I again, have 10 doctors in front of me telling me there is nothing they can do.  I bring your best friend with me because I know that i will not hear everything they say. I know it is time. Your friend tells me that when you go I do not have to be there. I do not have to be there when you die.  I'm furious that you would even think that. That I would let my father die alone, with no one there breaks my heart.  I have made sure that his wife sees him everyday, that he has his wedding ring on him, every day.  The ring that has never left his hand for 60 years.  I will not let you die alone Daddy.  I promise you that. 

The next day, I bring in mommy, sister and I tell your best friend I am letting you go. You say you can't do it. Won't. It's ok. I understand.  We come in and Mommy refuses to talk to you.  I don't understand why. She's talked to you every single day.  I tell her that you can hear us. That you can hear Mommy. She refuses.  It's breaking my heart. I tell her, 'this is daddy...' You say no it's not. What? I realize that she doesn't recognize you because by now you have a beard. I tell her yes, it is. it's Daddy. "Really?" She asks.  She stands up and goes to you. Strokes your face and starts talking to you. Your eyes open.  Only for you Mommy. Only for you does he open his eyes.  My heart breaks.  Your best friend comes in, loud and booming as always. He tries to makes jokes, cheer you up. Maybe cheer us up.  The doctors come and take me away and ask me when do I want to do this. Tomorrow I say. Tomorrow.

Finally, hours later, I take mommy and karin home.  I don't tell them what you wanted, what I need to do. I can't bear it.  I don't want to break their hearts. My sister with cerebral palsy may not understand that this was your wish.  I don't want to frighten her.  The next morning, I come back. Today is the day. I'm surprisingly calm.  A dear friend drives 3 hours to be there with me so I'm not alone.  She tells me what to expect. A part of me wishes that this is all just a bad dream, and that you will breathe on your own and wake up. That this was just a nightmare.  They take you off the respirator and for hours you breathe on your own.  I hold your hand and tell you you can go.  That we'll be ok. But I'm lying. I'm just saying it because I hope that it will be easier for you and bring you some peace.  Don't go Daddy. Please, don't go.  As I hold your hand, I tell you a million times that I love you. I hope you can hear me. I don't know.  A few times it looks like you stop breathing, but then you start again. I go to the door to say goodbye to my friend. I come back and sit down and it looks like you stopped breathing. You don't.  The social services girl comes in to see if I'm ok.  All of a sudden, something flies down my throat. A strong blast of air it feels like.  I start coughing, choking.  I get up to get water... minutes go by and I can finally breathe, eyes watering. I sit back down and again, it looks like you stopped breathing. A nurse comes in.  I tell her.... i think you stopped breathing. She tells me your heart stopped.  i asked her what time. "2:25." she says... i look at the wall. It's 2/25/11 at 2:25. Weird I think.  I wonder why? Why this time on this date?

I sit with you and watch you die. For some reason, I wanted to be there for this.  I don't know why. I look out the window and it's a dark, cloudy, majestic sky. Fitting I think.  I hold your hand and tell you over and over that I love you. That I love you and that I'll be ok. But I'm lying.  My heart is breaking.  I feel your hand go cold.  I look at your face and slowly see your face go gray.  I go to give you a hug and you feel hard.  Your face is not soft anymore.  I know that you are truly gone.  I can see it.  Your kindness, your strength, your caring.. it's gone. Everything is hard and cold. This is not my daddy. I pray that you are in the room somehow. Can you see me? Are you there?  I want to ask you; what was it like to die?  What did it feel like? Where you scared?  Are you ok?  I don't know. I look out into the sky and picture you out there in the clouds, watching us.  will you always be there? Or you will you leave us?  i wish I knew.  Hours later, I know you are no longer in the room. I don't feel you anymore. I must leave and tell mommy and karin that you are gone.  I pray I can get through it.  The stress I felt every day as i came to the hospital praying that you will be ok, is nothing compared to leaving that room that day. The pain is so intense i can almost not make it. I wonder why. Why is this so hard? You are at peace Daddy, finally.  I stand outside the hospital building and I've never felt so much pain, so much so that i feel like I can't breathe. Then I realize. Today will be the last time I will ever see you, ever.  it's unbearable and I can't leave.  I can't leave you.  I literally force myself to go to the car.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, to leave you that day.

I tell mommy and karin that you passed in your sleep.  Mommy touches my cheeks and says; "it was his time"... karin asks if this means that you are in heaven. I say yes.She asks am I sure. I look at her, do you think daddy's in hell? "No." She says, "I just want to make sure he's with the angels." "Yes, he is." I tell her, for this I know without a doubt; you are. I don't even see Mommy cry. She doesn't seem sad.  Karin, with her answer seems fine. I go to the bathroom and just loose it for an hour and cry my eyes out.  I pray that you come to Mommy in her dreams and show her that you are ok. Or maybe you already have.

Hours later, I'm back in the backyard again.  I'm so scared for you daddy.  I ask you to please let me know that you care ok, that you are not scared, or hurt, or worried about us. Please let me know that you are ok.  A hummingbird flies up to me.. hovers and then flies away.  I know it's you.  Telling me goodbye.