To introduce myself, I'm 48, I have a 16 year old son who is autistic and a 14 year old daughter from a previous marriage.  My ex-wife decided she didn't want to be in a marriage any longer, so we divorced in 2005.  She passed away from complications from the Swine Flu in 2010.  Sue welcomed my kids in our home and treated them like they were her own from the start.  Sue's story is what one would call "complicated".  She was divorced and came from a big family.  The years before we met were not kind to her, due to issues with her family.  I've been told a lot that she was at her happiest during the time we were married.  I knew that we loved each other, and didn't let a day go by without telling each other that.  Her family said it made them feel better that she had finally found happiness before she passed.  In 2011, my little dog Barkley passed away from liver cancer.  He was 12, and was a very loyal dog.  He helped me get through some dark times in my life, and it was painful to lose him.  My dad is in pretty bad shape.  Years of smoking finally caught up with him and he had a major heart attack in late 2010.  The doctors have told him he should be dead right now, so any time he has left should be considered a bonus.  Knowing he could go at any time weighs heavy on me, especially since Sue has passed.  Right before Sue left, My mom was getting progressively weaker.  Sue and I badgered her to go see a doctor, but she thought she'd be ok.  She finally went, and found out her kidneys had almost shut down and she almost died.  Turns out she has two kidney stones as big as a small cell phone.  She was still in the hospital when Sue died.  It seems I'm surrounded by death, but as for me, I've never been sick in any major way, never spent one day in a hospital. 

I've got these two kids now that I have to be there for.  I'm constantly second guessing myself because I no longer have Sue here to help me.  There are days I'd rather not get out of bed, but I push myself.  I'm still struggling though.  I feel like life is just a series of random events, one either does the best one can, or just gives up.  I've never been the type of person to just give up, but I can't say that option doesn't look so bad at this point.  For the kids sake, I will continue on, but as for me, no one can do anything for me because the love of my life has gone.