Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Pam Brooks on May 8, 2010 at 7:23pm

I just want to vent if I may....and would like to hear what you think. I lost my 24-year-old daughter to an overdose on Friday, March 26, 2010. She left behind two children and a husband. I'm still very angry because I know who introduced her to this drug. I know my daughter didn't know her limits and this an assumption, but I am pretty sure that is what happened. Anyway, I have had at least three people tell me that I need to get over my anger and to focus on my grandchildren. Is there some sort of expiration date here that I don't know about? I mean, do I have a certain amount of days to be angry and then get over it??? I'm more than just angry though. I'm feeling so many things right now. I still sob like a baby at times. I'm sorry but I cannot help it. I lost my only child and I am doing the best I can. I scream, my heart aches so bad that I can barely stand it. There is a huge hole in me that was never there before. I know it is going to take time or maybe I will never be the same. The last thing I want to hear from friends is that I need to be an adult, are you kidding me?? Thanks for a having a place like this where you can vent and others will empathize. God bless you all.

Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on May 8, 2010 at 7:53pm

Pam, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost my daughter, who was my only child, on May 25, 2009. We all grieve in our own way and own time. Shortly after my daughter's death I isolated myself from certain people, including my parents. My mother felt I was overreacting and that "she will live forever in our hearts"! My father was so needy and weepy and "wanted to hold me" so that he could feel better...
You will go through so many emotions each day...anger, sadness, confusion, hate, uncontrollable crying...the list is endless. A seemingly endless roller coaster ride but one day (I don't know when) the highs and lows won't be so painful. I believe we learn to integrate our pain and agony into our daily lives. It never goes away but becomes a part of us. It has only been in the past 2 months that my days don't seem so hopeless. While I have no grandchildren I do have a husband who loves and needs me...he has been my rock since that horrible day. I have seen a behavioral therapist and a psychiatrist. I chose not to use medication but to work through the grief in my own way. This website has been a Godsend; I don't know where I would be without it!
Take care and come back anytime. We are here for you.
Laura

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 11:38am

Greetings Pam, I am so sorry for your loss, for all of our losses. This just goes against the natural order of things. Unless someone else has walked in our shoes, they will NEVER understand.

Permalink Reply by Pastor Jenine Marie Mason on May 17, 2010 at 8:42pm

OH!! Yes, there is the "traditional" , "he is in a better place", or "he feels no more sadness or pain", God wanted an angel??? GEEEEEZE!! Then there was the lady at the funeral who whispered in my ear, "you better watch the rest of the kids very well or you might lose them too"! OMG!! It was NOT my fault he was murdered!!!
Or.."at least you have four more children left"! sheesh! Bless their hearts, I know they mean well, but NO ONE knows how this really feels. I love this one, "is there anything I can do, please let me know" , and then when I call, they are all busy and dont really want to hear it! sigh..
I have heard them all. I had a group at one time and all we did was to comfort one another concerning the loss we feel. Seemed like crying with them helped more than anything else.

Permalink Reply by Pastor Jenine Marie Mason on May 25, 2010 at 10:53pm

Pam, A minister mentor of mine once told me that when a mother loses her child it is the closest thing to being insane that we ever will be. Not to say that the others are not hurting. We know they do. This mentor and I have both been ministers a long time and we both lost our sons. It is OK to be angry, be whatever you have to be. Just dont let it get out of control. I remember one night after moving to a new house, I went out to the garage where there were tons of empty boxes I had unpacked. We just could not stay in the house we were in so a year later we had moved. I took a knife that I used to cut the boxes open to unpack them and started crying and stabbing the boxes. By the time I was done they were shredded, I was exausted, and I went to bed. The next morning I still felt just as horrible but some of the anger had left me. I knew I could not lash out at others and that was what I was doing. I just hated this world for a period of time. I dont think it was wrong. I know it is just grief and that is just the way it is. It is plain hard as heck and there seems like there is no where to hide. I know that God cares about our anger and our grief process. We all go through it different. I send you comfort thoughts and although I know this is little to ease your pain, I do hope you will feel a bit of relief soon.

love and hugs

Permalink Reply by Kar on June 1, 2010 at 9:04am

over the weekend- we were at the lake with some family, my sister in law --- see's me struggling comes over & starts to try & be kind - then just starts saying this is real Karen, he is gone - this is real - this happened --- she kept saying it over and over- like I don't know it... I wanted to scream at her .... but- she is just to damn stupid & insensitive to talk to. (same sister in law that thought I could have another baby to replace Brad)

Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on June 1, 2010 at 12:36pm

Karen...I am so sorry you have to hear such stupid and insensitive comments. If anyone knows the reality of losing a child it is the parent. I have had friends of my daughter tell me they understand my pain as they lost someone special too! These are the same friends who by choice have no children and do not ever want children! Talk about wanting to scream...I actually feel like beating the crap out of them! Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!!! Well, I feel a bit better...
Take care. (((((HUGS))))) Laura

Permalink Reply by Lisa Westgate on June 3, 2010 at 2:36am

"You just lost your baby, oh no, sorry about that...can you get pregnant again?"

Permalink Reply by Ken Ciolek on June 24, 2010 at 11:18am

How are you guys now? Doing better? It should be getting easier.

I mean really, it's been 6 months and each day gets worse then before. How can you tell me it will get easier, have you ever lost a child. It amazes me what people could say - they are such idiots.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Westgate on June 24, 2010 at 9:43pm

It really doesn't get easier but with time hopefully we can release the sting of the pain, hurt and anger. I hope you are doing ok today Ken.

Permalink Reply by Jodi Denton on July 25, 2010 at 5:42am

"When you get feeling better we will go to lunch"...Am I sick?..if there is a pill that will cure this tell me and I will take it.Please dont wait for me to "get feeling better" to go to lunch lady or you might starve to death waiting.

I am unemployed and I am shocked at the amount of people who keep saying "You just need to get a job and to get back to work as soon as possible." ..."Hi, I just found my last remaining child dead in bed, tried to do CPR on him and failed and had to make my mother pay for the funeral because I am a broke a$$ loser and she cant wait for me to pay her back like she loaned me money for a car or something so I really need a job asap..will you hire me because I am going to need another valium perscription soon????".. I am sure that will go over well in the interview and they will hire me right away, thanks.

"You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have" ... F you!.. I lost my job and my dad a year ago too..how much stronger do I need to be before I can get a break?????

When I lost a baby who was still born some jacka$$ actually said to me "You can have another one"...Like babies are disposable ...WTF?.. I wanted THAT one.

"He's in a better place now." ...And I am in hell without him now.. thank you.

Permalink Reply by Jodi Denton on July 29, 2010 at 1:23am

My Mom actually said to me " Why are you so down today?"...um, maybe because my son died 16 days ago?
Do people even think before they speak any more?

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