One of the things that'd bothered me a fair amount in the last while was hearing people say, "you're so strong!"  They seem surprised that I'm still getting up in the morning, going to work, getting my bills (eventually) paid, and so on.  The initial reaction was always wanting to scream back, 'Are you NUTS???  Do you have any idea what this all FEELS like?  How in the Hell can you think I'm strong when I'm still so hurt and confused and lost so much of the time?!!"  I certainly don't feel strong.  A lot of the time, I still feel at least somewhat broken, if not worse.  I still have a hard time with memory.  I still cry way more easily than I ever did, and sometimes in response to stuff that "should" be making me happy or feel good.  Some mornings I still don't want to get up and go to work or get going on things.  It still sometimes feels totally unreal, like I've wandered into an episode of the Twilight Zone.

The one thing I've come to see that's helped, though, is the difference between FEELING and BEING strong.  A champion weightlifter might be able to lift hundreds of pounds over his head.  I know If I tried that, I'd have bones breaking and muscles tearing and get crushed.  Someone like that makes what's impossible for me look almost kind of easy.  I have to remember that just 'cause he can do that, it doesn't mean that it's easy for him to do.  It's got to be one hellacious strain to do something like that.  I guess that's what other people see when they're looking at me.  They don't know how I keep going in dealing with this.  To be honest, I don't have a good answer for that, either.  But what they're reacting to is what I'm DOING, not how I'm feeling.  I guess that does mean there's some strength there.  That does help me have some hope for getting through this, when I can remember to look at it that way.....which isn't always so easy to do.