Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sharon Reynolds on October 26, 2010 at 11:59am

Hi Cindy-I am so sorry for your loss. And I am doubly sorry that you don't seem to have a strong support system. Look around at who was there during those initial days of shock and horror. Maybe a neighbor, a co worker, someone from church-they may be waiting in the wings for a sign from you that you would welcome their support-please reach outside yourself and let them help you. Understand too that it has only been two weeks for you-the wound is still so fresh that it hasn't even had a chance to begin to heal. Don't set your expectations so high as to how fast you should feel better. You will get there when you get there-your grief is your own to navigate as you can, when you can. No one else has ever had the grief you have because he was your son, your loss and no one can tell you how fast to get through this-do it as you can.

I lost my son two months ago and I can relate to the things you have described. I still get those knots and feel like i need to throw up. I cry when it wells up-I don't even try to hold it in-tears are cleansing. Sometimes I forget that my son is gone and I will see or hear something that would have made him laugh and when I think "I need to call Gary" the memory comes back and I feel like I am being sucked into a vortex.

Having said that, there are also times where I think of something silly he said or did and I will bust out laughing at the oddest times. People at the grocery store sometimes "siddle" around me because I appear to be a delusional crazy lady laughing at nothing. It doesn't matter. I can only speak for myself and how I am moving through the process (and bear in mind it has only been two months for me-my wound is fresh too) I do as I need to do in the moment. I don't spend too much time dwelling on how other people perceive me-I do what I need to do to put one foot in front of the other-sometimes it is almost impossible and sometimes it is easier.

I believe, with time, your grief will ease, I don't think it ever goes away. I believe it just changes as we move through the process, that eventually we learn to live with our "new normal". You will always love and miss your child but someday you will be able to celebrate that child and the life he had. As hard as it is to belive this, I believe also that joy will come back to you-that is how we honor our child's memory. Just give yourself time-time is not the enemy-in this case, it will become a treasured friend.

I will pray for you to find peace.

Permalink Reply by coachlouise on October 26, 2010 at 6:28pm

Thank you for reaching out, and expressing your feelings, as they are the first step in healing. Your words are taking me back in time to my first weeks of my son passing on.

Yes, what is important in life becomes very clear. Every day I face a choice to feel this pain again and see him as gone forever or to trust the process and carry him in my heart. When I make the choice that makes me feel better, I suddenly discover a new invisible relationship with my son. It has helped me move forward, and not slide backwards, and given me gifts I never dreamed of.
But for today, let your tears pour as every tear is just a reflection of your love, let your feelings out , as there is no right or wrong, and please feel my love embrace you, and my heart support you. It is also very helpful to have a notebook to write your feelings in if there is no one to talk to. It is hard for others who have not had this experience to talk to you as they are scared of it ever happening to them.

There is light at the end of the dark night of the soul. However mourning time has to be honored to really see the light. Yes you can have joy again, Coach Louise Rouse www.americasgriefcoach.com

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