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Comment by Brett Bowman on December 1, 2017 at 9:59pm

Sometimes we think about the things that we should have said, but the truth is we will still have so much pain. I told my mom that it was okay for her to go. Like Sherri, I actually almost regret saying it because it was a lie, but my mom deserved to hear those words and she had suffered enough. More than enough. Still, it was a lie. The thing to remember though is that the love between our mothers and us was very real and very well understood. You could say everything that you ever wanted to say, and it would still hurt so much. I'll never love anyone as much as loved my mom. I don't have a spouse or children, but it really doesn't matter if you do. We love them all in different ways but we love them as much as our hearts will allow us to love. I could not have loved my mom more than I do. She knew that. I try to take some comfort from that. There are things that I truly wish that I could have apologized for, but do you know what? I would still be posting on this site right now. Love like that does not die. There is a price to pay for loving so much, but I certainly do not regret loving my mom as much as I do, or the life we had together, and if I am heartbroken for the rest of my life, so be it. My mom was worth it.

Comment by Sherri on December 1, 2017 at 8:09pm

Crystal and Theresa I get it. It's been 10 months now and my mind still goes to a sad place. I agree this changes us I know my husband tells me ive lost my smile now I sit looking at things but he can tell I'm not really here just going through the motions and I just don't smile that much anymore but he doesn't understand I just don't feel happy mostly sad all the time. Crystal I sat with my mom and told her it's okay to let go I can tell you those words haunt me everyday because I never wanted her to go and I can't face it she's not coming back when my step dad calls from their house I still have it programmed on my phone as mom my heart breaks every time I see it.

Comment by Theresa on December 1, 2017 at 7:48pm

Crystal it’s so heartbreaking you’re right today a girl brought her 96-year-old mom into the store where I work and I was like why couldnt that be my mom that should’ve been my mom but I thought well maybe not maybe it was her time but I so wish it wasn’t I guess we all have a time we just don’t know when that time is I was so shocked so shocked and to think two weeks before that my mom decorated the whole house by herself sometimes I just don’t know what to say I have this feeling in me that doesn’t go away I just can’t describe it sometimes I just cry and tell her how much I miss her

Comment by Crystal K on December 1, 2017 at 1:25pm

Oh Theresa, I feel your pain.  In a way I am thankful that I got to say goodbye, although she was on a breathing ventilator and could not talk for the last few hours of her life.  I kick myself for not comforting her while she was still awake, but I did not want to admit that she was dying, so I cried quietly to myself until it was too late.  My mom also died from cardiac arrest. She had one final heart attack and died the next morning.  I feel you Theresa, its is hard to think about the unsaid.  If I were to do it again, I would have thanked her for everything that she did, to not be afraid, shared stories about our lives, and asked her what baby names she liked so I can name my first child.   I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye until the very last moment.  

Comment by Theresa on December 1, 2017 at 6:03am

Brett, I agree this life is not the end, God has prepared something even more beautiful for us.

Crystal, I have changed since my mom died, what you say describes me, I know she wouldn't want that, but that is how I feel.

I also didn't know my moms visit to the hospital would be her last and neither did she, I looked in her purse for something and found her little box, it had one vitamin and one blood pressure pill in it because she thought after they fixed her on that Saturday we were going out to breakfast.  It breaks my heart.....

 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 30, 2017 at 9:50pm

Crystal, that's heartbreaking that your mom wanted to go on living. My mom was ready. I wasn't ready, but mom was ready. She had been sick for long enough. We talk about becoming hardened and pessimistic, but I will always have hope and faith that this life is not the end, that your mom and my mom are in heaven now, and that they are well, and will never have anything to fear again.

Comment by Crystal K on November 30, 2017 at 2:10pm

Thank you all for the kind words.  Bluebell and Brett I completely agree about how the loss wears us down.  I have lost so many people in my life and losing my mom was the icing on the cake, if you will.  It has changed me so much, I am no longer the girl who laughs at everything. I am still me, but sadder, pessimistic, and more negative.  With every loss, the light in me got less and less bright.  Theresa, yes it takes time, and I do feel that overall the pain is not as intense at the first few days.  But I fear that every time I remember my mom, I will remember her last few days in the hospital, the strength she had when she pleaded with the doctor to find something to fix her, and her tears as she realized she wasn't getting any better. Tears are running down my face as I write this. it just kills me that my mom never got any closure, she didn't know that her visit to the hospital would be the last. Neither did I. and it is just unfair for anyone to go through this.   

Im sorry guys.  I am so thankful I have you guys to vent to.  Can't really talk to my family because talking for them brings up the pain, and they would rather not think about it.  Maybe that is what I need to do as well.  

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 30, 2017 at 11:06am

Theresa, my mom was all that I had as well.

Bluebell, I agree. I do not feel stronger either. I feel quite the opposite. If anything I can now council friends when they lose their moms but am not sure if I will ever be stronger because of her death. I may become hardened which can come across as strength, but I could do without that.

Crystal, I understand what you are going through. I am so sorry. You are not alone.

God Bless you all.

Comment by BLUEBELL on November 30, 2017 at 9:47am

One of my patient's passed away a couple of minutes ago. I had nightmares last night that I would have to attend her death. But I was spared that and I am relieved. I can take care of the terminally ill and I do it willingly, but I am not ready for the other part. It is just too close yet to the death of my own Mom.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on November 30, 2017 at 5:35am

Sorry wasn't ready to post, but all that being said my mom was all I had.

I have so many unanswered questions that I know one day they will be answered.

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