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Comment by Lucy Brady on April 7, 2016 at 1:49pm

I'm sorry to see more members. I lost my mom 5 months ago today. I wonder if my siblings count each month as I do. I am not sure where to go visit my mom, part of her is with my dad, and the other part of her was disbursed over a mountain someone in my hometown. It makes it harder for me to recognize the reality of her passing. I know she is gone from this earth because I saw her but my siblings had their idea of what she happened after she passed. I didn't ever think this pain could lead me to a site to divulge my biggest heartache. This pain is huge, most of the time I can't breathe or hear. Tidals waves over and over again. I pray for us all, they say if you want someone to listen to you, to pray. 

Comment by Margie S. on April 7, 2016 at 11:24am

I lost mine on October 8, 2015.  I agree, Victor, it is really hard to continue living without mom.  I miss her every single day of my life. I feel empty.  Manisha, my mom also cooked my favorite dishes when I visited her.  She enjoyed cooking them for me.  I miss her so much.  I talk to her every day.  I wish she were here right now. Love you mom.   

Comment by Manisha on April 7, 2016 at 6:56am

I lost my mum on the 9th November 2015, almost 6 months ago, and I think of her every day of my life, I have flash backs of conversations, being together, her making my favourite dishes.

The hardest part is realising now and not understanding when she needed me most.

I wish I could turn back time.

Comment by victor ndazamo on April 7, 2016 at 2:37am

lost my mum on the third of january earlier this year after a long battle with stroke, its my final year at varsity and everything that i did i just wanted to make her proud being her last born we shared a very special bond and i keep on remembering how she cried in pain and prayed i prayed too everyday beside her but it wasnt enough to save her i wish she could come back .....never felt so much pain so lost and hopeless mama was my everything and i miss her so much just her presence its hard to cope with school work and life .....so sad    

Comment by victor ndazamo on April 7, 2016 at 2:28am

Comment by Monica on April 6, 2016 at 10:45am

Helen dear, i am so sorry for your pain. For everyones pain. I commend your bravery. You deserve all the love, comfort & support you so unselfishly gave both your Mother & through your profession. The attachments you carry with your grieving are so unfair to you, as the cross is already too heavy. Becoming & learning to live life Motherless in itself is the worst of burdens....it haunts us everyday. I think we are all looking for that clear path to navigate this horrible journey, but 22wks into it, and reading your stories...i cant seem to visualize an end to this dark tunnel. Surely it will change, grow further apart from the time we lost her,get harder, more painful, discover new emotions, bounce back n forth between anger, sadness & vulnerability. ...Gosh the rollercoaster really steals sooo much from us. Everyone,,,just keep writing down your thoughts & feelings. It is a temporary bandage, but also somehow lets someone else know they arent alone in this Mess!!! Bless you all

Comment by Lisa Green on April 6, 2016 at 8:09am

Helen, your story touches me. I was married once to an addict and I learned a lot about the disease of addiction by going to a self help group called Al-anon. I went for 7 years and I found so much peace, hope and answers there. Al-anon is a group of people who live with or love an addict and learn how to not blame ourselves for the addicts actions but still love the addict. Al-anon is nationwide. Google it and go to a meeting. They are anonymous and this group truly kept me from losing my mind. Having that last little bit of time before your Mom passed, is such a blessing. My mom was on a vent for five days and never woke up. I wanted so badly for her to open her eyes and have the ability to communicate with us but it didn't happen. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are able to find peace with your siblings somehow through this process because family is the most important thing especially when we lose one. May God Bless You and all of us who are suffering this incredible pain of grief. 

Comment by Theresa on April 6, 2016 at 5:36am

I am sorry everyone.

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I feel like this is surreal.

I watched my dad suffer 16 years ago from asbestos cancer and take his last breath calling my moms name, reaching out for her and now my mom goes in cardiac arrest from a simple visit to the hospital, she was taken suddenly and unexpectedly, I go over and over that day in my head.

I try to remember all the days she said to me you know we all belong to God.  I know in my heart she is happy and at peace, but I used to say to her, but mom those who passed are at peace the ones they left are now suffering.  She would say you have to live your life, I lived mine....Its hard, I cry a lot.

Comment by HelenB on April 6, 2016 at 12:45am

She did a lot of destructive things. I loved her so much but I can't just remember the good cuz it's time to face I grieved my mom most my life. It's just now there's no chance to have her. I don't want to be anything like she was. I need to find myself and who I am without her. I can't stand this grief. There's no real book or support group that fits cuz there are groups for loved ones of living people with her disorder. There a grief groups for suicide but not just for moms & everyone assumes ppl who kill themselves are depressed. Often it is another problem. The thing my mom had was particular distressing and that's why there are groups for loved ones dealing with someone who has it. Many of them want nothing to do with their living moms. I never stopped loving my mom. If I hated her or anyone, id be just like she was.,plus, I'm dealing with my family basically blowing themselves up. Ironically, my mom's mental illness & fear of abandonment kept the sand castle standing. It was a roller coaster ride. I'm off her ride now but i feel like I'm still dizzy from it & I can't find my way out of the park. I know others feel lost without their moms and stuck as the rest of the world goes on. I sadly can't remember happy times and continue a relationship with a dead person who couldn't live during her life. I also am vety isolated due to this health thing & I need my family most now, especially my mom. But i need to face the fact that unlike those who lost their mom's not by their mom's choice, this is what my mom did & she knew what she was doing & didn't mean to succeed but played with matches one too many times (in her disorder, suicides attempts are rarely meant to succeed & she would take just enough pills to get herself in a coma or in the mental Hosp and save the rest for her resurrection). But eventually those who are habitual attemptors, miscalculate or mess up on time being found or the person they expected to find them is late of their bodies just can't take it anymore. But I can't ask her and I won't ever know for sure. Whatever ur grief, I think it feels so hard to get out of the abyss. If I had happier memories of my mom, maybe I'd miss her even more. I can't imagine, cuz I loved her so much. Sometimes, I wonder if I weren't physically ill & could be working right now, I'd be better & other times I think how could anyone work with such profound grief & loss. My mom missed her mom who lived to 89. It doesn't matter their age or our age. Loss is loss & pain is pain. I think the one good thing I realized is she didn't reject me. She rejected herself. Even if she didn't mean to succeed, she knew she might & she wouldn't help herself. She surrounded herself with haters & she was hurtful to me. I think she did that cuz she hated herself. I think she didn't really love anyone cuz she didn't love herself. I don't think she cared how it would affect anyone. So, how do i find myself without her and start over in the life I have left? I imagine others wonder the same. I'll forever be sad abt this. Life didn't turn out at all as planned. But I am still alive and I don't want to be her prisoner anymore. I know much of the grief therapy focuses on remembering the good times when the person was alive. What if that's not possible? I want a mom! I don't even have relatives nearby. There should be adoption for adults. Older people who are alone & need someone to love and be with on holidays and talk to on the phone so they feel valued and adult children who lost parents for want to call a mom. I know no one can replace our moms but I think it would be a great program. I am so desperate to find my mom, even enough happy memories to be at peace with her, but I think i have to find the person that got lost looking for her. Thx for writing ur stories. In my case, I get so worried abt my mental health cuz of my mom's. I don't have any psych dxs, but I do have profound grief & some trauma issues. who wouldn't? My siblings. they hated her.

Comment by HelenB on April 5, 2016 at 11:56pm

Been here a while but dealing with a major medical problem myself. Was reading over the posts here. My mom died in my arms of suicide nov 2014. Please don't judge my loss cuz she chose it. I didn't. I loved her so much. She wasn't depressed. She had a personality disorder. It was very very difficult the 4 years leading up to it. She was addicted to narcotics and other rx Meds & kept finding ways to get them. My siblings and I are estranged (not my choice) as they hated my mom but took her money. They know I have my own estate and think they need to use the educations my parents handed to them and earn a living. They are upscale trouble. My dad has dementia and is being controlled by them. I realized today (and like so many here, I cry daily abt my mom & I just wanted my real mom & I want to call her all the time), that it's not that my mom didn't love me enough, she hated herself. She surrounded herself with hateful ppl. I couldn't save her. I tried my entire life to make her happy. Now I'm lost. Nothing in my life is the same between my own medical thing that i am trying to survive while she wouldn't even help herself, my stellar career cuz I'm on indefinite leave, the isolation, and I feel like a rejected orphan. I have a grief therapist. She's good but ironically, I'm in that field but in a different specialty, but I know too much abt therapy and also I have complicated, traumatic, & ambiguous grief. So much for being in psych. My mom killed herself. Like so many, I feel like she took so much of me with her. I'm angry at her. I'm angry at my brothers with live with my parents who didn't confiscate the huge bottle of narcotics in plain view after 5 prior attempts (that I know of). They knew she couldn't one pill cuz her liver was so trashed. They didn't want my mom. My mom couldn't admit it. She chased after their love like I chased after my mom. I realized abt an hour ago. My mom is dead cuz she hated herself, not cuz I wasn't good enough. She surrounded herself with hate cuz that's what she felt abt herself. She had been my best friend, I thought but she became hateful to me. But she came out of her coma in her last half hour when the rest of her family left and I stayed & the icu staff was shocked. She was fully alert & we cried together. I believe she finally realized i was the one who never gave up loving her. I think she regretted so much and she knew it was too late. I say this based on her attempts to communicate & her reactions to things I said. It was a miracle she came back to me for one last "mother -daughter" time. I cry as I write this. Yes, the year anniversary and each monthly anniversary is a countdown and very hard. but I realized my mom hated herself and that's why she's gone.

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