Every time a hummingbird came into the backyard, you would always tell us to look. How you loved to feed them, and see them sit on the hummingbird feeder.  The feeder is dry and dusty now. Don't know how long it's been since you've filled it up.  Don't know how long it's been since the last time you saw one.

I have 10 doctors in front of me telling me there's nothing else they can do.  All the fluid is gone from your lungs, but you're still not breathing.  Every day you breath less and less on your own.  From 2 hours, to 20 minutes, to 5 minutes to 2.  I ask them to please give you more time. You are weak. You are tired.  Just a little more time. A few days more.  They are kind and sweet.  They say they will.  Every day I bring mom to see you.  I ask her once if she thinks you will make it.  I asked Mom that years ago when Daddy had his heart attack and you said, "it's not his time".  You weren't even worried or scared. You just knew. This time I ask,and you say you don't know. I get scared, thinking you may know something I don't.  I can't believe this might be the end. 

But a few more days come and go and you're getting worse. The doctors meet with me and tell me that you are not breathing at all on your own. They ask me what do I want to do.  I can't believe I have to make this decision. Just only a week ago you were fine.  Now, I have power of attorney and I can't believe that I, your youngest daughter has to make this decision. You always said you never wanted to be on life support.  I know I have to do this for you Daddy, but I never thought I would be the one to tell them when.  I never thought I would be the one to say when.  Part of me is terrified. Please don't make me do this to you. Another part of me is honored in a way that you trusted me with this. To carry out your wish as your daughter. I would do anything for you Daddy. I never thought that it would be this.  I never thought I would be the one to tell the doctors what day would be your last.  The day I would take you away from the love of your life, your children, me.

The doctors tell me I have time. I can choose to wait for you heart to stop, move you into a hospice place and just wait.  I feel that this would be so cruel to you daddy.  You're not breathing.  Are you already gone?  I know that if I take all your pain away, it will transfer to me. That I will be the one to carry it with me for the rest of my life. If it will bring you peace I will.  I would do anything for you. If it will bring me pain for the rest of mine, I will do it for you Daddy, if only if means that you are safe and ok.  I don't know what to do, but I hear you inside my head.  To let you go.

That day I go in the garden, and talk to you.  I ask you to please tell me if you want to go. Because I can't do this to you Daddy. Please. I just can't. Do you want to go? A hummingbird flies up to me briefly and then flies away.  A sign. I know it's you telling me yes.  I just know.  I have my answer.  I will let you go Daddy.  I will let you go.