Okay, I got some good ME work done yesterday but I am scared that I have a lot of work to do. It's the anger! Have you noticed that it's unacceptable to be angry? I'm mad and it's not okay to let it out in PUBLIC so I'm going to practice doing it here and hopefully it will help. 

1. I'm so mad that we had to act like nothing was wrong when mom got her ass kicked by cancer. We had never dealt with an illness in our family before, and both parents were healthy. It was bullshit that it was one life or death (literally...) emergency after another and we couldn't talk about it. She wouldn't talk about it. Not even when she was actively dying, she WOULD NOT TALK ABOUT IT.We had to say goodbye to her not knowing if she was okay with it or not, and never received any comfort from her in regards to our losing her. It WOULD have helped and I KNOW THIS BECAUSE WE LOST TWO OTHER PARENTS WHO DID OFFER US THE COMFORT OF KNOWING THEY WERE OKAY AND READY. It freaking makes a difference. No closure is no f*cking closure. UNHELPFUL. 

2. I'm mad that we were a few months out from losing my mother in law when mom got sick. There was NO TIME to heal from Jane's passing, and the upheaval that caused in that part of my family before the next emergency started. 

3. It was traumatic, my moms. It was just an awful ride. Each instance, each emergency, caused so much stress that never got dealt with before the next one hit, ESPECIALLY because we couldn't talk about it with her. Seeing my dad so stressed out just added to it, had to be strong for him. But guess what? 

4 2 months before she passed, my father in law was terminal, which caused another upheaval on that side of my family. So going through my mom's awful illness and passing and then taking care of my dad and sister, add taking care of my father in law and my sister in law (most openly affected by his diagnosis and we were the closest to him emotionally and physically). WTF!!!! WHERE IS THE EFFING BREATHING ROOM AND TIME TO HEAL?

5. So then he passes, and it's another upheaval because there are NO parents around to take care of cleaning out his house and getting it on the market and selling things and it somehow caused the loss of Jane to feel refreshed again, and it feels like this crap is Never. Going. To. End. 

6. THEN as it turns out *I* am a convenience. That's what I am. My sister in law, I thought, was one of my best friends. And one of our neighbors. Guess what? I am sinking they are not hearing from me, and no one cares. I could drop off the planet and it will take them a long time to figure it out. I'm so sick and tired of being convenient.  I am mad. I hate everyone! What the hell!  How many times did I go running when she was sad? How many times did I cry with her? Where the hell is everyone? Screw everyone. I should have known. Everyone is grieving. I just have to grieve on my own. And hope I make it. 

There. I feel no better. :) But i will keep letting it out and keep trying. It's all I can do.