Today I want to just pack up and run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me or knew him. Where I can try and enjoy 5 minutes of life without the reminder that he isn't here with me. He was loved by so many and so many want to honor him and remember him, that everything is about him. I am still so entrenched into his family, which is a blessing and a curse. I helped his mother plan and do a baby shower for his sister-in-law. They kept calling me aunty. T-shirts were made with his picture to honor him, awards were dedicated to his memory, more t-shirts for an annual festival at a bar he worked at are being made and the festival is happening, quilts are being made with his clothing (which really is awesome) but I get the picture of the quilts and to be reminded that although he was mine, he wasn't. I'm no longer me. I'm "she was Billy's girlfriend". I'm afraid that this will forever be my identity now unless I break away from "our" life. But that would mean walking away from such wonderful people that really have been supportive and loving. But I can't keep doing this. Or maybe I can and it is who I'm supposed to be. I experienced love. Not everyone gets to say that. Maybe I need to except that that was it for me. Is it wrong to hope that I get another chance at love and family. I wouldn't give up the brief time I had with Billy and he will forever be in my heart and I'd do anything to have him back again, but the cold hard truth is he is gone. I'm here. I'm here going crazy trying to understand how I'm supposed to live. How can you run away from yourself?