Well today is the firt day of the new year. I'm in a strange place right now. I've gone through so many emotions this past year. I liked the good state of mind. I don't like the sad state of mind. I like feeling ok because I don't know what feeling wonderful is anymore. I've gone through so much that just when I think I've got things atleast somewhat figured out, the old haunts come back to bite me. I've worked so hard to treat my daughters better than ever so they'd know that they are just as important. Now they say that i'm making them live up to their brothers ghosts. I don't get it? What else can I do? How much harder do I have to work at this? It's not the boy's death thats making me crazy it's the living that's making me crazy. I can't take the dirty looks the girls give me when i talk about the boys. They don't want me to talk about them to anyone. What's with all these rules? There's no damn handbook for surviving the death of a child let alone two. I've been positive, uplifting, inspiring, happy, what more do I have to do?

Christmas. I worked so hard to bring joy and laughter to the holidays, and it was nice at first. Then came Christmas day. One daughter asked me for alot of money cause she was in trouble. I gave it to her and sure enough that's when she tells me this crap that i'm trying to make her and her sister compete with a ghost. Merry Christmas Mom!

What does really matter? When your feeling bad all the good stuff goes right out the window. the more you get beat down the longer it takes to get back up. Now I dont mind getting beat down, but when it;s by your own family it's a little hard to take. I feel like i've been doing all the work and everyone else just sits back and make sure I dont do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing or look the wrong way. Angry- I guess I am. Hurt- you bet- confused- for sure. Oh I have friends but they dont want me toaking about the boys either, it makes them sad. So whats left. Cant talk to my kids, friends, or my husband. I'm the only one left so I guess i'd better get use to talking to myself, which wont be to hard since i'm getting good at it. Bring it on New Year I hope your a good one but if not whatever. I feel like everyone just wants to put the boys behind them as if they never existed. I cant do that. I've already been ready to explode because I have to keep so much inside. I hope in the new year I can figure out a way to keep it in without bothering anybody else. Happy New Year