After my father passed, I went home and all my friends were telling me that I might be in shock. It certainly didn't feel like it. Every memory, both good and bad was etched in front of my eyes 24/7.  It seemed like I felt everything, and a lot of it wasn't good. But now time has passed,and I find myself thinking he's still here. That all I have to do is just pick up the phone when I get home from work and call him.  He'll be there. This thought is on my mind all day...until i get home and realize he's not there. He's gone. And then it hits me so hard, and so sharp. 

I don't know if I'm pretending he's still here, and I don't want to believe he's really gone, or I'm pretending just to get through the day. I've gone from crying every morning and night (somehow going to bed and waking up makes things so much worse) to crying over his picture, to crying over a memory, to now; everything seems fine. Until I go to pick up the phone.

Work certainly helps and so does keeping busy and friends. Things to do... keeps my mind off of things.  Until I remember.  It was 24/7 remembering every bad detail.  Now, it seems like nothing.  Am I numb? Is this denial? Am I in denial all day?

I hate this.