After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate

I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.

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Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 3, 2010 at 9:07am
I was at work yesterday and didn't get a chance to get on. Yesterday was okay for about an hour, then I got ready to go to work and just cried because I couldn't kiss Les goodbye or call him on his cell at work and see how he was doing.
Last night I cried because I wasn't there with him when he died, and I hate that.
I feel the same way, like by some miracle this isn't real, and I still want to come home or wake up and he's still here and okay and would laugh at me for being so dramatic.
I hope you two are okay, and I am so glad we have each other.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 3, 2010 at 12:23pm
me too cindy!! u guys help me get through this. sometimes i don't feel like i can talk to people i work with or even my sister. and we are very close. i sometimes feel like i'm being a burdon to them. i'm so young and don't know what do do with the rest of my life. does that sound weird? anyway u both have a good day and i would have to say that today is a good day!!!
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 3, 2010 at 10:12am
Renee, NEVER feel like a boob for anyway you feel or for something you want to do. I also feel the way you do. Rob was my whole life, esp. because I had no friends, but we just loved being together 24 hours a day and going everywhere together. Rob once said if he could sew himself to one side of my body he would. I wish he had. I too, mourn for the future I will never have with him. I'm here for either of you anytime for any reason. I will send you a message through this site with my phone number if you ever feel like talking, crying or venting. I hope you will try and have a good day.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 5, 2010 at 10:23am
I understand. Les had many friends, but I feel weird reaching out to a group of guys! Some of the wives have been nice, but to be honest, nobody calls to see how I am doing. They wait till I come to them. Maybe that is normal, because I am like a raw nerve walking around some times. I think they want to avoid me or my pain. I do have friends, but they too do not call often. For a while the only time the phone rang was political calls and bill collectors or charities that didn't know he'd passed.Now it's pretty quiet.
Les' son is going to be out this weekend, and I really want to get things done before he gets here, but I just have no energy.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 5, 2010 at 10:27am
Hi Cindy. I know, everyone says let me know if you need anything, but it would be so much nicer if they just DID something. I found in the beginning if someone called me I was more able to talk and not tear up than if I would initiate call, i just hear someone's voice and just totally break down in tears. People just don't know how to act with people who lose a loved one. The only thing I can say is just take one day at time and just get through one day at a time. Each day is another step. My cousin is leaving this afternoon so I will be free to speak with you or Renee if either one of you wish to cry, vent or whatever. I hope you can try to have a good day Cindy.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 5, 2010 at 3:33pm
Right after Les died people said that alot, I wanted to scream "What I need is for this not to be real!" Some actually did something rather than just say that. I read the proper thing to do is say "What can I do?"
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 6, 2010 at 7:40pm
ok, i didn't now how to start my own page thing. so, i'm here at home, by myself, had to eat by myself, and i don't like it one bit. i don't any money to speak of, i have know one to talk to. i don't know why he had to go and leave me here by myself. i'm thankful for the closes on my back, the food, in my belly, and the roof over my head, but i want my husband back with me, cause these things, don't mean didly without him. just feeling a little blue this evening.
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 6, 2010 at 7:45pm
Hey Renee, me too. I even play the lottery, but I'd give up the millions I might win if I could just have him back. It's so unfair. I know what you mean and how you feel. It's just a desperate need tonight for me, to have this be a horrid complex nightmare. I know he's gone, but I don't want it to be true. I need him and love him so much and I just want him back here to make me feel loved and safe.
Sorry, I guess I'm not much help, but know I hurt too, and I wish I could make it better.
Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on November 6, 2010 at 7:50pm
Finally a way to reply. I just had to send Renee a message. We just have to rememer that all that we are feeling is totally normal. It's 15 months for me and I feel the same things you two are feeling. I would give everything up if I could just have my Rob walk through the door. He was my whole life and I feel like I'm nothing without him. I mean, he just brought out the best of me. It will be hard on us all for a long time, but it will get a bit easier I know that's hard to believe. I sometimes still don't believe it. But I'm here for both of you. Cindy, as I mentioned to Renee in my message to her, my cousin is gone so I'm totally free to chat with either of you. I hope you will take me up on it when you are both able. I'm here for you both as best as i can.
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 7, 2010 at 5:31am
i know this is how it's going to be. all i'm saying is i don't like it and sometimes i feel really lonely. i hate to say anything to my family so i talk to the two of u. thanks carol for your words of encourgement. they really do help. cindy don't i know your hurting too. and i really wish i could take your pain away. i know we will be ok, but at this time it really sucks. love to u both and i'll chat with u tonight i hope!!
Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on November 7, 2010 at 5:34am
cindy i sent u a friend request if you would like to be my friend. carol, i hope your going to be okay today and i will be thinking of u both!!!
Permalink Reply by Cindy on November 7, 2010 at 6:41am
I hope you are both doing okay. I understand what you mean Renee. It does suck. Sometimes I actaully feel okay, but I spend a lot of time alone, and then I get thinking about things, and I feel sucked right back into depression. I just wish it wasn't true. It's two months today since Les died, and I never thought I'd make it through two months. I guess we just have to keep going. I love you guys for helping me through this.

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