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Comment by Connie K on June 10, 2015 at 10:45am

Teresa you are so right. What our children have taught us, is that life is precious and fleeting. Altho it is so hard to give when we are so broken, I believe the giving and receiving of love is the only thing that will get us through this. I am sorry your mother is not able to give that to you right now. Most of my family never mention my son.

Ammy, thank you for your encouragement. Even if you don't have a hobby, going away for a couple of days to read and relax would be good for you.  Those 2 grandchildren of yours are your greatest creation and because you are there for them it is probably harder to have time to let your true feelings out and take some time for yourself. I will be thinking of you and your family this Sunday. I know how hard those days are.

Hugs to everyone today. It is amazing to me how time passes like this

Comment by Teresa D. on June 10, 2015 at 6:38am

Connie I know you will finish writing that song.

Life before we lost our children is not coming back.  We make changes and create new things.  Holidays and everything else in time will begin to take a new shape.  We will always mourn our children and everything else in life we lost when we lost them. 

I want to share this with people.  in 2008 I lost my father very quickly to cancer.  He was diagnosed in May and we buried him in August.

My parents were married for 51 years when he passed.  My mother totally shut down that day.  To this day she is still shut down.  I lost my Michael in 2012 and to date my mother has not been able to offer me any comfort because she is so lost in her own grief.

She has emotionally shut down on us.  I have never needed her more in my life than now, but I came to accept she is not capable.

Why do I share this because I want people to realize no matter how hard this is on us we can't forget about those who are still alive and still in our lives. 

Look I know this hurts.  I am still crying everyday.  But I also know I can't allow myself to shut down like my mother. I need that hug from her just like my daughter needs that hug from me.

Comment by Sharon on June 9, 2015 at 9:25pm

I feel like I'm always on the edge of losing it too. How can anyone survive this awful nightmare? I want my old life and self back...

Comment by Rj on June 9, 2015 at 7:20pm

Seems like a lifetime ago since i heard the word "mom"...knowing i will never hear it again drives me to the edge of insanity most days.

Comment by Rj on June 9, 2015 at 7:11pm

I have had a couple of people tell me i need to be careful about drinking with the medication i am on, they say oh it will make you more depressed. There is nothing that i do that can possibly depress me more than i am. I stood out in my back yard the other night during a bad lightening storm holding a metal umbrella...seriously i can not feel worse

Comment by Rj on June 9, 2015 at 6:49pm

It will take me 5 minutes to pack connie! I have aleays wanted to do something like that. Proud of you...we are all suffering to some degree but at least we are trying. As for me, i have just been so irritable, cant stand myself. I Hate being mean thats why i am just staying away from people as much as i can. I did attend a group session last night. It was helpful, i like the groups better than one on one. I may purchase a punching bag and hang it in my basement and go at it!

Comment by Ammy on June 9, 2015 at 12:10pm

Thank you Connie and Laurie.  I appreciate your responses.  So far today I'm doing okay and taking it with gratitude.  It's still minute by minute this week.
Connie I don't have any hobbies and I don't do much except keep up with the house and my 2 youngest grandchildren.  I believe I'm older than most on here except for one other mom and I've been here pretty long.  I am happy that you decided to do the retreat and I have confidence that you will complete that song.  I wish you the best.
Laurie, thanks for the link.  I will check it out, but I think I have read some of her articles.  I wish you kinder, gentler days.
Thanks again and I do wish everyone those kinder, gentler days.  They do help keep us going.  {{{Hugs}}} 

Comment by Connie K on June 8, 2015 at 5:54pm

Thanks for the link Laurie. I have still not found a local counselor who has lost a child. I really feel that would be the only on who could help.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on June 8, 2015 at 5:46pm

Ammy, it has been 31 months for me since my son, Jesse transitioned. There were times, a lot of times, where I just needed to be by myself because I felt like I was literally going to explode from the grief...I live in the country so I could yell all I want without the neighbors calling in...

I agree with Connie, there is no "time" here. Only what was, and what is now. My days are divided mostly by the light of day, and the dark of night....following a calendar is almost impossible.

I am putting a link in this post to Carol Kearns who is a grief counselor. Before that, she was just a mom who lost her daughter. She was trained as a counselor under Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and I have found her writings to be somewhat helpful. Hugs.

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html

Comment by Connie K on June 8, 2015 at 5:08pm

Ammy - our subconscious mind is not linear. There is no "time" there. I find that when the really traumatic memories rise to the surface (often after talking a lot about it), it simply doesn't matter how much time has passed. We do learn to manage the pain better with time but sometimes, the pain wins for a while. I will go a month sometimes and feel like I am doing ok then trip and fall and can't see anything in the darkness until I deal with those awful emotions again. Since I am still not working full time, I have a lot of time at home and need some distraction and think it's really good to plan some time away. Altho I really don't ever WANT to do anything - I also don't want to stay here all the time. We have found that even little day jaunts, helps. We are fortunate to live in So Cal where a hour or 2 can get you to the beach, the mountains or the dessert. A change of scenery is good. We have tried to go to places we have never been before. Partially because it hurts so much to go to places we always were with our son.

Right now I am also in a downward spiral and am having a very hard time getting back into a healthier routine. I know that will help me feel better if I can just exercise regularly again.  So recently, I have made a huge leap of faith and signed up for a retreat that's in two weeks up near the Sequoias. I am super anxious, scared and it will take a great deal of energy just to put myself in this situation. It is a song writing retreat. I started a song for my son a few months after he passed and never finished it. Lately it keeps coming into my mind, over and over. I hear messages to finish the song. then i saw this retreat. They will also be doing yoga everyday, all the music classes, hiking, art classes and hot springs into a large pool. Or you can just use the time to BE. I need that so much. I feel such a heavy load of trying to keep up with all the little "normal" things we have to do to get through the day and act normal for my husband and friends. I need time to focus and sort feelings out like what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of my life! I feel guilty for leaving for a whole week and leaving my husband on Father's Day but the message was so strong I finally said OKAY! My husband is cool with it. I only hope it helps get me out of my deep depression and I will come home with a completed and recorded song for my sweet boy. That is all that matters to me right now. I believe he will be there helping me with every note. I believe spirit has called me to do this. Dear Lord, I have to camp for a week! I'm not a camper. I am praying for some relief of this constant sorrow....I feel I connect with my son through music. I need to find a way to love playing music again. Even that has been difficult for me.  But I proud of myself for finally stepping up and challenging myself to create something again in my life. I think we all need that - some creative expression through what ever it is that gives you some peace. I find gardening is a great way to meditate, create beauty and tire myself out also.

Hugs to you Ammy and everyone. (Screaming is helpful too - just go somewhere they won't call the police!! Screaming at the pounding ocean surf worked for me last time.)

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