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Permalink Reply by Debra Wick on May 23, 2012 at 3:07pm

Hi, boy do I know how you feel! I picked up my husband's ashes back in January, seems like eons ago now, and I just stared at the box. We were perfect together, too. There was no one for me but him, and no one for him but me. Everybody told me it was him in the box, but I don't feel like it is him. There is none of his energy coming from that box at all. Here it is May, and I stuck around for the same reason -- I knew he would want me to. I'm finally starting to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I can't believe I've survived an additional five months in this world without him. But I did. And I'm glad now. It is in his honor that I did. Someday it will be my own desire but for now I use him as the reason, and I'm sure he's proud of me. xox

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Permalink Reply by Joanne Welch on May 23, 2012 at 6:06pm

Thanks.  At least that gives me a little hope that I won't always feel so devastated and lost as I do now.  

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Permalink Reply by vince s on May 23, 2012 at 6:29pm

Thanks Debra,

I've been without my wife for 3 weeks,and its seems like everything is a blur.Not only do you offer light at the end of the tunnel,but comfort and encouragement,something I can use today.

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Permalink Reply by Debra Wick on May 25, 2012 at 9:16am

Hi Vince, yes it does get better. When I meet someone who has only spent a few weeks or a month without their loved one I think "boy was I a mess back then!" Say what? Back then... It's been five months, how can time move so quickly and so slowly at the same time! It did get better, without me noticing. Much love and hugs and I promise it will happen to you too. P.s. It amazes me how much love we all have to give even while we are going through this terrible pain. :-)

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Permalink Reply by Lynne M. on May 23, 2012 at 10:45pm

Oh Joanne, I'm so sorry for your bad day and for all the sad thoughts that you're having.  The day I picked up my husband's ashes was an especially bad day for me, too, so I well understand how you're feeling.  Just try to hang on to the thought that it does get better with time and that we can never know what the future will bring.  It's hard to imagine being happy again but it does happen.  It won't always feel as bad as it does right now and we just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving into this new phase of our lives.  It won't be the same, of course, but there are many kinds of happiness and I think that we can find some again.  Again, so sorry for how you're feeling but those are the thoughts that I try to hang onto and that have been helpful to me as I move through this difficult time.  Wishing you all the best, some peace and better days to come.  Lynne

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Permalink Reply by Joanne Welch on May 24, 2012 at 6:57pm

Thanks Lynne.  Right now I'm just hanging on because I know he would want me to.  I hope that eventually gets better.  I just keep thinking of the things we had planned that we'll never get to do now.  We had a vacation planned for June, and some weekend trips, possibly looking to buy a house - all things we can't do now.  We did everything together and even just going to the store alone is hard.  

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Permalink Reply by vince s on May 24, 2012 at 7:19pm

Thanks Lynne,

I have so far to go and it seems bleak and gloomy most of the time I am just taking it sad and slow,and reading many of your comments gives me courage to stay strong because I won't always feel this bad Thanks again 

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Permalink Reply by Lynne M. on May 24, 2012 at 11:15pm

Vince, so sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now but I certainly do understand it, of course.  It's been almost two months now since I lost my husband and I still have some really sad and anxious days - but the truth is that they are getting fewer and farther apart and that is a trend that I am so very grateful for.  Please do hold on to the fact that, as you said, you won't always feel this bad.  Grief is something that we move through but we each have to do it at our own pace and in our own way.  I've lost a child and both of my parents and I well remember how horrible I felt at first, with each loss, but that, eventually, I got back to feeling like myself again.  This is why I know that I will do it again and that thought sustains me, especially during my darkest hours.  You will heal and the pain will lessen in time so try to be gentle with yourself and know that better days are to come.  Wishing you all the best. Lynne

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Permalink Reply by Debra Wick on May 24, 2012 at 7:59pm

Same here Joanne! We did everything together! We had several trips planned and I recently ran across all these cancellation confirmations from motels and rv parks in my emails and I had to relive the horror again. There was also an email to a friend from last October saying that we might be in their area at Thanksgiving. It made me sick to see that. It's been five months and just recently going to the store alone has become okay- not good, but okay. Hang in there. We need one another.

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Permalink Reply by Davita Coley on May 25, 2012 at 1:16am

Joanne, God bles you honey. I recently lost my 13 yr old daughter to a fire staying the night at her friends house. It shooked the whole city and other areas as well as family and friends.  She died of smoke inhalation. I wrestled with the decision to cremate her because i didn't wanted to put her through that twice. But when I found out that we still had enough of Destiny to bring home, we went with that decision.  I was lost not having her remains with me. I couldn't eevn see her to say goodbye;-(  But I'm so glad that I wa able to have her here on my dresser bureau right next to me. My son has a mini urn, but is not ready to put it in his room yet. My husband and I have the main urn.  I don't know how I'm gonna go on with out her too, I feel u on that. I'm a christian that loves God and I can honestly say that he has been bringing us through up to this hour that I'm writing you. Sure, I hurt and will forever. I don't understand it at all. But we will make it some how Joanne. We ahve to keep our loved ones memory alive just the way they were. We ahve to live out thir dreams in our own lives. I'm gonna keep u in prayer honey.  (((((((((((((I FEEL YOUR PAIN)))))))))))))))....A HUG FROM ME TO YOU:-)

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Permalink Reply by vince s on May 25, 2012 at 7:11pm

Lynne,I'm looking to  build on some positive reinforsement .I get that from your writings.As I get ready for the dreaded weekend,maybe I can find some guidence in what you say.Have been working thru the lonelyness and sadness better this week than last,but right now I'm no match for the saddness,than comes with the weekend.I tried not to think about it until it got here and here I am preparing and worrying about a weekend.how crazy is that.We'll see what happens,and hope next week is a little better.It takes time I got nothing left but time.Thanks Lynne for taking the time to answer me.   

 

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Permalink Reply by Debra Wick on May 25, 2012 at 9:56pm

Hi justkate, yeh people tell me "well you have your memories" but those memories make my heart ache and I cry. I can't imagine intimacy with anyone either. I have two dogs, they are lifesavers! I have friends, who say "you're not alone" I know they mean well but by gawd I AM alone! :-O

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