I've read that writing can help, so......

It will be 3 months on Saturday, although I guess She really left us 2 days earlier.  I don't really think she was here for those 2 days she was kept breathing on the ventilator.  We had just bought our first house, and we were in the middle of moving in.  She got to spend exactly one night here.  It was Halloween, and I was handing out candy to the neighborhood kids.  Sue was a service provider for the County mental health service.  If you or a loved one is mentally challenged, Sue was there if you needed any help getting the resources you are entitled to.  She had seen some clients that day, and came home as usual.  Nothing too much out of the ordinary, except that she wanted to take a nap.  After a couple of hours she woke up and we talked for a while.  All of the sudden, she was having trouble breathing... the inhaler wasn't working... calling for an ambulance while kids kept ringing the doorbell....it seemed like it took forever for them to get here.  She was sweating bad, and getting worse by the time they did arrive.  While the crew started to put the mask on her, she kept yelling Help me!... Help me!  One of the crew made me go into the bathroom to gather up all her meds... when I came back, she was getting on the stretcher as her breathing started to improve a bit.  She was unsteady and panicked a bit, so I went over to her side and gave her a quick squeeze of her hand and told her everything would be alright...that the EMT's were getting her stabilized.... They loaded her into the ambulance....I got instructions not to follow if they had to go to lights and sirens.  I left for the hospital, but the ambulance was nowhere to be seen.  I still thought she'd be at the hospital, as cantankerous with the staff as ever, but I got a weird feeling about not seeing the ambulance.  Walked into the emergency room...staff dressed for Halloween... they ushered me back and that's when I saw her.... she didn't look right....I was kept at a distance but the doctors were all over her... her clothes were cut open and her color was all wrong.  A staff guy told me that on the way to the hospital her heart stopped, and her brain was without oxygen for 10 minutes.  They got her heart back, but then it stopped again.  They got it back again and put her on a ventilator.  They kept telling me it didn't look good, but I didn't listen to what they were really saying.  Kept looking for the good....there wasn't any, but they were trying to be gentle I guess. 

Since then, I've been distant.  I've always wanted to be in a relationship, but I have no interest right now.  I'm angry a lot....after all we had so much more to experience together, so much to share together.  We fit together like we were made for each other, but only had 6 years.  Now she's gone and I'm left wondering.    We knew her health wasn't great, but we didn't plan for her to be gone so soon.  I miss her more every day... the holidays were terrible, and now at the end of each month I find myself being pulled back to that night.  I have to push myself along, and keep up the brave front.  When asked how are you doing?  I know better than to tell the truth.  I'm agnostic, so my feelings on an afterlife are that it could be, but probably isn't.  I have no experience with being dead I can't say one way or the other.  Whatever is going on with the universe, it can't be all there just for us insignificant occupants of a small blue green planet in a backwater galaxy.