Unreal

It's been two and a half months since Ariel killed herself.  Sometimes it still feels very unreal, like it's somehow not what it should be.  It's hard to FEEL like it's real, even though I intellectually know I haven't seen her in that long and that a lot of her stuff is gone and I've got a copy of the M.E.'s report on the examination of her body and her ashes are on a shelf in my office.  It just is hard to consistently get and stay next to.  I don't know how much of that is from how much I've been putting a lot of time and energy into going through and clearing out her stuff.  I know when I'm tired I tend to have a harder time dealing with stuff.  Several people've commented on how much I've gotten done so quickly, even with all the help I've had.

 

It's also kind of strange that I haven't cried about it in awhile.  I'm still hurt and sad, but for some reason the tears just don't come.  I haven't gone looking for movies that'll kick that off, and I've avoided music that reminds me of her.  I still think about her some, though.  I never was one to cry much before.  I'm trying not to get into avoiding thinking about her or dealing with the feelings.  The tears just aren't coming.  I don't know what to make of it.  I guess everyone goes through sadness and grieving in their own way.  Maybe the best I can do is just accept what's happening when the thoughts or memories or feelings come up, whether or not the tears come along with them.

 

I sometimes really wish there was a fast forward button on life and I could just speed ahead a couple years to when all her stuff's disposed of, the house is dealt with, and I'm settled into a new place.  I know I wouldn't get the same depth of learning the lessons from moving through it all, but sometimes it gets so hard to bear that I think I'd rather pass.

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Comment by Sean Casey on June 11, 2011 at 6:32pm

Thanks, David.  I know some of the holidays will be hard here, too.  Ariel never much liked Christmas, but Halloween and New Years were her favorites.  Those will be really strange without her this time, whether it's seeing the kids in costumes and wondering what she might've picked/made this year or getting together with friends and thinking she would've liked it.  I hear it gets easier with time, and I really hope that's true.

 

I know going through and clearing out her stuff has been hard.  At this point, I've got her books to get rid of and then some odds 'n' ends, but that'll be about it.  It's really strange to walk into the rooms that used to be hers and seeing them so empty.  Sometimes I just want the stuff gone so it won't be there to remind me, and other times I want to hold on to all of it as a way to hold on to her.  It's a rollercoaster ride, and there's no two ways about it.

 

I hope things are going well for you today, and in the days to come.

Comment by David A on June 10, 2011 at 3:10pm

Sorry to hear about your loss and you have my deepest condolences. My common law wife killed herself on April 20th and I have cried everyday except yesterday and today.  I know everyone grieves differently and I believe its good to see how other handle it here.  I know if I really wanted too I could let out the tears but for some unexplained reason they are not coming. 

 

I don't look forward to getting rid of all her stuff but as her mom put it, "she won't be needing it anymore". It seemed like such a cold statement but it made sense. I hope someone else can reuse her clothing and I plan on selling most of her crafts that she collected over our 16+ year relationship. 

 

The holidays will be the roughest on me because my Lisa would always decorate the house, inside and out. She especially loved Halloween as she loved to greet all the children of the neighborhood. She once counted over 200 children who came to our door.

I am hope to stay in the house I bought for her but only time will tell.  I hope you feeling better today than yesterday and I wish you the best in the trying times. 

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