Veronica was the love of my life and we had been together almost 13 years.  Then Saturday morning Jan 7, 2012... I went into my living room and found her dead on the floor.  I called her name, of course there was no answer.  I looked for signs of her breathing, of course there was no movement.  I reached down to shake her, and she was already cold and stiff.

She had experienced some health issues, and for the last year she had difficulty breathing.  While the final toxicology results have not come in, it appeared that she had taken another prescription pain pill which depressed her breathing even further, so she fell asleep and never woke up.  I am firmly convinced it was not intentional; she loved life, she was looking forward to seing her grandkid again soon, and she had strong religious beliefs against suicide.

The days up through Valentines Day were brutal.  The slightest memory of her would send me into deep gut-wrenching sobs.  After V-Day, I had to stop visting her grave every day because I began to realize that I was getting too "stuck" in that familiar routine of painful sobbing, if that makes sense.  Eventually I got around to making an appointment with a grief therapist; I've only had the one session so far but that was very helpful and I have another appointment for next week.

This is far more painful than I could have ever imagined. All my life I've had difficulty finding someone to love who would also love me and now the one person who truly loved me, who I also finally grew to love, was taken from me.  My house is so empty now and I am so alone.  I am trying not to isolate. And to make matters worse, I lost my job just before Christmas so now I have the additional burden of finding another job.

At least recently I've managed to go a few days now and then without spontaneously breaking down into the gut-wrenching sobs.  I've still teared up and cried a little every day though so I'm not trying to bottle up my grief.  Still though her stuff is still scattered all around the house and picking up something that brings back memories of her is tough.