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Comment by Melissa Broome on December 30, 2011 at 11:41pm

I have the helpless feeling as well. Because we couldn't do anything by the time we found out my mom had cancer the docs offered treatment but told us it would do no good. Since it was stage 4 colon cancer and it had metastasized throughout her whole entire body. we basically had to set back pump her full of meds and watch her suffer. thankfully it wasn't long for her sake. I have been missing her so much. It's hard to carry on. My heart is broken. She too had to have reassurance that we would all be fine and it was ok to let go. I was a liar..I don't want to be but I had to tell her I would be ok. Cause watching her suffer was killing me. I miss you mom!

Comment by mercy on December 30, 2011 at 11:06pm

I've been very depressed lately, its not your typical sadness, its depression. For the first time my little girl will not be around me if her dad is home. I think she just senses my sadness. I hate the festivities surrounding this time of year because I feel like I have to keep acting like am cheerful too., I want to leave 2011 behind, but its bittersweet because am leaving behind the the last year of moms life, its just a weird feeling...........maybe I need to go to bed now.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on December 30, 2011 at 7:44am

Last year New Year's was a blur since we had Harry's funeral on December 27th. The one thing that I remember and it seems so small was him not being there to give me a kiss at midnight. This year I am in a new house for just a week and so many things have changed but that is the one constant that can break me down. Not depressed but just causes a good cry. I hope we all get through this well and look forward to better things in 2012. Happy New Year everyone!

Comment by K.T on December 30, 2011 at 4:52am

Hi Guys,

I hope you are all well. I was wondering if any of you felt really depressed about tomorrow or whether it's just me? I've always found New Years really emotional and sad in the past for some reason, Mum and I always cried at midnight. Now this year she won't be here to cry with me, and I'll be the only one :( Everyone around me is so cheerful and I just feel so hopeless right now.

Kelly.

Comment by mercy on December 29, 2011 at 6:35pm

Thank you Evelyn, again, am so sorry for your loss. I loved my brother dearly and losing him has been very hard on me. Coming here is always very comforting.

Sue, Christmas this year was the worst. I was so very tired, depressed, angry, every bad emotion you can think of. The only person that kept me from going over the edge was my daughter. I see this little girl as a gift from God, she has helped me in my darkest hours. Last night I was tired but could not turn my mind off, so me and her got on youtube and started listening to nursery rhymes, after about 45 minutes, I decided we could listen to something different. The song He knows my name popped up. I cried so much listening to it; my little girl reacted shocked at first then started drying my tears telling me baby, sorry, its ok, its ok. She has so much wisdom and empathy, even though she's only twenty five months. I'm so blessed to have her. Sue, you are not alone, you may feel alone but you are not. You are such a wonderful human being and you feel like family to me. I have the next four days off, if I don't get into one of those deep dark places I was in last weekend; I will call you. God Bless.

Comment by Sue Waxman on December 29, 2011 at 5:25pm

Dear Mercy...sorry we could not connect on phone. Please call me when you can. I thought about you Christmas Eve and Day. We seem to all have made it through Christmas. What does the NEW Year mean for us? I have been very down today. Just so tired. I started crying taking my shower tonight before bed...I am so tired of everything. Going through life putting on a good front and really making the effort to go on. Sandra says ...life sucks. Christmas was depressing..Itried to think of Christmas in only the nameof Jesus being born. Work is stressful. My boss is having memory loss.She never remembersour conversations lately. I wish you guys were closer geography. I am a 56 year old spinster,orphan. OMG. Never ever saw this as my life. My life has a lot of blessings but damn it - I  feel so alone. Love Sue

Comment by Evelyn J. Rios on December 29, 2011 at 3:51pm

Dearest Mercy, that was my precious mom's name. My brother only found out he was sick because the docs told me the diseases I have are very likely to hit my siblings. I called all of them right away before I was even finished being dxd. Manni had no insurance but most of my symptoms. I told him get insurance first then go to the doc. The weird thing was three of the five of us underwent endoscopy for the same thing and he was the only one with it. Stage 4 already metastisized. I have esphoghitis and GERD which I have to take meds for and watch what I eat in order to not turn into cancer. My little half sister too. PLEASE RUN DONT WALK TO MAKE YOU AN APPT. Your mom doesn't want to see you in Heaven yet. Thank you for your sympathy it is much valued.

Comment by mercy on December 29, 2011 at 2:24pm

Evelyn; I’m so sorry about the loss of your brother and pray that God will give you comfort. I too have had multiple losses in my family 3 brothers and my parents, my brothers all died in their prime, leaving young kids behind. It’s so hard I’m not 40 yet and I’ve lost almost half my family. The latest loss was my brother in 2010 and my mom in May of this year to esophageal cancer. This cancer is one of the rare ones but very deadly since it renders the patient unable to eat. I hurt so much that mom had to suffer; sometimes I feel worse about the suffering she went through than her death. Cancer is so evil; it has ruined the lives of millions around the world. How long after the time of diagnosis did your brother die? I have so many questions, I always wonder if a different treatment approach would have made a difference in mom’s outcome and longevity. Mon died about 14 months from the time of diagnosis.

Comment by mercy on December 29, 2011 at 2:18pm

Hi Jeanne; I thank you for your response and also your encouragement. Lately I’ve been feeling so depressed that I’m saying some very irresponsible. The holiday season brought up some painful issues that were very hard to confront. I’ll see a gastroenterologist soon since I’ve developed some serious stomach issues. I know mom would be so upset if I take my health for granted. I also have a two year old who I have to live for. I’ll make everything I do for my health about her. I hope we all have some brighter days ahead.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on December 29, 2011 at 7:59am

Mercy, I don't understand how you can say you have symtoms of the same cancer you lost your mother from yet you won't get yourself checked out. You have been given a heads up to the possibility of a terrible disease that you can do something about. It may very well be nothing but if you do nothing you could have so much more  problems down the road. Do you think that your mother would want you to ignore the signs because you have some misguided guilt that you didn't do right by her? You must have loved ones that would feel as bad as you do about your mother as they would about you. Do you want one more person to go through that pain we all know when you don't have too? Please honor your mother's life but getting checked and fighting back if you have to. You have the opportunity to make her death make sense in some way if you can avoid what she did. Please get checked out and stop feeling responsible for what happened. Cancer is a terrible thing and you had no control over what happened. You love you mother and she will be looking down on you and praying that you do the right thing for you. Please think about it.

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