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Too many lost, too much grief, too alone.
And yet, somewhere out there I may have surviving birth family members. Basically shut-in, chronic pain and major depression for many years. And now, again? I don't have survivors guilt - I have angel envy. I had an out of body experience at 23 after loosing the love of my life. I know the peace they feel. I am a nice person. I try not to hurt others - ever. So why am I made to suffer so? Is it because I haven't learned to let go? Of people and things? Is it my selfishness? Why am I still here, surviving so many of my loved ones? Why have I survived Michael - the one who should have survived me? Am I meant to find my birth family? Is that why I'm still here? Right now, the only thing making me cling to this existence is my cats. They need me. And I thank my lucky stars for them. But humans need humans too. Being born Christmas eve used to feel awesome. This year, no birthday, no Christmas, no tree, only my "kids" and the lights outside that Michael put up before he had a brain bleed the day after Thanksgiving that led to his death in early Dec., his 44th birthday in ICU. I thought my worst holidays were behind me, after my mom died, being the last in my family to go. And here I go again. I'm screaming inside. I need my birth family. I need someone. I need help. Michael took care of me.He was my gift for taking care of my terminally ill husband of 14 yrs. How do I take care of myself now? I'm hoping that reaching out here is a start. I've got to start somewhere. Thank you for the lights, Michael. Thank you for your love. Thank you for taking care of me. Love, Courtney
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lou LaGrand, Ph.D. on
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Courtney:
I am a counselor. If you want to see a counselor in your area call your local hospice, hospital or church and ask for a recommendation. You can also go to www.adec.org and look for grief counselors in your area. Find someone you feel comfortable with and can talk to. Important to talk about what is happening inside, not resist, and allow the grief to work through you. Lou LaGrand, Ph.D.
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Permalink Reply by Courtney Rice on
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Thank you, Dr. I will try www.adec.org right away. As I rarely can leave the house, perhaps they can hook me up with someone by phone too.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Sincerely, Courtney
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Thank you Kelly-
I was going to write you when I saw "How do I go on alone", but I didn't know what to say, even though I was widowed at 39. I guess I'm in too much pain to be giving advice at the moment. However, I can't begin to thank you for your response. I am searching out a counselor, which I should have done so many times before.
I lost my only (adoptive) sibling, a sister, to cancer in '96. She struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction for many years, so we weren't very close, but she was still my only sibling.
I understand the possibility of rejection of a birth mother, but I'm so alone I'm willing to take the chance, because any birth family member would be a blessing. I watched "The Locator" a lot and tried to get their help-but they wanted $700.00 I couldn't really afford. I even spoke with an adoptee years ago after her story was in the paper.Her mother had died a couple years earlier, but her sister and many others reached out. She even had my birth mother's name-Deanna. That's one of the reasons I was pulled to her article.
Anyway, thank you again...I feel a little less alone now because you reached out.
Sincerely, Courtney
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Thank you for telling me about free family tree template. I have bookmarked it and will give it a try. I need my birth family more than ever now; my birthday and Christmas were miserable as I was alone. I do not want that to happen this year. Hopefully, I will have a family again soon. I've always wondered if I have siblings, as my only adopted sister was a very sad soul. (She died in 1996). Losing Michael has been like the "last straw". He was not supposed to go before me!
Thanks again...sincerely, Courtney
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