I'm so tired and confused. 
Before I launch into my sad, I should tell you that for the first time since my father in law passed last month, I felt all the way back to myself normal over the weekend. The cabin (where we went) was a HUGE deal to me, because it is SO MY MOM. I mean, it's HER. It's where she lived, it's where her family is, it's HER cabin.  It is my mom, summed up in one spot. So I had tons of anticipation and missing regarding that, and got there and was FINE! It was the all time best weekend ever.  We had a total blast.  There are things about mom that I recalled, like how particular she was about keeping the door shut between the cabin and addition (we left it open). And I recalled kinda tip toeing around making sure the kids stuff stayed neat at all times and that no one got the floor wet getting a towel after swimming etc...and all that was gone, so it was actual relaxation. I felt NORMAL- and in my NORMAL state, I am probably the most joyful person I know. I mean it. The world is magic, and I see it and I feel it and I'm connected. 

It lasted until last night. 

The crash is devastating. I feel worse than I did before the cabin, and that was pretty rough. I just plain don't want to be here. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm done. This is so confusing to me. I only lost 3 parents in a short time. That is NOTHING compared to what some people are dealing with. I didn't lose a sibling, a child, or a spouse. I lost PARENTS. that's the order it's supposed to happen. What the HELL is my problem? 

I don't want to be here. This should be a big red flag. My children and my husband aren't enough to make me want to stay. I feel a little bad about if I were to stop being here when I think of them, but afterall, Mother's Day just came and went and I wasn't appreciated at all.  It's clear to me that life goes on.  They are kids, they would get over it. They do what I say right now. I know they are bonded to me, but it's not like they are grown up and have had so much time with me. My husband has told me over and over that life goes on (and it does, it does!). He would be fine. It's my dad that keeps me here right now, I really don't want him to be sad about me.  But sadly, that's a thin string I'm holding on to, cause I just don't see how this is ever going to get better. OVER PARENTS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 

So. When is "complicated" grief more than that? When is it time to say DRUG ME, HIT ME HARD, AND FAST. ?  Know that else is just too bad? It's too bad that that feels like too much work too. I have insurance as of June 1st. What's the date? oh, too bad, so sad for me. 

So I just get to keep hanging on and hoping that a good day will show up. And I have to somehow find a way to do all the things that need doing like walking the dog, calling about the kids' insurance (seriously, I never imagined what a pain in the ass insurance would be, I was so spoiled for so long having it through work!) ....printing out permission slips, picking up kids, figuring out dinner, doing baseball, waiting for the husband to come home from work so tired that it's not worth it for me to be tired or need a break. 

I'm done. 

If I just felt good for the first time, and it lasted a solid 5 days, what is this? a "bad" day? Shit. What if I can't survive one of my bad days? What IS THIS? Is this grief? OVER PARENTS? I'm so confused. How come I am connected to the other side, and to God and I'm this bad off? I have anger, but there's no where for it to go. This is bull. This was all too fast. How dare I complain when people have lost children? Or a spouse? Or had a "real" tragedy and not just normal cancer crap? 

Do you know how hard it is to find a grief group? I called the magical hospice grief number, and they had to SEND out information in the mail. Terrific. When I got it it was for mens grief support groups, and one monthly one. What the living hell? Honestly. 

How can I feel so unimportant but yet know the hell it will raise if I dare to say any of this to my sister? I don't WANT their panic, and I don't WANT them to tell me I need medicine. I don't WANT that. What is WRONG WITH ME. 

I hate today.