After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by Cindy on April 5, 2011 at 10:06am
Thanks Carol.  Yeah, some times I smile, some times I cry.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on April 17, 2011 at 10:51pm

Hi Ladies,

Some days are okay, but latley I feel very much alone.  I don't like the way I feel, like it's all just too much.  I have to keep going, but I feel so hurt. I am the walking wounded.  I just wish I could talk to him and feel him near me, but all I feel is emptiness and fear.

Permalink Reply by Cindy on May 26, 2011 at 10:37am

Hi Ladies.  How are you?

 

Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on May 26, 2011 at 4:26pm
Hi Cindy.  Things just seem to keep getting worse for me.  First I lost my glasses  and waited a good week and a half before ordering new ones and had to pay a lot of money.  Then, the day I picked up the new ones, I found the old ones.  I was able to get money back for the frame and the clip on sunglasses, but I have to keep the lenses so so they're putting them in for me.  Then the AC on my car stopped working and being I have asthma I cannot be without AC, so tomorrow I have to drop the car off for them to see what's wrong again.  I've already spent so much on my car.  Then, my neighbor who I was so happy to meet last year after she lost her husband, calls me up and tells me she's moving in with this guy in Sept.  She never once told me she loved him or was in love with him.  Then, Saturday would have been my 22nd anniversary.  I'm just so tired of everything always going wrong me.  I keep waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have absolutely nothing to look forward to and that just makes me sad.  PHEW, sorry, I know I've spouted off a mouthful.  How are things with you?
Permalink Reply by Cindy on May 29, 2011 at 7:11pm
No problem, but if misery loves company? My car is leaking gas and antifreeze and needs a new muffler, I lost my debit card, I tried to ride my bike to work and was embarrased to have to call someone to pick me up. It seems like we deserve a break! I miss Les so much. Things were just better with him around. I also haven't seen Les' grandkids in a month. I love them and miss them. So, sadly, you are not alone. I'm here for you.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on May 29, 2011 at 7:14pm
So sorry to hear your woes Cindy.  Sometimes I feel like I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Everyday is the same to me just another name.  I like you just feel so lonely with out.  It's funny I was just sitting here crying when I saw your posting.  I pray that one day soon we will both be able to feel some happiness and have things go our way for a change.  Lots of Hugs for you and I'm here for you too.  Like I mentioned before, you can call me anytime if you need to, no matter what time.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on August 4, 2011 at 9:11pm

Hi Carol, Well, it is getting close to a year without my love, Les.  I had a hard time on his birthday a few days ago.  Today wasn't very good either.  I am lucky to have a new friend, Misty.  She and I do sewing and crocheting together, and her husband and my son have done some games together.  It has helped me get out of the house. I hope you are doing well.  We must go on, but most days I cannot figure out how we are supposed to.

 

Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on August 4, 2011 at 9:22pm
Hi CIndy, it was two years for me this past saturday.   I know it must have also been hard on you.  I've had it pretty rough the last few months.  I've had nothing but trouble with my car and I finally had to give it up and get another car.  I truly loved my PT Cruiser.  Then, the friend who I met last year who I thought was so special, met some guy and just threw my completely under the bus.  Haven't heard from her in  months.  Yesterday I get a message that my 89 year old uncle is in the hopsital and not doing very and I have to make some decisions.  THen today the auctioneer came to take all Rob's tools, equipment, etc out of storage for sale.  I don't need to tell you how that felt.  Then my doctor's office called to tell me that my labs showed I may be borderline diabetic.  Not a very good week.  I'm like you, I just keep wondering how to go on and sometimes even why.  I know someday we will be better for all this but right now it seems so hard and far away.  I'm glad you have a new friend.  Keep your spirits up. 
Permalink Reply by Cindy on August 5, 2011 at 6:48am
I'm sorry Carol, all that just adds to the pain we already feel!  I hope all the other stuff gets better.  It doesn't help us heal any, when everything else just pours salt in our wounds.  I hope things start to look up for both of us.  Please call me if you need to--I think you have my cell number. I moved a few months ago, but still have the same cell.  If you don't have it let me know.  Take care, and try to think positive--I know how hard it is to do that. Cindy

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