I got some good news today at work:  I got a raise.  It's a decent amount more, and will go quite a ways to alleviate some of the stress I've had about money in the last few months since Ariel killed herself.  I still don't know if it's enough to let me hang on to the house, but at least it means I don't have to rush quite so much to get out of here.  That's good news.

What was strange was that when I saw it, there wasn't the upwelling of happiness or joy I'd have expected.  It was more like a trockle.  I had to put some effort into it, to start doing the things I'd do when happy lke clapping or doing a fist pump or yelling "Woo-hoo!!."  It helped bring it up some, but it didn't feel....natural.  That still feels like it's the case.  It didn't feel like it was a reflex, like tying my shoes has become after almost 40 years of doing it for myself.  That's been the case with a lot of things, but it's kind of disturbing to see my capacity for being happy and enjoying good fortune diminished so.

I don't want to make too much of it.  I nkow worrying about it is just likely to make it keep going.  At the same time, I still feel unsettled by it.  I don't know what to think.  I just hope that it's something that won't get worse.  Hopefully, like other things I've heard, it'll get better in time.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life having to try to be happy when good things happen.  I loved Ariel dearly, and I still do, but she wasn't worth wrecking the time I've got left.  Having a life in which happiness has to be forced sounds pretty wrecked to me.