Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by nadia on June 6, 2011 at 12:37am

Dear Mercy

 

SO very sorry to hear yous loss.. I have no real words of comfort other than to say that I do feel your pain and hurt - I have my wonderful sister on 21/05 when she was just 36 yrs.  She died suddenly from heart attack just a a few days before we too link up for two whole months over summer. she was my only best friend and soulmate.. noone really knwos me like she did... I cannot put in words how much she meant to me.. I am going hrough the same feelings trying to take one hour at a time... I can yet manage a day.. there are some moment I am sort of OK/numb and moments not so good. I was never religious to start with and now  desperatel trying to connect to a fath to give me some solace and hope... I am desperate to get a sign from her... I am trying to think that we would be reunited someday - I wish my foath was stronger but I am complete novice to spirituality.. I talk to her everyday (altho never had any signs) - I tell her how much I love her .. sometimes it makes feel better to assert my love to her over and over and over to her... I am trying to get all phtos form her firends   find out thier stories with her and write everything down... I am not sure if it would help you too --senidng you my love.. nadia

Permalink Reply by Kelli C. on June 6, 2011 at 10:11am

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for all of your loss.  I wish I could say or do something to make it better for you. You have had a lot of loss in a very short time and I can only imagine how you must feel.  I have also lost a lot of very close people to me although it was over a longer period of time, including my daughter, my father, my two best friends and now my older brother, so I do understand in the sense that each time we lose someone so close to us, a piece of our heart is ripped out of us.  

When these devastating things happen, it is so hard to try to make any sense of it and I think it's the sense of feeling so alone and lost that makes us feel like we will never have any hope again.   In fact, I am also questioning my faith again and I am trying to stay strong, but I have to admit, I feel lucky just getting through an hour let alone the whole day.   With all of my heart, I hope that you don't do anything to hurt yourself.  You are NOT alone.  I am new to this website, but it seems like there are a lot of very kind and caring people here who are also experiencing a lot of the same things that we are. 

I don't have all of the answers, in fact I probably don't have a lot of answers, but one thing I have learned through losing so many people is that you can't beat yourself up over what you should or shouldn't have done differently. I am sorry that your mother had to go through so much before she passed away and I am sure that it was a relief to her that you were there with her in your own loving and caring way.   Cancer is a horrible illness that happens to very beautiful people and watching them suffer is more than we can bear.  And because you have lost your other siblings and now your mother, I can only imagine how deep your loss is.  I wish I could say something more to help ease your pain, but I hope that just knowing you are not alone will help you get through this a little more. My thoughts and prayers are with you...Kelli

 

Permalink Reply by mercy on June 6, 2011 at 10:53am

Thanks ladies so much for reaching out to me even in your own loss and pain. Last night I was watching a show about this lady who has triplets and two of them have life threatening illness, in addition to their cerebral palsy. They will eventually lose the power to eat or breathe and die of suffocation; she is also battling breast cancer and has gone through divorce recently. I had been questioning God why my family had to go through this much tragedy (I forgot to mention my older brother suffered debilitating meningitis last November). After I saw that story, I realized that our situation is not unique. I saw that there are people out there going through serious challenges every day. My suicidal thoughts are not as bad now. I remember yesterday a challenge was posed to me (not by someone but something). The challenge was, would you rather have your mom here in pain or in heaven at peace? I know I could not take away her pain no matter how much I loved her; so I’ll settle for not having her here in pain. That really helped me get through the day yesterday. I also had a visitation from my mom; she was in her childhood home and looked so relaxed and vibrant. It took me years to get a visitation from my brothers or dad so I know my mom wanted to give me comfort. I know every day will be a struggle but I hope everyday I’ll find a reason to get through the day. I’m glad that there are people here who truly understand what I’m going through and THANK God for you. I’ll keep you posted on my progress and please keep me posted on yours. I PRAY Gods peace over you.