Ariel had gotten me an electornic gift card from Amazon for $50 for Christmas, with the request that I use it for something fun. I finally got around to ordering a couple things that'd seemed fitting, a couple of books on Bagua and a plush toy from a movie we'd seen last fall and really liked.  Those came in on Saturday.  The books were good to get, and have been interesting to read through so far.  I think there'll be a lot to digest there, and it'll be good to have them help with my practice.  Opening up the envelope with the plush toy, however, had me in tears.  Using up that gift card and having those things arrive just drove home a little further that she's really gone, that I've gotten all with and from her that I ever will.

I really miss the woman I'd fallen in love with and married.  Even though she'd been fading out further and further for the last four or five years, I still miss her a great deal.  The emptiness in my life and heart where she was weigh on me like a cloak of thick lead, and right now I am so tired.  I hope that sleep will help.  I keep hearing that this will pass, that things will get better.  For right now, I just am trudging along because I won't take her path.  I hope the people who've been saying all that are right.