Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Patrice Ball on January 27, 2016 at 6:22pm

Wow Jeff that is horribly sad. I am so sorry to read about your loss; it is great that you are seeking counseling for your sweet daughter... losing her mother is huge. I hope you find some counseling for yourself. I found free grief counseling at a local hospital (hospice support) which was very helpful. Peace to you.

Permalink Reply by Michelle Vargas on January 28, 2016 at 1:05pm

I lost my husband almost a year ago...Feb. 23.  He was my best friend and the only person I knew loved me unconditionally.  He understood me; sometimes, more than I could understand myself.  He passed from liver and kidney failure.  Our last two years of his life were very traumatic and felt like if we just got through this hump of our marriage, we would get through anything.  Our faith kept us going, even when days were tough; however, his body gave out.  I miss him every day.  I know he is everywhere w/ me and the kids.  We have an 19 year old son and 16 year old daughter.   All we kept talking about when he was alive, was can't wait for them to get out of highschool, so we could start the second half our life together.  That parenting teens are hard and that we were going to make it through....well, here I am.  A year later, and w/ the help of counseling for both the kids, with the assistance of family counseling and a great support system of friends and coworkers, I have come to the realization, he will always be with me...he helped shaped me into the person I am today and although the future is the future, I will never find anyone like him.  My best friend.  I do find Hope for my future partner.... because I know henry will always be w/ me and will help me from above every day of my life, no matter how long I live.  I do believe in signs from above and although I haven't had any dreams so far w/ him in them....I do get signs that he is present and happy.  I see him listening to music at a big concert in the sky...then off to the field of dreams....while keeping his angel wings around us. I wanted you to know there is HOPE and your daughter will keep you going...one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  Bless you and your family :)

Permalink Reply by Jon-Paul Ackerman on January 29, 2016 at 9:11pm

Use this experience to refine yourSelf Jeff.
My Wife expired Her body 17 months ago and I have never understood and loved Her more. I see new aspects of Her everyday. We are truly One.

Permalink Reply by Marie Jones on January 31, 2016 at 10:06pm

Sorry,Jeff.   I recently lost my husband, college sweethearts married right after I graduated- 25 years.  We have 4 kids, youngest is 11.  I find solace in doing with the kids what their dad did with them.  I did not realize how many hot dog joints there is in our area (my boys have shown me where he had taken them).  My husband had cancer, and when he could eat, his go to food was hot dogs!  It makes me laugh.I won't like, you have a big burden to hold it together for your daughter, but I think she will understand when you can't .  Mine do. I ask them if they want to talk- but I give them space.  My oldest 2 are in college, one in high school and 11 year old in middle school.  They each handle it differently.  Keeping up the routine has helped.  I run my own business (it was mine and my husbands) , so I feel obsessed to keep it all intact or I feel it all will crumble.    I hope you have support whether it be counseling, church, friends or family.  If they offer to help, tell them what you need.  I have never been one to ask for help, but I have been now.  I think it helps my friends feel good as well since they feel so helpless on what to do. 

Permalink Reply by Rhiannon Thomas-Bethel on February 3, 2016 at 5:26am

It pains me, yet strangely comforts me reading these stories because it makes me realize i am not alone. My 38 year old husband was hit and killed by a truck on his way home one evening on his motor bike. We live on a 7 mile Long Island in the Bahamas. He was turning the corner! The whole thing is such a stupid accident. The driver of the truck was my husbands best friends brother in law! It can't get any worse! He left me with a 5 and an 8 year old. Our 9 year old has special needs and requires more attention and care! But what a blessing they are! They are the ONLY reason I get up most mornings! Some mornings it's all I can do to get out of bed, get them ready for school, then it's back in bed for me! Sometimes I think it's easier for their age to comprehend than a 10 year old. There is no manual for this kind of stuff! It is not my job to keep the memory of their daddy alive in their little minds. I am glad we have each other on this site. I live on a rock with approximately 500 people and NO ONE on this island is going through this, simply because there hasn't been a death on the roads here in 40 years! One thing (and there are so many) I have learned is that it's ok to show your kids sadness, and vice versa. Because without sadness, we wouldn't know what happiness is!

Permalink Reply by Patrice Ball on February 3, 2016 at 10:01am

Thanks Rhiannon! I agree: Sometimes my kids are the ONLY reason I get up most mornings! I like what you said about "it's ok to show your kids sadness, and vice versa. Because without sadness, we wouldn't know what happiness is!" Amen.

Permalink Reply by Melinda Dean on February 11, 2016 at 9:38pm

I lost my husband almost a month ago.  I know it can be hard to want to live after losing a spouse. I am having to find my new purpose in life without my husband.  It is hard work.  Sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Jane Lock on February 14, 2016 at 6:10pm

I am sending my best wishes and lots of love on this Valentine's Day. This is the first one for me after spending 26 of them with my dear beloved husband, that he is not there to bring me flowers and chocolates, and a beautiful card. I read the card he gave me last year, and never imagined that I would ever spend one day without him. Life is so unreal. I am just floating around. My kids wrote nice things to warm my heart today, and my son brought me flowers and chocolates. It breaks my heart that my sweet family which is all I ever wanted, is not whole today. My husband even bought cards for the kids every year. I read that Valentine's Day should just be about love, so I thought today about all of my love for my kids, and I have so much love and compassion for this community. I pray that life brings joy to all of you.

Permalink Reply by Robin Quinn on February 28, 2016 at 2:18pm

I know what you're feeling.  My husband of 29 years passed away on Jan. 20 after a short bout with cancer.  He was my best friend and we talked about everything.  I'm at such a loss of what to do without him and don't know who I am anymore.  He was only 53 and now I face the rest of my life without him.  I am lucky my 4 grown children have been such a comfort to me.  I try to stay busy so it doesn't give me alot of time to think, but even driving down the road, the tears start and I fall apart.  I can't think of anything right now that will help.  I hope you get help for your sake and for your daughter's, she needs you so much right now, she's probably worried about losing you as well as death is so scary.

Permalink Reply by Jason on March 2, 2016 at 8:29pm

I just lost my love of 26 years 5 days ago.
She was only 42 with no terminal disease.
She chose me, loved me, listened to me, and took care of me.
I lost my father in my teens, my mother at 40 and my wife now at 44. This is very different and much harder.
Were it not for the kids I would have let myself die with her, and they are close to not being enough.
I blame myself for not seeing how sick she was.
I am seeking help now, but so far only a time machine for the what ifs, the shouldas and the couldas would seem to make a difference.
From what I have heard it only gets harder.
I don't know how I will survive. And part of me doesn't think I should.

Permalink Reply by Jane Lock on March 3, 2016 at 7:20am

Dear Jason,

Many people here understand how you feel. It does not help at this early time to think it gets harder. I can tell you at 8 months that it gets different. I tortured myself severely with self blame. My husband had a massive stroke while driving alone. Yet I told everyone I could when it happened that it was my fault. A good friend of mine told me in a strong way from the first week that this self blame is very damaging to my kids. I now see different aspects of this issue, for example, that an adult is really responsible for themself. I will really never let go of the idea that if his brain was not working properly, than he needed me to get him the right doctors, for example, that he had bad headaches and did not sleep properly for years before this. Ten days before, he did go to the hospital twice and they sent him home. So the rational person would ask, how was i supposed to be smarter than a doctor? The truth is that self blame allows one to make sense of something that is horrifying and painful, when there is no explanation. The months that pass, one day at a time, will reveal to you that one has to accept the randomness of life, and its impermanence. Fill each day now with busy work: prepare papers you need to arrange, cook or learn to cook, talk and talk and talk to your kids. In the midst of pain, you will also find beauty, in the faces of your kids. Then slowly you will know and live a different reality where one good thing a day will be all you need. Yesterday, my youngest laughed and told me a successful story about school, so that was enough. You will get through this, and I am thinking of you and sending you strength.

Permalink Reply by Karen O on March 13, 2016 at 8:01pm

Jason, so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband a month ago and we were married almost 22 years.  Every day is different for me-some days harder than others.  I try and keep busy but every day seems longer than the last.  

Jane, I am so glad to read your note to Jason.  I remember coming home from the hospital and I had to tell my girls (5, 8yrs) what happened.  I thought it was going to be worse than the pain I experienced at the hospital and when I saw them I actually felt a little better.  I know it's going to take a long time but your note to Jason gave me some hope that we will survive this.

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