Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on August 17, 2014 at 2:32pm

I noticed this thread and even though it hasn't been used for awhile it fit my mood today. My son Jesse has been gone for about 22 months. There are times like I feel like I am going "mad", I can't imagine years and  years of my life without him. I absolutely do not want a long life, not that I would do anything, but am praying that God would honor my request.

We still live in the same community we did when my son was alive. I find myself just climbing the walls. I cannot go down the street without some kind of reminder of what my life was like then, versus now. People we hung out with have pretty much settled back to their own routine, and myself going home to a house without my son, without my future.

I am not the type to just start trying to find something frivilous to do just for the sake of doing. I personally also had many premonitions and precognizance of his passing. Perhaps it makes me definetly know that something else is going on here...that consciousness goes on...but it also is a double edged sword...like, could this "knowing" have made a difference. My son stated to me directly on two occasions that year that he felt "he was not going to live long". Three days before he died he called me on my cell, and I knew something wasn't right. When I arrived at his home (as fast as I could go legally) he informed me point blank, "His life was going to be short". Just like that. Three days later some idiot girl with many legal violations ran him over in his own lane while he was going to a simple doctor's appointment. In the morning. 10 am. No other factors other than the girl's incredible stupidity for not figuring out that one should check an oncoming lane before crossing it. I guess that is beyond her mental capacity to figure out and now my son is dead.

 

What really pisses me off, is that I had just started a new job about 8 weeks prior to this. I just was so unsettled, it was a very odd period of time, full of sychronicities, now I know that point to death. If I had not taken this job, most likely I would have been driving him to the doctor's appointment, mind you, that I encouraged him to make. So I feel like I put him in the place to die. However, had I been driving, it would have been me. AND IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. I am so incrediblt mad at how my life is and my son's suffering at the side of that road. This is my second child loss. My son was an extremely ethical and kind person. Not just saying that because I am his mom either. He helped so many persons from his heart, and even though he did not make much money, he helped those in greater need than himself. Yes, I believe there is an all-in-charge God out there, but my views on everything, faith, afterlife, and the nature of God has dramatically changed. I am no longer naive. I can only pray that I am taken to be with both my sons as I do not want my final days to be sitting in some nursing home calling out my son's names clutching on some lap throw.. I will never have peace on this earthly planet.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on September 17, 2015 at 8:09am

Greetings Laurie-Jesse's Mom; I am so very sorry for your tremendous loss! I suffered the loss of my 21yr old son from Oct. 2009 and after all these years, I'm only "LIVING" with it better than "DYING" with it slowly but I will NEVER accept his physical absence .  Embrace the moments of peace when they come.

Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on September 21, 2015 at 6:47pm

Thank you Karen for your response...I think the only thing I am getting better at is hiding the pain from people...there will be no acceptance for me...just pushing through my remaining days here on this plane of existence until my time comes...I only remain here quietly because of my daughter and grandson...

...I see others carry on with their lives and no that I am no longer in that "group" there will never be that true level of innocent happiness again...I do not want to bring anyone else down so I just stick to myself...

...I have read that the "address book" changes once one becomes bereaved...I  have found that to be very true in my case...I guess I just don't care either anymore...

Permalink Reply by Sharon Robertson on June 23, 2015 at 6:39pm

I agree.... as time moves on I have flashes of the truth, it's like I suddenly realise this did happen, and yes I actually did go to her funeral. It has been 7 years since she was killed in a car accident (my ex was driving) for just a split second I'm in reality ..... then it's back to walking numb

Permalink Reply by debbie larson on June 23, 2015 at 7:32pm

I lost my daughter 7 years ago, it never gets easier just different, some days are better than others and then different times of the year or day creep back and it hits you  again. I feel your pain and know what you are going through.. I guess it helps to talk about it with someone who has gone through it or is going through it..  prayers are with you.. 

Permalink Reply by Rj on October 18, 2015 at 9:22pm

My pain and suffering has def gotten worse as time goes by. Almost 9 months and i feel worse than ever. Nothing helps, nothing.

Permalink Reply by Kathryn Epperson on November 4, 2015 at 6:51pm

Yes, it just gets worse every day.

Permalink Reply by Connie K on November 4, 2015 at 9:39pm

I lost 2 children at 3 months pregnancy, 1 at 5 Months pregnant and my only child at 17 years old. I don't  know what I'm supposed to learn except that there is death of this body. Got it. Check.

Permalink Reply by Eudora Ford on February 10, 2022 at 11:26pm

I get you. My son has been gone 15 months. Because he was over 40 and it has been that long it seems he becomes less and less significant to the world. I feel I don't want time to go on is because I don't want him to fade away. The further away that day gets the less people want to talk about him. My son was murdered and the trial has not begun. That will bring him back to light but not in a way I want.

Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Miller-Gartner on March 17, 2022 at 7:33pm

 Dear Eudora,

I am so very sorry for your loss and this horrible ordeal that took your son.  I lost my 22 year old son six long months ago.  He was fine, got sick one week and was gone the next... the doctors are not sure why.   I am so broken and the world just keeps turning and people keep talking about everything that doesn't matter and if I mention Garrett, they change the subject.  I want my precious son to come home.  Everyone acts like they have forgotten...

Thinking of you,

Jackie

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