On November 30, 2010, I found out that the love of my life had died from a heart attack.Thomas was my best friend, lover, confident, my rock. For over 4 years, he was my everything. The past few months has been hell for me. I'm not only dealing with his death, but the death of an aunt and uncle. He helped me deal with my aunt's fate and becoming guardian to her youngest children. Unfortunately, his oldest son had died six weeks before his death.

We talked everyday, even though we were across the country from each other, we couldn't have been closer. We knew each other inside out. The last time we spoke was November 26, 2010, the day after Thanksgiving. I called him and we had our normal conversation, what's going on, kids, me wanting a date night,  our anniversay, and our future. We celebrated our anniversary the first of every month, so I wanted a date night as my gift. No interruptions, just 'us' time. He as always, tried to get out of it. He asked me where Scooby, our dog was at. I don't refer to him as that and he wanted me to put him on speakerphone, so scooby can hear him call him a dog. We both laughed, and talked about me getting used to farm life and him living in the south. As always, I ended the call with " I love you" and he said, I'll talk to you later. That weekend was so busy for me because I had guests from out of town visiting. After not speaking to him for a day, I knew something was wrong, I called and emailed him, called the hospital several times, I prayed. My worst fears was my reality, when I found out he died three days later.

The pain I feel is deep. I cry so much, I feel as though I have no one to talk to about this, I'm lost. I grew with him, no matter what happened to me, I knew he was there for me. Things that I never gave a second thought to is embedded in my memory. I just go through the motions, I cry at night or when I'm alone, I've sent him emails, called his phone, replayed my phone messages from him. I started therapy two weeks after he died. I knew that was too much for me to deal with, yet I feel as though nothing is helping. The void he left, has no measure.