Comment

Comment by Sean Casey on June 6, 2011 at 10:26pm

Yeah, the thought brings a smile to my face, too.  It also has been something I've found tremendously helpful over the years.  It helps to believe in a truly loving, understanding God who's not going to take offense to a bit of profanity in the conversation.

Comment by Elke on June 3, 2011 at 6:43am

Four letter conversations, huh? That made me laugh out loud... :)

Comment by Sean Casey on June 2, 2011 at 11:41pm

I know what you mean about this life not being what you wanted or expected; I feel the same.  I've had several four-letter conversations with God on that topic.  I'm glad to hear that things are easier for you, regardless of why.  I'm guessing we'll get to find out if it's shock or not down the road.

 

Totally agreed; thank God for friends.  *hugs*

Comment by Elke on June 2, 2011 at 4:15pm

I agree with you on the weekends. All week long I long for it.. can't wait. Finally get there and for about 2/3 hours I'm ok.. any longer and I'm losing it.. can't stand it.. find myself watching anything funny on tv (will & grace a big fav) to make me laugh, even when I don't feel like it, it always does..

 

This new life certainly isn't what I wanted... and also never thought would happen.  things are easier, but then I also wonder if I'm still in shock.. hate not knowing.. thank god for friends...

Comment by Sean Casey on June 1, 2011 at 6:54pm

I'm glad you got at least a few moments of happiness, Elke.  I know for me it's been reassuring when I've had moments like that here and there (none as intense as what you described) that maybe I'll get back to feeling it more often again one of these days.  I also know what you mean about the sadness being there most of the time now.  I'm in the same boat; work is what's keeping me going and in one piece.  At least when I'm there, I don't think about Ariel or her being gone.  Weekends, on the other hand, are a LOT harder to deal with.  sometimes I don't want to do anything.  Sometimes I just want to be....somewhere else, no matter where I am at the time.  Sometimes I just want to keep doing stuff to not think at all, but I know if I wear myself out badly again I'll also end up in the E.R. again.....and once per decade is enough of that for me.

 

And sometimes I just don't know what the Hell I'm feeling.  Those times, it's often a mix of things, but not that I can really tease apart.  It always feels like there's more there than the feelings I can readily identify.  I think those are some of the hardest times.  I'm learning how to be sad, but just that jumbled, uncomfortable restless mess is another matter.  *sigh*

 

I like what your friend said.  I know that fits how it feels for me.  I had one friend tell me that part of what happens in situations like this is that the brain is essentially having to re-wire itself to adjust to the absence of a loved, important, major figure that'd been in our lives for lots of years.  It helps me get through those times when I can't figure out what I'm feeling or when things just feel unreal.  I just also hope that it's a process that is progressing and hopefully will be done with sooner rather than later.  *hugs*