Tomorrow it will be 2 years since M died.
    I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. Relief? Regret? There is a sense of sadness there.
    My anxiety has been so high as this day approaches. I keep having flashbacks to the moment I found him. To the feelings I felt when I realized what had happened.
    I haven't talked to E about it. I don't know what to say.
    I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life right now. I'm married to an incredible man, my daughter is healthy and thriving, I'm pregnant with a beautiful healthy baby, my career looks promising, my health is improving, and I can honestly say I'm where I had hoped I'd be at this stage in my life.
   So why am I so anxious?
   I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm off all my meds or if it is just because I'm confused about my feelings. Or both.
   E was diagnosed recently with high blood pressure and cholesterol. Granted, they aren't HIGH high. He's now on medications and we've already changed our lifestyle to be healthier. So this shouldn't worry me. But M had high BP too. And he died.
   I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and checking to make sure E is ok. I have a hard time getting to sleep because I worry about what would happen to T if anything happened to me.
   Maybe all my feelings have to do with the fact that I wasn't happy with M. I had started to hate what he had become. I feel guilty because his parents have lost a son, his best friend has become a functioning alcoholic, his brother has fallen deeper into his addictions, and I'm totally happy.
   Maybe I'm upset because none of them really understand what he had become the past 6 months of his life. Not that I'd tell them, they deserve to remember him the way they do. It's a small comfort for them. But I KNEW him. I knew he was a raging alcoholic, he was becoming increasingly abusive towards me, he was depressed and lazy. I knew all this and I couldn't change it. I was struggling to provide for my daughter while formulating a way to get out. I had to protect her.
   After I got over my grief and the anger that followed, I saw what state my life had been in. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.
   I need my support group tonight. I just need to vocalize what I'm feeling to people who aren't involved in this.
   I also think I just need to take some time to cry. Just let all my feelings of frustration, guilt, and sadness out. Because in the end, I know there was nothing I could do to change him or change the fact that he died. I couldn't save him.