On February 25th, at 2:25 I lost my father.  And in the same week, I realized that I also lost my mother.  I realized through disbelief, that she no longer knows who I am.  I am no longer her little girl, her daughter, her Pumpkin.  In shock, I asked her if she thought I was related to her. She said no.  Her Alzsheimers has finally taken her away from me. I never thought this day would come.  She looks at me and smiles like she always does.  But then I realize, she looks that way at everyone.  In one week, I not only lost my father, but my mother as well.  This is too much too bear, so I won't. As far as I'm concerned, she is always my mommy.  On the day I told you that your beloved husband of 57 years has died, you touch my cheek and say 'oh baby. it was his time.......'  Your touch on my cheek lets me know my mommy was there.  But it's gone in a second. You don't even cry.  It takes everything I have not to cry in front of you.  I can't. I go to the bathroom and sob for an hour.  I feel more alone than ever. I no longer have my mommy to share my dreams and fears with.  She is gone.  I can only hope for brief moments when I know she looks at me and sees me. 

Most of the time I am glad she doesn't remember your death Daddy.  It breaks my heart to have to tell her over and over.  But she never seems in pain, sad or in mourning.  She is her.  If this spares her I'm am glad. And a part of me is glad that you went first Daddy, because I don't know how you would have lived with the pain of your beloved wife gone.  And I would have died watching it.  Daddy, she is in no pain. But I am. And I don't care. I will take that pain everyday to help her.  To make sure she is safe, and happy and at peace.  I will take that pain for you Daddy.

A week before you passed, my sister told me that Mommy came to her and said that "Daddy has died. I need to get ready." I pray that you came to her in a dream and let her know you would be safe.  She wasn't upset, she didn't cry. She just needed to get ready.  For what I don't know.

I will always love you Mommy, no matter what. You will always be my Mommy, whether you know me or not.  And I will wait for those little moments when I know that you know... that it is I standing here in front of you, your little one.  I will wait for that smile, that touch on my forehead or cheek that you do.  When you call me Pumpkin.  When I know that my Mommy is here. I will wait forever.  I love you forever. And I know when you are gone, you will be with Daddy and happier than you've ever been.  Because you will be together again. 

I love you Mommy. Happy Mother's day........

Pumpkin