where there are none to be found.

Comment by Maureen on February 18, 2015 at 2:43pm

About forgiveness....I want to one day find myself in a place of forgiveness. I blame myself, but mostly my son's father. Even if I put aside all the awefullness that he put my children through when they were kids and after we separated, in the end he enabled my son. I would talk to him and try to reason with him and he would do things like give him money or pay off his drug dealers. I keep telling myself that he must feel terrible now and for a moment I can sympathize with him, but then I just get so angry. I went to counselling and learned about his addiction and he refused to listen to any advice I might have. He would call me upset anout Caleb stealing from him or getting into trouble with the law and the next day, he's giving Caleb's drug dealer $500. What the hell?!
I'm having a very rough day. I still haven't seen the medical examiners report because it takes months for the toxicology report apparently, so it was assumed by all that an overdose killed him because of how he was found and all the drugs that were found with him, but there were also marks on his neck which matched his belt. I'm going crazy. I just want to know for sure. I'm all over the place today.

Comment by Dolly on February 18, 2015 at 11:58am

I can't speak for your daughter-in-law but with my cousin ... his wife finally left him to get him to quit... which he did for awhile.. maybe he had still been on the wagon when he crashed his car.. maybe after all the effort it took him to quit drinking he fell asleep and crashed anyway... its so sad and so hard to understand but I know my cousin's wife loved him and did her best to get him to stop drinking .. and he STILL died.. so I just don't know what we can do any of us to stop these things from happening... but I know its tempting to look for things that might have changed things... I do it all the time.. and it never really helps though.. I just end up being mad or sad or both...

Comment by Jill E on February 18, 2015 at 11:42am

Thank you once again Connie. I am working on forgiving her but it is so tough. I don't know if Josh would have taken help, you know he would have fought it tooth and nail if he did it at all. He was so proud and stubborn. He had so many friends that would have helped him but that would have shown weakness. I just wish so badly I could have had a chance to try. You know a mom is supposed to be able to fix things. I would not have been in total shock that day in the emergency room. So many questions, no answers. Riddled by guilt, I saw some clues as i look back but was brushed off or since I had no idea I never connected the things to any real problem. I hope to forgive her. My son loved her and that what I have to remember that. He used to always be worried he would lose her. He never mentioned that it was him that Sarah and I would lose.

Comment by Connie K on February 18, 2015 at 11:16am

Jill - I am so sorry for you and your daughter-in-law. If she is an alcoholic as well, imagine the guilt and shame she is feeling. But also, she was in a co-dependent relationship and sometimes the people are so used to the codependency they just cannot break out of it or see the seriousness of it. Can you suggest that she gets counseling? My dad died of alcoholism and we watched him over years slowly kill himself. We could not force him into treatment and my mom was not going to leave him (for many reasons). She did once when I was young because he was very violent when he drank and he had cheated on her. But they got back together and frankly her fear and all us kids fear was that he would get crazy drunk if she left him and kill her and who knows who else. He was a licensed gun dealer and we had a bunch of loaded guns in the house. So more most of our lives we walked on egg shells and witnessed horrible abuse - verbally mentally physically. It's a weird situation that people tolerate because they love the other and believe them when they say they are sorry and will change. My mom certainly WAS NOT an alcoholic. In fact I have seen her take a drink maybe 3 times in my life. She didn't drink because she saw what it does to people and she had also seen it in her dad. She did the best she could with the skills that she had but never the courage to take us and get the hell out. Back then, you didn't have intervention nor was it such a publicly discussed issue, It was shameful, morally weak, not a disease. And she didn't have the financial freedom as well. Maintain the facade that everything's okay no matter what! They are really good at that. I bet your daughter-in-law really needs professional help to sort it all out.  I know you are angry at her for not helping him and I really understand that but in the end, your son was responsible for the choices he made. This is something I am having to accept as well because my son made choices that were self destructive as well even though that is not how he passed. I often feel that if he hadn't made those choices that he wouldn't have been in that car at that time or if I had said no you can't go tonight, maybe things would have be different, or maybe they wouldn't. But we can't go back now and change it. The best thing for OURSELVES is to forgive . Not for their sake, but for yours. I have to forgive the guy driving who caused the accident. Arrogant, grossly negligent. Damn some days I hate him so much, some days I feel sorry for him if you can believe that. But I cannot harbor that hate in my heart and soul because it will only hurt me not him. I hope you can find it in your heart to start to forgive her and that she can get some help.

My heart is with you as you go through these very difficult months. Love and prayers.

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