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Comment by morgan on February 1, 2020 at 12:43pm

Linda & M Adams.....Very timely posts.  I came online to check and her you were.
Not more than an hour ago I had another major meltdown and it had been about 3-4 days ( I lose count) since my last one which was a feat and of itself.  At the time  today it was nothing in particular that triggered it, just an overall sense of knowing that I was about to have one.  During the breakdown I called the person who has been my best friend through all of this ( the person my husband asked to watch over me if something happened to him) because I decided he needed to know the ways he needed to gather up the loose ends when something happened to me. The way to get into my phone, where to find files for will etc.  This is the first time I have done this other than instructions to my eldest sister who may or may not be gone before me (just because of age) and besides she is way more business like and he would need to steer her towards some heart and soul.  I mention this because this time, this breakdown, was EXACTLY what the both of you are describing.  And while I was crying to him I realized I had just now reached a different point in my grief.  
In the beginning it was so horrible because he was gone.  Getting accustomed to that fact was grueling.  But now......now, I have come to a point where I ache because he has been gone for sooooo long.  Seven years have passed since he has been gone.  Seven fucking years.  As I worked and cried and endured in the beginning because he had "just left" me behind, now, now I realize I have been without him for seven long fucking years. Its not that I cant live without him anymore.  I have proven by existing and doing what I have done that I CAN do that part.  It has now come to a point where i don't want to.  I simply don't want to live any longer without him.  I realized that the length of time I have endured is coming to a close.  I cannot live without him.  Like you I have known he would not be walking through that door and for whatever reason I have endured that thought.  Now, I wont.  Its not that I cant. Its that I wont. 
Now, luckily this breakdown, and the prior two I have begun to have extreme pains in my chest.  Extreme......hurting pain right near my heart.  I don't know what that means.....I don't know if it an indication that my heart will simply no longer endure the stress of the crying but it is happening. Whether it continues to happen is anyones guess but my sincerest of hope is that this is the beginning of my own end.
They say people unconsciously get and give signals when their own death is approaching.  Sometimes not overt ones but looking back they were there.  I can hope my outreach to confer important information that my friend and sister about my will etc and where to find it all (which I had not disclosed before) is my unconscious approach to my own death. 
A woman can hope right?

Comment by M Adams on February 1, 2020 at 11:30am

So sorry you’re having this painful experience, Linda.  It’s such a strange, crazy feeling, I have it too, that constant expectancy that seems to be able to persist even though you also totally know that he won’t be coming through the door or telephoning.  Sometimes it goes away for a while and then it comes back, I don’t know if certain things in my life bring it on? Dreaming of the person at night, which has been happening to me lately — I wonder if that fosters the daytime feeling that he’s just around the corner.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 1, 2020 at 7:25am

I CAN'T SEEM TO WRAP MY MINE AROUND THE FACT THAT I WILL NEVER SEE MY HUSBAND AGAIN! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M WAITING FOR HIM TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR....I KNOW THAT HE'S GONE!. BUT TO NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN....IT JUST WON'T REGISTER.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 13, 2020 at 5:17am

Joe, I have seven tattoos one for each year Julian has been gone. It is my way of honoring him  People make fun of me saying I am too old (71) to have them. Glad to hear I am not the only one still honoring their spouse after death.

Comment by Joe Kelly on January 12, 2020 at 9:00am

Thank you Linda.  It's beautiful for you to had done that.  I have tattoo of our names in a heart.  I wear two sets of our wedding bands on both pinkys and ring fingers.  We're still married and always will be forever.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 12, 2020 at 8:05am

Joe, What a beautiful post. I have a tattoo on my shoulder of both our hands on our wedding day. I added my own words.

God be with you.

Comment by Joe Kelly on January 11, 2020 at 9:09am

Reliving two years ago.  Ten days till She took Her last exhaling breath in my arms.  She went knowing that we will be together forever and it can't come soon enough for me.

Till then:

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 6, 2020 at 7:10am

Just another year closer to death I pray.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 28, 2019 at 6:27am

Take Care Joe.

Comment by Joe Kelly on December 27, 2019 at 8:48am

Linda and Morgan,

I'm too paralyzed at the moment to post but I'm going to later as there are things in both of your posts that I constantly think about.

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