After the collapse almost a week ago, I'm finding I'm now dealing with a lot of anxiety just about being able to manage the basic details of life.  I'd thought I was doing OK at that before....and look what happened. Now the fear is that I can't even manage my own life, much less finishing the mess that my wife left me by killing herself.  It's not as bad today as it was last night, which was almost crippling.  I meet with my counselor tomorrow and plan to bring it up.  I'm really hoping this is something that passes soon.  I'm really needing to feel some kind of normalcy somewhere, and being afraid of being home or paying bills is NOT helping that.

The one thing that's helped so far is allowing myself to be angry at her for chosing to leave the way she did.  She chose to end her life, and kept it very quiet so no-one saw it coming.  And that left me with this unholy mess to still deal with.  It hit me today that I really don't owe her anything anymore.  If her stuff just gets thrown away, she's got no say in it.  I wore myself into a trip to the ER trying to deal with both getting my life on track and deal with the mes she left.  I can't really afford to do that anymore.  I'm not wanting to just throw everything away, as some of it's stuff I know other people could get use from.  But that sense of HAVING to do it, out of some kind of duty, is something I'm glad to let go of. 

I guess this is some of the anger finally making its way forward, and right now it doesn't seem like a bad thing to be able to have.  It's still a little hard for me to accept, given how long I worked really hard at not getting or acting angry toward her.  There were times when I did get mad about her actions, but few were the times I actually went and raised my voice at her.  And it feels odd now to allow some of that to just be there.  It's hard to know what to make of all this.