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Comment by Linda Engberg on October 22, 2019 at 5:49am

Dear Morgan, Joe, Michele,

Thank you so much for caring.

She is the love of my life.

I think I will go crazy when she passes.

Right now, it's like watching my Husband die.

Living right now is pure hell.

Linda

Comment by morgan on October 22, 2019 at 12:36am

OH Linda, I am SO sorry to hear of the imminent demise of Baby J.  I lost our kitty two years after my husband died so I can understand what you are feeling now.  Please know all our thoughts and prayers are with you in this time.  There is nothing that we can do but hope our own lives are shortened by the agonizing passing of time.  Sweet Baby J will always live in your heart......a

Comment by Joe Kelly on October 21, 2019 at 2:04pm

I'm very sad for you Linda.  I know from your sharing posts that she was a reason for you to go on.  Stay close.

Joe 

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 21, 2019 at 1:39pm

Hi Morgan,

My sweet dog Babie J is now on Hospice. She saved my life when I lost my Husband. 

When I lose her, that will make living in this crappy world worse.

All I can do is get up each day and hope for death.

Comment by morgan on October 20, 2019 at 10:21pm

I am very sorry Lou.  Sorrier than you can imagine because those of us who have lost a spouse and come here to write, feel the same way you do.  We are all at different phases of the deep sorrow that can ever happen to a person when we lose the one person we love more than anything but we all understand what you are feeling.  

I have been here on and off for six almost seven years.  Just a minute ago as I was standing at the kitchen sink I realized that my husband is gone.  That I will never see him again and the lack of his presence is a constant in my life no matter what I do to try and make it feel like I will be ok.  Because I am not ok. Oh, I function better now.  I have actually tricked myself into holding a social conversation periodically or can walk into a store and not sit on the floor and cry and it seems to others like there is nothing wrong with me.  But everything is wrong with me.  Nothing will ever be right with me because half of me is missing.  

I counted on my husband to be there for me.  He loved me so much.  And I loved him back with all my heart.  I knew him since second grade (55 years) and though we were only together for 35 of those years, it would never have been enough.  Never.

Now I manage to get through days by working like a madwoman so I distract myself from thinking about how it was before he died.  I am rewiring my brain with new circumstances that don't include him physically yet it doesn't really matter.  Because my brain always reverts to who I was before he died and my heart misses so much of who I was and what I enjoyed because I shared a life with the man of my dreams that it will never rewire.  I just fool myself as much as I can so I can get up on a daily basis and function.

I'm a fraud but until I expire I am imprisoned here to live this fake life where I am forced to pretend.  The closest people I know, understand I want to die.  They know I hate life.  I am not scared to die.  I want to go to the next place.  I am anxious for it to happen.  I have not been able to hasten the process by my own hand but I do try to starve myself and the stress of grieving has taken its own toll.  I can hope something will take me soon.  Until then, I suffer.  We all suffer.  It is the worst thing that can happen to us and we will never get over it.  At least I know I wont.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 10, 2019 at 2:53pm

Hi Joe,

I understand what you mean. 

There will never be anymore of what we did together,

IT IS FINISHED.

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 9, 2019 at 12:54pm

Comment by Joe Kelly on October 9, 2019 at 10:35am

Strike those vacations below, they'll never be another one.  Went on a memorial cruise with my daughter and family four months after she passed because she was so looking forward to it.  It hurt enough to know they'll be no more.

Comment by Joe Kelly on October 9, 2019 at 10:30am

Yes Elynn, the loneliness.  That's painful.  They're not here and always was.  Our best friend, lover, and most precious thing we had.  We were lucky enough to spend the last 8 1/2 years together, joined at the hip.  Went and did everything together.  We were never alone.  Now we are.  We had a few couple friends but they disappeared after she passed.  We are reminders to what could  and will someday happen to them.  Out of sight, out of mind so to speak.  There is no substitute for what we lost.  As Peter, Paul & Mary sang "For I know they'll never be another you".  So here we sit lonely.  Even when going to the store, the doctor, vacations, or anywhere (which we always did together) hurts without her being sitting next to me in the car.  Yes, the children work and the grands go to school.  They have lives.  All I have are great memories and loads of pics playing everyday.  I go to the cemetery every day just to be close to her body.  Walking from room to room at home is full of memories never to be repeated.  It's all just part of our loss and hurts.  Would had been 50 years married on December 3rd and close to 53 years together.  There's no do overs.  God, how I wish we could go back in time.  All we can do is hope that our time will come soon and we'll be reunited with them for eternity.  Till then we suffer.

 

Comment by Elynn m on October 9, 2019 at 12:21am

I've had a rough few weeks.   August 31st would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.   September 27 was year 4 of my husband's passing.   It's pretty lonely around here.  Its difficult to talk about, because i dont have close friends around me to talk to.  I don't like to bother my kids with talking about my feelings.   Thankfully, I have a good friend in another state who I can call and talk to.  But the pain is still there.  I just need to talk..  

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