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Comment by Cynthia Horacek on December 23, 2011 at 10:46am

Hello.  I haven't responded to each individual posting; it seems during the holidays it get's harder for all of us, and that's to be expiated.  I do want to say, Laura -

YOu are indeed fortunate that you husband's doctor is a friend.  I, too, talked to Don's doctor after he died because I had questions.  He doctor was not a personal friend, but he is a wonderful person, and he took the time to talk with me and answer my questions to the best of his ability and his kind and caring heart was on his sleeve.  I never felt that Don didn't get the best care possible during his treatment; all of his doctors were caring and giving people.  They were all very concerned and made time for us even when they didn't have it.  The only doctor I had a problem with was, of all people, the hospice doctor, but that was only a few days.  And you are right, Laura, that a true friend will listen and not try to change the subject - we need to talk and we need to voice our hurt and our loss.  Yesterday my sister in law actually tried - in an email - to tell me I am using my grieving as an "excuse"; whenever I try to explain why I am having trouble with something, according to her, my "excuse" is that I'm still grieving, and if I haven't gotten "past it by now", I'm not "doing it right."  How dare she!  I was so angry; how could I not respond to that? well, I'm sure I'm not the only person on here who's had someone tell try to tell me how to grieve and what I'm "supposed" to do.  So I just write those people off, and hope that they never have to go through what I've gone through.  Grief does what it does when it wants to do it. I don't know how else to say it.  It's a process; we don't have control over it.  And I do think the best way to deal with it, at least speaking just for myself, is to let it come and let the tears come and just feel it.  We all do what we have to do when we have to do it.

I'm dealing with aging parents right now.  My mom was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and we knew it before the diagnosis that something was wrong, but now my dad has dementia is having delusions - mostly paranoia.  He is also dealing with having caregivers in the home for the first time (he scared them all away - he's very feisty!) and for the first time, my mother is not jumping up and taking care of him whenever he has a demand; she is letting the caregivers to it, which is hard for her, but she has to learn to let them take over where he's concerned.  

So I understand about being up in the middle of the night not being able to turn the thoughts off.  When that happens, sometimes the best thing to do is just get out of bed and write them down - sort of "get it out" and let the thoughts rest until morning.  I don't know, but I hope that helps.  

Anyway, I am thinking of everyone on this list this time of year, as always, and holding all of you in my heart and sending thoughts for a better 2012.  It has to get better; if it gets worse, well, I just don't know what I'd do.  I have to have hope that my life will improve, and I will find a purpose for going on.  

Comment by Laura Salefski on December 23, 2011 at 5:57am

I thought I had this sleep thing concurred, but here I am, still awake at 5:50am. When am I going to learn to shut off my thoughts.

I met with Jon's doctor last evening. He has been such a wonderful "friend". He has provided a lot of support snd gas tried to answer the many questions I have. Maybe that is why I can't shut down the thoughts. It's actually nice to be able to talk about Jon with someone willing to let me say whatever I need to without trying to change the subject. Most if my friends, it seems, think I should be over it by now. He tells me it hasn't been that long, and from what some of his patients say, the second year us harder than the first.

Comment by Clay Damron on December 21, 2011 at 5:30pm

I want to say thank you for the support that all of you are giving me. I can not belive on Sunday Lynn has been gone for six weeks, it is like time has stopped in my world. I just counted the days until Christmas 4, unbelivalbe. What is relly crazy is it took me over an hour to write this, I keep stairrng at the screen. thank you again for the help, hopefully I can do the same for some one else.

Comment by michael sandoval on December 21, 2011 at 5:19pm

Dear Jan,

It's been over two years for me and I still have flashbacks as well.  I'm still in therapy and I'm slowly getting better.

Flashbacks can be triggered by almost anything, but the holidays are extremely difficult because Denise LOVED Christmas and we spent just one Christmas together.

Mike

Comment by Sue Waxman on December 21, 2011 at 1:20pm

Welcome Clay and Eleanor...I lost my mother June 26, 2011 to that bastard cancer.

Please accept my friendship and support. You are at the right place - this site! I would not have made it without my friends here. Sue

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on December 21, 2011 at 6:20am

for me..I didn't want to get away from the pain, it meant accepting what was. My brother died on March 30th 2010 after a 3 month battle with brain cancer. I still deal with anger issues. I am so angry that this was his fate..he was a good man, loved his family,wife and kid. It does, in spite of everything, get better. Sending you all love, this is truly a awful thing we have to deal with.

Comment by Jan Duvenage on December 20, 2011 at 11:38pm

Clay, you have my deepest condolences. This time of the year is especially hard for all of us that has lost a loved one because of the memories we have of this season. All i can say is take it day by day and let your heart guide you. It is now nearly 2 years since my dearest Margi passed away of pancreatic cancer on the 19th of April 2010 and i have regular flashbacks of times together. Anniversaries,birthdays and ,Christmas is allways the worst time but the pain softens eventually and its only the image of her not suffering or being in pain that eases the self anguish. We are all here together and this is how we help each other.

 

Comment by Laura Salefski on December 20, 2011 at 10:53pm

Clay, Last Christmas is a blur to me. Jon had been gone for 22 days. I couldn't bear the thought of being home, alone, without him. I went to my sisters house in Canada and pretended everything was okay. We all do the things we need to do to make through each passing minute, hour, day, etc. Just remember we are here and I for one am sending up some extra prayers for you.

Laura

Comment by anna l. on December 20, 2011 at 10:47pm

Clay after my husbands services I sent my kids home.  They had been staying with us for weeks before but when it was over I just wanted my house back.  Wanted to be alone.  Wanted to crawl into my bed and never come out.  And I did.  For almost 2 months that is what I did.  And honestly that is exactly what I needed to do.  I was exhausted from everything.  I was emotionally exhausted from trying to not be a complete mess in front of my little grandkids and from trying to be strong for my kids who where falling apart too.  In September I started coming out more, talking more and reaching out to people here.  I know you dont want to deal with all that Christmas is, but you will.  I hope when you are there you find some peace, make some new memories, and come home glad you went.  Special thoughts from me as we face this time with a heavy heart.

Comment by Clay Damron on December 20, 2011 at 10:10pm

Thank you all for the welcome, I am so glad to find this web site and be able to talk to some one who knows where I am at. I do not care about anything right now, I live 650 miles from my family and I am going there on the 23 through the 2. I do not feel like going no where, but on the couch in a ball and forget about it all, where I have been for the last 2 weeks until now. Thank you all

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